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finding your self-worth

Self-worth is something we all struggle with, which is why I wanted to sit down with the founder of IT Cosmetics, Jamie Kern Lima, to talk about her book, Worthy. In this episode, Jamie shares her journey of overcoming self-doubt and rejection while building her billion-dollar cosmetics business. She speaks candidly about how, even at the peak of her success, she still struggled to believe that she was worthy in various aspects of her life. Our conversation serves as a powerful guide for anyone seeking to cultivate positive self-belief and lead a purpose-driven life.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • The difference between self-confidence and self-worth
  • How to reframe difficult or hurtful experiences positively
  • How to handle impostor syndrome
  • Why authenticity to our true selves guarantees long-term success
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This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #193 Feb 23, 2024 purpose

self-worth and success, unlock your full potential — big talk with jamie kern lima

Gabby: Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

Welcome to Dear Gabby.

JKL: I am so honored and excited to be here
.
It's going to be an amazing episode. I love you.

Gabby: you. I've loved you before. I knew you. I love you every morning when I wake up and I put my. BB Creams on my IT Cosmetics and it's funny when you meet somebody who's created something that's such a big part of your daily routine. So before we get in, I mean, if anyone doesn't know who you are, it's like a two second, two second, like this is where I came from.

This is what I did. This is what I created. Like two seconds. Not

JKL: my goodness,

Gabby: Cause we got a lot to talk about with this book that we got here right now. So we've heard a

JKL: Yeah, so I think the story the press loves to say about me is Denny's Waitress Builds Billion Dollar Company. I started at cosmetics in my living room. I went through years and years and years and years of and eventually built it to over a thousand employees and, eventually sold it to L'Oreal in 2016 and their biggest [00:01:00] acquisition, to date in the U.S.

So they made me the first woman to hold a CEO title in their hundred year history and, My real story, now that is all true, and my real story is a girl who most of my life did not believe I was enough, did not believe in myself, and my whole big journey has been learning how to believe in myself and also how to believe I'm worthy. of my goals, my dreams. Yes, it is right. Why? I wrote worthy for every single person who just, has some self doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill.

Gabby: Whoa, that's a good one liner, my love. self doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill. Oh my God. I think every listener out there is like raising their hand.

I have a psychic hit. This is going to be big. This is so big I know this for my community in particular, but I think there's so many people out there that are.

Gabby: Maybe waiting to be picked or comparing themselves or going like putting [00:02:00] their toe in to make that move and then pulling it back because of that feeling of unworthiness.

And so let's dive into that. The self doubt, the self attack, the judgment, the feelings of unworthiness. What does that sort of boil down to for you? First, let's go there.

JKL: It is wild. Those three scenarios you just described, I feel like so many of us connect to that. And, right now, 80 percent of women don't believe they're enough.

75 percent of female executives deal with imposter syndrome. You look at men as well. 73 percent of men feel inadequate and not enough. And, so often in life, we think Oh, I want to manifest the thing and I just also need to get more experience or more skills or more this or more that. But when underneath it all, if we don't believe we're worthy of the thing, it will not come, right?

Because in life we don't get what we want. We so often get what we believe we're worthy of.

Gabby: and

JKL: Self [00:03:00] worth, one of the biggest epiphanies I had in my life, Gabby is, and maybe some people can relate to this who are listening in with us right now, is I always believe this lie that if I finally could achieve enough, then I would feel enough.

And I spent a whole lot of my life thinking, Oh, I just need to achieve more, achieve more, achieve more. I, And I would finally arrive at that goal thinking Oh my gosh, I worked so hard for this. And I thought, right. For anyone listening, maybe they thought, Oh, and I finally, get a romantic partner or when I finally get six pack abs or hit a goal weight or a certain job title or whatever it might be then.

And I'm going to be so happy and fulfilled and all my problems will be solved. And often for a lot of us, we arrive at that thing and then we're like happy for a little bit. And then before we know it, we're back to feeling like something's missing or like we're not enough. And so our solution is, or what's next, what's next, what's next.

And then our solution is to work harder for the next thing. And the next thing thinking, finally, I [00:04:00] just got to hustle harder, level up, level up, and then maybe I'll feel like I'm enough.

