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the healing power of humor

Becoming a spiritual speaker saved my life. I had to experience my own healing journey — gathering tons of tools along the way — before I could begin teaching others how to embark on theirs. 

Similarly, my friend Hannah Berner, a brave and hilarious stand-up comic, has used her career as a vessel for healing her personal wounds. On the latest episode of Dear Gabby, Hannah and I boldly  “go there”, openly discussing sexual confidence and reclaiming your power in ways that I never have before. 

owning your narrative

Taking ownership of your narrative and embracing your sexuality and past is not just about individual healing— it’s a collective rebellion against a history of subjugation and silence. Hannah describes how the microphone became her tool for liberation in the freeing space of stand-up comedy.

setting boundaries as a form of self-care

Setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care is essential to healing and happiness. As I like to say:  Being a “no” for some things today creates more space to be a “yes” for things in the future. 

in this episode you’ll learn:

  • The surprising ways explicit sex talk can cast out shame and silence
  • What some podcasters do that triggers me  
  • How to liberate your voice and find joy in the present moment. 
  • What the empowering “ick” trend on social media is all about
  • How your body physically “remembers”

Finding the humor in any situation can have a profound healing effect. I learned so much about my own triggers around the current culture of sexuality during this illuminating talk. 

Trigger warning: This episode contains conversations and language that may be triggering for some listeners. 

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disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #185 Jan 08, 2024 emotional wellbeing