Gabby: you will.

JKL: That is a lie. That is a lie. and that builds a lot of self confidence, which is really, really important, and growth and contribution.

But all the things in the world we achieve on the outside, none of them actually build, they build self confidence, which is important, but none of them build true self worth, which is really, really different. And so one of the chapters I go into in Worthy, that was the, Probably one of the most life changing things for me was I thought most of my life, I just need more self confidence because self doubt was, I was doubting myself off out of a lot of stuff most of my life, including thinking I wasn't worthy of being in great friendships or thinking I, staying in toxic relationships with people that mistreated me and just It's on and on and on and I thought I just need to build more confidence and achieve more and all these things.

And I didn't realize that I thought I needed more self confidence, but what I really needed was more [00:05:00] self worth and they're very different. And I got very good at my life at building a lot of self confidence and achieving a lot of things and all this stuff.

Gabby: But,

JKL: wherever you go, you still take you with you, right?

And our self confidence, while it's an internal trade, it's based so much on the external and it fluctuates and it's fragile and it rises and falls. If we're winning or losing or, our willingness to try and go for it and how we. So I'm going to talk a little bit about how we assess our skills and abilities and how we feel we compare to others and the studies show like the boxer who wins the match is 30 percent more confident and our confidence is really important, but it's fragile and it's volatile.

Our self worth is different. It's like the deep internal. Knowing and belief that you are worthy of love and belonging exactly as you are, not as you achieve, not as your past mistakes or failures or regrets, but you innately, the you that is you exactly as you are [00:06:00] fully worthy and that I like to describe it as like our confidence is the house we're building with the rooms and the walls and the art and this beautiful pursuit in our life and it's Confidence is very important, but our identity, our self worth is the foundation underneath it all.

And our house is only ever going to be as stable as that foundation of self worth.

Gabby: and

JKL: so many people are, including myself, have self worth issues and don't know. Like most of my life, I just thought, I didn't know why I was sabotaging stuff. I didn't know. And here's the thing is our self worth.

is our ceiling in every area of life. And, the last thing I'll say to that is, is for anyone listening and wondering okay, is Worthy the book worthy for me? Do I have a self worth?

Gabby: yeah, I was going to ask you, what is the signs

JKL: Yeah, okay, three big

Gabby: Okay. Go for it. Three

JKL: big ways. You tell I'm like?

Gabby: Jamie, you are answering all my questions. Keep going. I don't need to talk. Keep going. [00:07:00] Give your motivational

JKL: insane. We're just like in sync. Oh my gosh. Okay. So yeah, for anyone, anyone listening with us right now, self worth and this is, Oh my gosh. Even if no one buys worthy, they just listen to this episode. I I hope they do, but this, I want them to get this out of it right now in their life because this is big.

If we have low self worth, often what this looks like is we're stuck. We're stuck and we don't know why we think oh, I've got to get more skill set. I got to get more experience I'm just not ready yet. I'm do all the things You know, we think oh, I want to find a partner, but I'm just not getting on the dating app But I don't know why I'm not going out socializing or we have an idea for a book and we don't know why we just haven't written a word of it, or we're working in a business, but like we know in our soul we're born to start our own and we don't know why we haven't.

We stay stuck and we think it's because we need more experience, et cetera, et cetera. For a lot of us, we don't realize we're actually stuck because deep down inside, we don't believe that we're worthy of the [00:08:00] thing. And so our self worth becomes our ceiling. If you have a low to medium self worth, what that looks and this was me a lot of my life, is that you'll go for the thing, you'll go for it, but then you'll either hit a ceiling, you're like, oh, I really want To have a four or five figure business and it keeps hitting a ceiling at three figures or, or you write the book, but then you don't send it out anywhere.

You write the song and create the paintings and you haven't shared your art with the world. You meet a potential partner and they're amazing. And you just. Somehow aren't attracted to them and put them in the friend zone and you don't know why we will sabotage things When deep down inside we don't think we're worthy of them And then if you have medium to high self worth and this is a lot of people who are achievers You'll actually go for the thing you'll accomplish it The whole world will tell you you're crushing it and you don't know why that you still feel Like something's missing and like you're not enough and so you live perpetually [00:09:00] unfulfilled.