sexual confidence and reclaiming your power: big talk with hannah berner

[00:00:00] Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I'm not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.
Hello, my friends. Hello. I hope you have had a good first week of 2024. We've got goals, we've got manifestations we want to bring into the world, and sometimes we need support, and sometimes we need guidance, and I'm so glad that you're a listener of this show, so I can offer you these conversations, and this way of thinking, a new way of living, and I also have so much more for you.
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So if you're in this It's now second week of the new year and you're feeling like, I really want to have a coach. I want [00:02:00] some energy to hold me accountable. I want practices laid out for me. I want a plan. Then head over to DearGabby. com forward slash app and let me be your spiritual coach today. Try it out for seven days free.
See what you think. Try me out as your coach this week. See how it goes. See how it flows. You can even get a week inside the Manifesting Challenge if you choose. So head over to DearGabby. com forward slash app. Hey there. Welcome to Dear
Gabby. I'm your host, Gabby Bernstein. And if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you're ready to feel feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let's get started.[00:03:00]
Welcome back, my friends. Welcome to Dear Gabby. Happy New Year. I am bringing in the new year in a big ass way. I am not playing small here, people. I'm going in with some big talks. And this episode is really, really special to me. Really special to me. The young woman who I share a big talk with is my lovely friend and new mentee, Hannah Berner.
It's like the most heart opening love inside this episode. We literally claim that she's my mentee and I'm her mentor while we're on the episode. And not only is she one of the hottest comedians on the scene right now, I mean, Variety named her one of the top 10 comics to watch. But she's also just an all around amazing human.
An amazing human who's been through a lot, who shares vulnerably, but also is wildly funny. And one of the things that comes up on this episode is really very vulnerable for me. I ask Hannah this [00:04:00] very big question right out of the gate about sexuality and some of my own insecurities and some of the things that I notice generationally and it just, you're going to want to listen to this all the way through.
It's actually a conversation I've never even had on this show before. And it's coming through with someone who brings such confidence and clarity and comedy to a topic that sometimes can be very vulnerable for people to talk about. And so, let's bring this in now. This is one of those shows where I'm just so grateful that I have this platform to be able to share some of these really beautiful moments with you all.
So just settle in, and what I promise in this episode is going to rock your world. Enjoy the show. So, okay, there's this question I wanted to ask you that is something I've been really fascinated about with your generation. So I've got a good 12 years on you. Like, I was like, you know, very much budding in my career at 32, like on Oprah, I think around 32, [00:05:00] right?
So boom. And it was in my 25 when I started. So just like you. Wow. Yeah. So I was on this similar trajectory, but there's some big generational adjustments that I've noticed witnessing these new Gen Zers. Slash millennial, which you're really not, but you are a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm a little bit millennial, so we kind of share a bit, but we're in separate generations now.
I see this thing where there's this new wave of, almost like the new wave of Oprah, and it's like Alex Earl . Right? Or it's like, call her daddy. And it's fascinating for me and it's you, and it's like these like young women. that are fully embodied, so confident in their sexuality, very forthcoming about what goes on sexually.
And it's very much almost like, if you're not talking about it, why aren't you talking about it? Right. And whereas my generation, we were like power women. You know, kind of like dudes who are like, get it done, blah, blah. I'm very void of that sexuality. [00:06:00] And so much of like, when I was in my mid to late 30s, it was all about getting your goddess energy out because we've been so shut down.
And so I'm fascinated by this generation that are just like, talking about dicks and blowjobs. And I'm just wanting to learn from you. So much pussy talk. I do think what you said is fascinating. We're like, You guys had to earn, like, us to even have the power, to have the voice, to even be heard. Seriously.
And I, I'm working on some stand up bits about this because I forget, like, my mom was the first woman. In my family to go to college, that's crazy. And I'm sitting here just like taking it for granted that I have an education, that I can vote, that I own my own home, that I have my own finances. When my mom was the first generation that she even got the chance to get educated, the chance to have her own career.
And we forget history so quickly. I'm this first generation of women that is just assuming I should [00:07:00] have these things. I joke that, like, Icks are a thing now, like, they started to be popular, because we're like, I have my own house, I have my own career, I don't need to be with a guy who sits crisscross applesauce.