And, a lot of people, Gabby think well, if I think I'm enough as I am, maybe I'll lose my edge. Maybe I'll lose my ambition. And it's like Oh, no, it's actually the opposite.the stronger your self worth, you become more ambitious. I'm actually more ambitious now than I've ever been because you, Oh, if I fall flat on my face, if I, it's, yeah, it might shake my confidence, but it cannot touch my self worth and they are different.

So your self worth is your ceiling. And the more you build it, the more you become fulfilled. In just who you are, the more you can enjoy the things that you are achieving through the pursuits of confidence, et cetera, which is really important in life. Like building self confidence is really important in life.

It's just different

Gabby: And I actually might add that I think genuine self confidence comes when you have grounded yourself in self worth. When real self worth is self confidence, right? [00:10:00] Genuine self

JKL: Genuine. Yeah. You can

Gabby: you can be confident, I can do that thing or I can make that happen. When you're in that knowing, as you described it, I am worthy.

JKL: yes.

Gabby: That is a energetic confidence that just emanates off of you naturally. It's just a natural effect of your worthiness.

JKL: Yeah, and you feel so much more just like in alignment with your assignment in life

Gabby: Like alignment. Alignment with your assignment. Nice one.

JKL: you step into who you are and you're just more Exactly you and yeah, and every time we show up in authentically A it's impossible to have a real connection with another human being, whether it's a friend or a partner or a customer or followers on social media.

But be every time we show up as the mask, we think people want us to be. We're literally telling ourselves that we are unworthy of being who we are, that we are not enough is who we are. And so, exactly what you said.

Gabby: There's also, I'll speak for myself, but while I have always believed I was [00:11:00] worthy of. What I was creating and worthy. I think I was kind of bornwith this sensation of I'm worthy of doing the things I'm called to do. Some of that has developed with my spiritual connection, but I didn't enjoy the journey of it for so many years because I didn't believe I was worthy of support.

JKL: Mmm.

Gabby: So I was by myself in it. I was on my own in it.

JKL: Yes.

Gabby: it's not always necessarily about what we're creating. It's how we're creating. And how we're showing up and how we're enjoying our life. And so believing we're worthy of the support of others or believing we're worthy of the love of others. It's all core beliefs that can carry on.

JKL: And exactly what you said is we can be believer worthy in some areas

Gabby: Yep, that's right.

JKL: and not in others, right?

Gabby: I,

JKL: And I did not know the difference. I didn't know why believing you're worthy was important until literally just a couple years ago. I had, worked so hard building a cosmetics from my living room and all this stuff was happening. And, [00:12:00] at the peak of my self confidence, at the peak of believing I was worthy of all this success in business, I was still sabotaging.

Things in friendship that I didn't feel I was worthy of. I know, this might be a fun story to share with everyone, listening, who knows you've been on Oprah. All the things, right? And, I don't know if you had this experience, but when I was a little girl, I used to watch her in my living room every day.

And I remember just she's why I went into journalism and I thought, one day I'm going to share other people's stories with the world. And I dreamed my whole life of meeting her. And I dared to believe it would happen. I prayed and believed it would happen. Now, fast forward 39 years. I had sold at cosmetics.

I, was the most confident I've ever been in my life, right? On the Forbes list. Oh, this stuff was great. And I meet her. My lifelong dream happened. I met her. She invited me to lunch at her house.

Gabby: aren't you her neighbor?

JKL: Yeah. Now, now. Yeah. But she invited me to lunch. This was before any of

Gabby: Okay, before you were her[00:13:00]

JKL: Yes. Before I was in a, she invited me to lunch.

This is such a wild story because this is for every person listening who has ever sabotaged something or whoever is like, Wait a minute. What has my self doubt already cost me in my life? And you're ready to change that. I thought Gabby I was and I was really confident and I was crushing it in business and All those things that the world tells me.

Oh, wow, great job. I meet Oprah I'm 39 years old. She invites me to lunch I can't even believe this is happening, right? It's my lifelong dream. Go to her house. We have a three hour lunch. At the end of that three hour lunch, and I, and it was great. It was like, and I'm normally introverted. I was talking the whole, like it was great.