Yeah. Well, okay, he's doing like a yoga pose. Josh has got some good hip flexors, is how Josh is sitting here. Exactly. But wait, what's an Ick? So an Ick is a thing that girls have created where little, Things that guys will do that suddenly you're like, I'm not into it. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got all the power.
Yes, where back then like, it was like a legal divorce in Ireland 15 years ago. So yeah, it's this new thing where we can't do anything anymore. But it's, it is this, the achy is very empowering. It's basically saying like, If he does a little thing you don't like, you don't have to settle for him. And overall it's funny and sounds stupid, but there is such a power to being like, Hey, so like he was chewing really loudly while he was eating that salad and like, I'm kind of over him.
Yeah. Yeah. So I do think once your [00:08:00] generation was able to be like, we can make money, we're smarter, we're working hard, we can do this. Now our generation is like, buh, buh, buh. But we're also like men, too, because we can talk about sex, because sex is part of us. But it took that first step to get to that next step, you know?
My whole body chills right now. Because if you just came in just talking about blowjobs before I started the power, I wouldn't take it seriously. I grew up in a time where, you know, when I, for my first business, I was doing nightlife PR. I had multiple scenarios that I, like, inched my way out of full blown sexual assault.
Like many, many moments. Nightclub owners, you know, it's like immediately I like recoil like I feel I want to hold you. Yeah as a younger Gabby, yeah younger Gabby doing cocaine to make money and I was like, you know proving myself and I was like I've got president on my business card and but at the same time like people were like sexually harassing me left and right and I Was like whatever like it was not even a thing [00:09:00] Not even a thing.
I mean obviously we know like a movement was unearthed, but yeah No I didn't we didn't talk about that and if we were talking about sexuality in the ways that you guys do We'd be just coined a slut.
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This last week, I was on a plane with this older man who was very nice and funny and we're talking about comedy and he was like, but I can't with these female comedians, they're so gross. So gross, you can't even, you couldn't introduce them to your mom. He brought up like Nikki Glaser, who's my friend and has been very inspiring for me.
And I'm thinking Nikki is a multimillionaire. She's one of the smartest people I've ever met. What do you think? She's going to meet your mom, just start talking about her labia. Like, yeah. Also being funny [00:13:00] as a woman is very connected to intelligence. Yeah. But I think it's also the empowering thing to be like, oh, I'm on stage.
The fact that I can talk about my body. Where most older people would be like men can talk about it, but women should not be talking about their bodies It's like how women are making money on OnlyFans now If you notice there's a sect of the internet of men that are really mad about it Like really mad and it only comes down to power because who do you think is spending the money for these women?
So they're OnlyFans. So these women are like showing their boobs at OnlyFans? Showing their boobs and making But isn't that like a little bit like porn? It definitely is. They're sex workers. Mm hmm, but they're making Millions of dollars were before, and I don't know like that much about the industry, but before, you know, you'd have a man who owned a porn website and you would just naturally go down.
She's an entrepreneur. Yeah. And she's making like, I feel great about that. Okay. Good. Like hundreds of thousands of dollars a month. And I think the men are having trouble fathoming this. But we'll take that money away from those men. [00:14:00] Take that one. And everyone's happy. You know, everyone is happy. Yeah. But I do think for me, I feel like I, one of my strengths is it takes a lot for me to be embarrassed.
I think that's a superpower of mine. Yeah. Where I can talk about things that people might be embarrassed about. And I really think with my stand up, I talk about sex, but I like to talk about realistic sex and how it's awkward. We don't talk enough about. The difficulties of it. It's not always this like hot TV scene on euphoria, you know, sex can be weird.
And I want to normalize the things that women can be. I recently started joking about like people making fun of my knees, how they have like some folds on them. And I'm like, okay, then you'll be scared of my pussy then. So it's like, but like that kind of thing at first you're like, Oh, that's gross. But then if you think big picture, how many girls heard that?
And immediately felt like, oh yeah, because I have a beautiful floral vagina. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in my head, it's really not [00:15:00] disgusting at all because I'm also talking to women a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not out here, I'm not for the shock value. I'm actually for like, I have this microphone and let's talk about Let's talk about queefing, let's talk about when you're doing dogging and he like accidentally hits the wrong hole and you have that awkward, what are we doing here?
And these are things, it's like a female locker room that we didn't feel safe with. Yeah. So I think that because of power and money and taking up space, we're now able to be like, let's talk about sex too. Right? F k on. Because of power, money, taking up space, we can talk about sex too. Yeah, I'm so in awe of this whole thing, because it's just so quite the opposite of how my generation has lived and what I've seen and witnessed.
And it doesn't mean that there wasn't like Chelsea Handler, really raunchy female comedians, but that was where it lived, right? Now it's like podcasts, like just all these podcasters, TikTok stars becoming [00:16:00] famous for having that openness. And I think that some folks though are coming at it for shock value.
I sometimes wonder when I'm seeing these girls with them big boobs and they're perfect everything and they're like talking about blowjobs like thinking to myself, I'm like, do they actually have good sex? Yeah. Yeah. They do? Or yeah? I think it's a full spectrum. Okay. Yeah. And it's. It's empowering to be able to talk about it.
Cause a lot of the time, think about it, you grow up and the boys are masturbating. We don't talk about it. I didn't masturbate until I was 18 cause I thought I wasn't supposed to. Where men are figuring stuff out and everything has to be really kind of like. The boys talk about it. The boys call and say all the stuff they did where your girlfriend's like, we had fun last night.
So it really is this empowering thing. Nikki Glaser and Amy Schumer, they joke about all kinds of sex that they have. I just feel like, I've never talked about this before, but I, I was sexually assaulted. And, um, I've never told anyone. I mean, [00:17:00] I've told my family, but I've never said it publicly. So I, I think for people to see me online talking about sex, it's Me taking the power back because I wasn't because it was something and I after it happened like I didn't have sex for a while So me on stage making light of things talking about it It makes other girls feel better about it because we keep so much in the shadows Mm hmm, we keep so much in the shadows of women and sexuality So that's why I like these women talking about sex and their boobs whether it's really confident really not confident.
I think it's important Yeah, first of all, thank you. No, but thank you for giving me the space to talk about it I really wanted to go there actually because the question I kept thinking as someone who is a sexual abuse survivor from a young age and knowing how much that f ed up my nervous system and f ed up the way that I am in my body literally took me out of my body, right?
So it's just so, so I found, and this was actually where I was going, when I see [00:18:00] your generation speaking so openly and freely about their sexuality with so much power, it triggers the s out of me. Not in a judgmental way, in like a What's wrong with wool, what, because I haven't. been fully in my body. And totally starting to, right.
So, so it's such a, first of all, I'll just think, God bless you. And thank you for sharing that. And to see it from this empowerment, I have control over this conversation. Yeah. And also in my comedy, I'm not bragging about the crazy, fun, wild, like I talk about how I don't understand choking. It triggers me.
Yeah. I'm like, I don't understand BDSM. It gives slapstick humor to me. I can't be serious during it. It's so hard for a woman to orgasm. I joke like. You know, how am I supposed to orgasm when I'm fighting for my life while he's choking? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I want to like have these conversations with someone who [00:19:00] has my insecurities.
I need so much trust to be with someone. And I think you're right. There is a level of online girls will just kind of be like, I had the best weekend. We had like crazy sex. It was amazing. And I'm like, well, What do you mean by that? Right. Like, what do you mean? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was the crazy good sex.
Yeah. And I think there is good sex to be had, but I also think there's so much bad sex and you're 20. Yeah. You've no idea what's going on. They don't know what's going on. So that's what I'm trying to bring to the conversation. And there's like, so many of us that have experienced sexual trauma. Yeah.
Whether it was at a young age or And, you know, blackout or that we still physically remember, right, or just it's most women, right? Well, I actually I feel very comfortable talking about it, especially with you, because I feel like a lot of this is crazy. But like majority of the listeners have had. a really bad sexual experience.
The high majority. And it's funny because my little cousin is going to college right [00:20:00] now. And the first thing I thought, she was like, do you have any advice for me? And I literally just wanted to be like, watch out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should say that to her. You should say that. I just wanted to be like, you're going to have some really bad experiences and you're going to be strong and you're going to be okay from it.
Watch and drink. Don't get wasted. Yeah, because it's the first time with alcohol. So I do think. With people are trying to be more open with the sex conversation, but it is dangerous to talk about sex. Like it's this shiny, fun toy that isn't so nuanced, so complicated and depends on the person. And I wonder how much, you just really opened my eyes to something completely mind blowing that maybe this sort of boss bitch conversation in your generation about sexuality is a bit of a f k you to the Lineage, right?