At the very end of it, she gives me her cell phone number and she says, call me anytime. You can call me anytime. And from that moment, I did not call her for four years.

Gabby: For

JKL: four years. And in that journey, that four year window, I would tell myself like, Oh, [00:14:00] I'm just waiting for the right thing to say, or everyone probably wants something from her.

I'm going to prove I don't need anything. I told myself these stories and then one day it hit me. The real reason why I hadn't called her in four years was because deep down inside I did not believe I was worthy of being her friend.

Gabby: Yep.

JKL: And it goes to that emotional part you're talking about. I didn't think I was worthy of someone else showing up for me

And I just was like. Of me having just like friendships like that and I sabotaged it and that was the day I picked up the phone and called her and Because our self doubt lives in our mind, it is not who we are, and our knowing, our truth, our full essence of who we are, our worthiness lives in our soul.

And when we tune into that, that's why I wrote Worthy, because that day when I called her was the day I became obsessed with studying self worth and with understanding, oh my gosh, there's a big difference between self worth and self confidence. and Worthy is a book about not like all these things you got to [00:15:00] figure out.

It's like, oh no, it's really about unlearning these lies, right, that lead to self doubt and then sort of like igniting these truths that, that wake up worthiness. Because I don't, I do not care how, what someone has done in their past, how many past mistakes or failures, how many things we regret or on and on.

Gabby: there,

JKL: There is nothing that someone could have done or could ever do, or how many successes they've had that changes the fact that every person listening to us right now, exactly as they are, is fully worthy.

Gabby: Yep.

JKL: And the moment you believe that is the moment that every part of your life shifts, right?

When you believe you are worthy of the things you are manifesting, I mean, oh my gosh.

Gabby: But what's so cool right now is witnessing you in your worth because you're so lit up by this and it's so embodied.

And so I'm thinking about the listener right now who's like, Oh my God, I want that energy. I want that faith. there's so many methods in here and there's so much [00:16:00] grace and so much guidance. What do you think is the most important guide, the piece of guidance inside the book that says this is the most important thing you can do to start to unlearn that belief of unworthiness and reclaim the truth of who you are?

JKL: my gosh. Okay.

Gabby: Or you can give a few. You don't have to give one. Give a

JKL: Okay. Good. Yeah. There's because there's over 20 tools in here. I wrote one book ever before I call believe it. And it was really my story of learning to believe in myself. But worthy is like the playbook on how do you believe in use? There's 20 tools in it.

There's this whole section on all the lies we need to unlearn. but two things I'll just tap on really fast that I just love in case someone needs to hear them today. For anyone who's gone through rejections or setbacks or just things they perceive as failures. Those things rattle our confidence, but when we let them take root in our identity and instead of thinking I failed or I got rejected, we think I'm a failure, I'm a reject.

That's [00:17:00] when it just penetrates our self worth. And in the book, there's a chapter called when you change your relationship with rejection, you change your entire life. And it was going to be its own book. And, but I'm so in

Gabby: become books. Maybe

JKL: it should be. I was, I didn't want to wait two more years to publish

Gabby: it.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

JKL: I need it in here now.

And so it's the longest chapter in the book, chapter two.

But I go through this four part framework that I think is so powerful because, you know, as human beings, like we're wired to avoid pain at all costs. And we so often, everything's the meaning we assigned to it. And for a lot of us, we assign such a painful meaning or definition to rejection or failure when it happens.

So, It can keep us stuck because we don't want to go after the thing. And I go through a four part framework on how to identify your current definition of rejection and failure. And a lot of people aren't even

Gabby: aware of

JKL: right? But like for everyone listening right now, if you imagine yourself getting rejected or imagine yourself failing at something, and then [00:18:00] don't think about it, but think about what's the first thing you think.

Like for me, most of my life, it's like instantly I'll think, Oh yeah, there's proof I'm not enough. Right? I think that over and over. A lot of people, it might be like, oh, I'm a failure, why'd I even try? I'm, not smart enough, I'm too young, I'm too old.

Those things we think instantly. And we associate so much pain or, or negativity with rejection and, and failure that We won't go for things.