Like the lineage of women. Well, we had to be quiet. But it's not just about being quiet about our sexuality, it's about the abuse as well. [00:21:00] If there has been such a common thread amongst women They said two out of three women in college. Yeah, two out of three women in college have had some kind of sexual assault or rape or anything like this.
Now, every woman I know, in some form. And it's not a thing that a woman just tells you, they're not just like, hi, I'm Hannah, this is what I've been through. No. But once you get to know them enough. You eventually get to the point where you both have that moment that we just had where we're both like me too.
Me too.
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I'm gonna cry a little bit. So I'm just having this moment of realizing, okay, so I was triggered by witnessing that Alex Cooper is an Alex Earls and Not really triggered by you, because I think for the same reason that you said, because it's like, it's comedy, and it's also very normalized, but there was these moments where I'd see these women in these big explosions of sexual conversation, and I would just be like, What's wrong with me?
And then I'm realizing now like they're actually speaking for me. They're they're like you Alex Earl, Alex Cooper the comedians. You're actually Protecting me. You're actually fighting back for me. You're saying you're not gonna put me into sexual shame mother first. No No, thank you. And I well, thank you for giving women the confidence to even [00:24:00] speak and giving that voice and working on ourselves to get here.
Because I wasn't just 22 doing this. It took me a lot of work to even talk about it. But whenever anyone is like, why do you? Talk about sex on stage. I'm literally like don't tell me what I can talk about with my body Yeah, I mean even like Alex Cooper the gluck gluck 4, 000 is it 4, 000 you guys know I Might be the only 44 year old woman.
Yeah, she's She's giving, like, she's talking about, like, advice to make things, like, fun. She does give embarrassing stories, and sometimes you have to start with the glamorization of it to then get to the dark stuff. Because if you just go in dark, people are like, Okay, I'm not interested. Yeah, no, no, you're right, you're right.
And then I do think Alex Earle blew up from showing her acne first. Yeah, yeah. So both these girls, I think, are doing well because They're showing that they're multifaceted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're showing that they overcompensate sometimes. I mean, Alex Cooper speaks about how [00:25:00] she dyed her hair platinum blonde, was putting on all this makeup, all because a guy wanted her to.
Yeah. And now she sits in her interviews like, Stripped down. Stripped down. And I think that's, Yeah. Again, the fuck you. Yeah. That like, I actually don't have to be sexy all the time to be heard or to be wanted. I, I've had just such a revelation here today. Oh my God, because literally, and seeing you even with her, I'm obsessed with Alex Cooper.
And I'm just saying, like all of you girls, I'm just like, cause you're kind of my heroes and I'm realizing now why. It was triggering me, but not in a way where I was mad at the work or I was like judging. There was a minute where I might have been judgmental about it and my husband called me out on it.
He's like, why are you judging that? And I was like, Oh, because it's a disowned part of my own shadow. Well, it's yeah, you're seeing it through a lens of your own experience. Yes. Yes. And that the women in my generation, the sexual trauma that we've underwent. Became something you had to hide, it was something that you [00:26:00] had to live with that shame so much so that I dissociated from it for 36 years.
So much so that in memories, right? And you know, I've been in conversation with a lot of other women in my generation, so we'll shut that shit down and it's been stuck in our body and we talking about sexuality would feel almost ick. It's like an ick. And so it's like, that's them winning. That's them winning.
And that's what I'm realizing. Yeah. Being like, that I'm not, I'm going to avoid it, I'm going to touch it because it's such a, it's part of you. That's right. You're having to like, numb conversation. I'm even having a conversation. This is the first time I'm really talking about sex on the show. And I, I'm honored to be that person to, cause it's funny if you think about it, my standup is actually, people assume it's going to be really dirty and it's actually not as dirty as people think it'll be because my goal is not shock factor.
My goal is not just like, Saying dick. Yeah. It's like I have. Normalization. Things that I'm trying to talk about. Yes. And I have a lot of different stuff that people will see when they come to my shows. But it [00:27:00] reminds me. I joke, I've actually joked about this with Nikki Glaser. It's like the poop concept.
The pooping was one thing that I felt insecure about because pooping is the ultimate it's disgusting. I mean, it's valid. It's disgusting. Guys don't think it's good. So I became fascinated by like why I can feel comfortable enough to talk about like pooping. Okay. And I don't like anything that I feel like I have to hide.
Yeah. So I was kind of fascinated by this. And then I realized with other girls. When they would be like, I'm gonna go take a s t, I thought it was so cool and empowering and I'm like, that is some confident stuff. And I realized, it's the ultimate bonding if we're out to eat and I turn and I go, I need to poop so bad.
It's me, like, completely being raw and vulnerable that allows you to be raw and vulnerable. When I first met Nikki Glaser, I remember we were like, kind of looking at each other up and down, we're too female. Comics, you know, she's the star and I'm up and coming and I look up to her. I remember [00:28:00] looking at her.
I'm, I'm like, I have to go have a nervous poop. Yeah. And she immediately, all her walls came. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we had this like bonding moment. Yeah. And that's almost kind of how I feel with the sex stuff, where it's like, same, let's stop pretending that you've had an amazing time last night. Yeah.
And you could have, yeah. But let's be honest. He was saying weird things, you weren't that into it, he was jackhammering you, and that was it. And it was ick, and I'm done. And I got the ick, and that's okay. Yeah, I got the ick. Because then when you don't get the ick, we're also going to be there for you. Oh my god, I think you're going to, like, make me have better sex tonight, I'm sure.
That is so funny, because I do not consider myself some, like You know, sexual, whatever. I think you're liberating me right now. Okay, now I need to start a sex podcast. But I, I am someone who like, I have boundaries with sex. Like, I will never, I realize I don't like having random hookups with people. Well, you're married now, so.
That's been a deterrent for sure. But I, I definitely want girls to know that if [00:29:00] they're not comfortable, they don't have to do it. And even yesterday on my podcast, a girl mentioned she had hooked up with two guys in one weekend and she was feeling horrible about it. And I was like, did you have fun?
Because if you did, exactly. Yeah. You had fun. That's great. And also like, what, would you rather hook up with the first guy and make up that he's this amazing guy in your head and be obsessed with him for six months? Yeah. No, you're dating. And you figure that's, he's probably doing the same thing. Well, I can probably talk about this for another three hours.
And if I was Joe Rogan, I would. And we made it a shared, we can't take up that much space. No, no, I can take up way more than Joe Rogan. I, no, I've got, I've got lots to talk about. Not even high. Oh, I'm sobery. I'm a sober, sober, sober, chubby, fucking Joe Rogan.
Oh God, motivational speaker compares herself to Joe Rogan. Okay, here we are. But yeah, no, no, we do have that genius in us and we do have that three hours and we don't have to be high to do it. But really what I have to really solidify right here and I think that there's [00:30:00] so much more to this and I think that there's more for us to do about this and talk about with this.
is that your generation, so we took one for the team, and having to stay silent. But having a little bit more than the generation before us, right? And then now we're in a place where you guys are speaking for us. Your openness and your confidence and your sexuality and your confidence in leveling the playing field.
If they're going to talk about pussy, I'm going to talk about dick, right? Like letting that be the dialogue has gifted us because I'm feeling super liberated realizing that, okay, my trigger was real. Like that was the, my shame from the start. Valid. It's a shameful part, it's a young part, it's a part I've carried forever that's like, oh, sexuality is scary, wow, these girls are really confronting.
And then being able to say, wait, but I also admire that and then being able to sit here with you and hear what you're saying, which is that in the face of adversity, we actually now are using our voices and platforms to say, [00:31:00] no, you're not going to control the conversation. You cannot get me to shut up. I have a mouthpiece and I'm going to use it.
You're doing the right thing with it. Thank you. You've liberated me. You're my mentor. The mentee has mentors. Plus my maestro. You're my teacher. Thank you. You're my sex teacher. I'm your sex teacher. Thank you for making me feel comfortable and connected with you to speak on this, because I actually have always wanted to.
But I haven't found the right time. Yeah, and I'm gonna give you my book, Happy Days, because it tells the story of what happens in our body and the ways that we may protect ourselves as a way of trying to stay safe. And I want women to know who have gone through it. Like, we're two people who have gone through it.
And it arguably, like, made me the person I am today and made me stronger. A thousand percent. And just being in the full blown acceptance for both of us and all women who have had any form of sexual trauma, [00:32:00] there is total hope on the other side that it can be released from your body, that you can be free from that trauma, and that it also can have a major horrific effect on your life that Can be undone.
Yes. Okay. Yes. So you'll give us permission to talk about sex and I'll give us permission to talk about our trauma. And together we can really blind people.
If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you're truly committed to miracles. I'm really proud of you. If you want to get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode. Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience of this show means a lot to me, so I really want to welcome you to leave an honest review.
And you can follow me on social media at Gabby Bernstein. And if you want to get in on the action, sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby'd live at DearGabby. com. See you next week. Gabby. [00:33:00] Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.