We won't put our art out there in the world. We won't tell the person we want to be more than just friends like on and on and on. and in building it, cosmetics, a lot of people don't know that they just see the outcome now, but the journey was years and years of hundreds of hundreds of rejections. And, there was one painful rejection one time that QVC had given me where they said you're not the right fit for our customers or for QVC.

And I just had this knowing and I'd been manifesting it every, I knew, praying about it, manifesting. I knew my knowing we're supposed to be on QVC, but they told me no for years. And every time I remember one painful [00:19:00] no. By the way, we eventually built the biggest beauty brand in QVC's history, right?

I just want to share that for everyone in your

Gabby: go, girlfriend.

JKL: who manifests, who's like, why isn't it happening yet?

Gabby: because it's not the right moment. Yes. Rejection is

JKL: yes, exactly. and so I sat there after one painful rejection and I just wrote out, this rejection does not mean I'm not enough.

It means I'm one of the brave ones willing to go for it.because I, Googled every person that ever built a great business or been a thought leader and they had all gone through so many failures. and rejections and setbacks. They were just the brave ones willing to keep going. And I started amassing this toolbox of new definitions of rejection failure that I believe in my soul to be true.

And every time they would happen, I'd replace them. rejection is God's protection. Rejection is the universe's protection. I just started amassing all these. And I go through in the book how to do this in your life and how to actually not just replace, and redefine rejection failure to a way where you actually believe it and embrace it.

Because in this journey of [00:20:00] building what became a billion dollar business, I literally taught myself to become fearless about rejection. It would happen to me and I. Instantly I catch myself thinking, Oh, I'm not enough, and I go right into Oh, rejection is God's protection. Like I cannot wait to see what's coming up.

God gives you double for your trouble. Like I literally would

Gabby: you reprogrammed your

JKL: Yes. I reprogrammed me. And then my favorite part, is in the four part framework as I teach people how to revisit past rejections and failures that they don't know have been just taking root in their identity and holding them back and just like for anybody and how to redefine them.

And it's for anyone listening today, maybe who has like a heartbreak or someone just didn't see their value.

Gabby: I think that you might be able to help me right now. Yeah. Oh yeah. Help me. Okay. So I just submit, I finished my 10th book.

Self help. Congratulations. Thank you.

JKL: I am so excited for it.

Gabby: And this is the first time I'm writing a book it's my book. it's my method, but it's informed by internal family systems [00:21:00] therapy. So I've taken this therapy and I've taken my experience of it and created an IFS informed method for self help.

And right before you joined me, I texted my mentor friend, the founder of internal family systems therapy. Dr. Richard Schwartz, and I was like, Hey Dick, like, how are you doing? Did you get the book? And he's like, Oh, I was just finishing the last pages. I'm about to email you my notes. And so my first response was like, remember, I will change anything, capital letter, anything that needs to be changed.

And the. feeling of unworthiness in me at the moment. I'm trained in IFS at the level one and level two and, and I've got him on speed dial and I've practiced it in my own therapy for a decade. But there's a sense of unworthiness within me and I know where it tracks. It was, when I was a kid in sixth grade, I was told I was stupid by the boy that I liked.

And from that point forward, I believed I was stupid and I never excelled in school and just, you know, just held back, held back, held back. And so yeah, Writing this book was, that little girl came back up and it was the feeling [00:22:00] of, I'm not a therapist. I'm not smart enough. Who am I to write a book about a therapy?

And so I'm sitting here and I'm like, holy

Gabby: bleep, there she is again. Like that feeling of like, Oh my God, I'm terrified to see what Dick writes back and says like, rewrite the whole book. That's where I'm at right now. So how can you help me? Okay.

JKL: I love this. Thank you for sharing that so vulnerably. As you always do.

Gabby: Yes. Okay.

JKL: Two things, knowing that 75 percent of women deal with imposter syndrome, right? and often it comes from us thinking we need to be something other than we are or that who we are as we are is not enough.

What is so beautiful about what you are sharing right now is you're saying, this is exactly where I am, exactly what I've gone through and I've done this for 10 years and I'm at level two. You're sharing exactly who you are. It is impossible.

For this book exactly as you've written it to not be enough and what I want to say by this, okay, let me break this down for a second.

You will get feedback from him and I don't know him personally, but from what you've [00:23:00] shared, of course, he's the founder of that. So just by nature of that, he's going to know at a more granular level, what he's created and what you're teaching. And with that said. In my journey of building a cosmetics, there were so many people who had way more experience than me in the beauty industry who had, done incredible things, who were experts on pedestals. In most cases, had I listened to everything they told me to do, I would have put out a product inauthentic to who I was and it would have failed.

Gabby: Okay,

JKL: Because here's what I know to be true. And I don't know who needs to hear this today. In addition to you and me, but while authenticity alone does not automatically guarantee success in authenticity guarantees failure every time.

Over time. And how many people do you and I both know, even inside of a thought leadership space where you're like, I don't think that's who they really are. And they might make a splash for a year or two and then they're gone. people connect with the power of [00:24:00] authenticity. That's why so many people connect with you.

So what's beautiful about this moment is that while what a blessing and a gift that he will come to you with feedback for the book. What I would do or what I have done historically is I will Cherish that. And then I'll filter all of it through my own intuition, my own knowing, pray about it, get still about it and be like, well, that might be true, but I'm going to choose not to include that part in my book.

Or while I might seem to some people less experienced, if I admit this, this is my truth and just like all through your knowing, because that is like we were talking earlier about living in alignment with your assignment. Right. And what. gift he can, and if he tears it up and tears it apart, good, because it's no indication of the potential of the book.

The book is your truth and your experience and your magic and your journey and your manifestation and all his feedback is just a beautiful blessing and gift to process through your own knowing and your own intuition, [00:25:00] right? Feedback

Gabby: is a way to process through your own knowing.

Boom. Sister. Oh my God. That was exactly what I needed to hear. That the authenticity trumps everything.

JKL: It's why, look at, look, this is your 10th book. Who in the world writes 10 best selling, kick ass books, right? So it's like, okay, this might be a newer way to do it with a newer focus and new tools and new all of that stuff. And by the way, for the dude when you were in the third grade, right, or anyone else right now who has had someone tell them they are not enough or a partner betrayed you, or you wanted the job so bad and they didn't see your value, whatever it is.

My favorite, I, this is like my prayer, my, my reframe. I talk about it and worthy a lot and how to do this for past rejections and failures. I will literally amass a definition, a toolbox of definitions for that. But the one I use almost every day, I use it this morning, by the way, [00:26:00] when a friend. wasn't showing up for me the way I had hoped he would have.

I will imagine God saying to me, instead of me thinking something's wrong with me, or me thinking I'm not enough, or me thinking I don't have what it takes, I will imagine God, and for some people it will be the universe, whatever you believe, I will imagine God saying to me, Oh, you weren't rejected. I hid your value from them because they're not assigned to your destiny.

Gabby: Whoa, mama. I

JKL: it to my core and it helps me not let that Rejection, that person that didn't see my value, helps

Gabby: They were not assigned to your destiny.

JKL: not assigned to my destiny. God blocked their value for, mm mm, right?

Gabby: You know that you're a motivational, so mean you are a motivational speaker, yes, you have had such success with the makeup, yes, you are an extraordinary business person, but this is the work.

This is the work.

JKL: I do feel, I feel worthy as the best work of my life.

Gabby: I think this book is going to radically change people's lives.

And I mean it, I mean it. I'm looking in the eye and I really [00:27:00] want you to hear me. This is the energy, the intention, the experience, the authenticity is going to come through every reprint of this book and it is going to change lives. Just like you just totally redirected me just right now. The other thing also is the extraordinary channeled passion that is moving through you right now.

It's going to come through every single imprint of this book and I am just so proud of you and it's such a blessing to be in the presence of someone sitting in the seat of their worthiness. So thank you.

JKL: Thank you.

Gabby: It was just bomb. Thank you.

JKL: Thank you, Gaby.

Gabby: Oh my God. Go get worthy everybody. How to believe you are enough and transform your life.

Gabby: Simple steps, life changing results. Go get Jamie Kornleva's book, the New York Times bestseller. I love you. This might be number one. I think this might be a number one, but who bleeping cares? Cause it's worthy of just serving souls. So there you go, people go grab it. Thank you, my love.

JKL: you. I love you.