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I have a story I don’t often tell. It’s from my early 20s when I was a nightclub publicist with a mantra of “Say Gabby at the door.” I was so focused on the outside world proving my worth, and I thought I’d finally “made it” when Maxim magazine called me for a “Power Girls” feature.

When the reporter asked me, “What does it mean to be confident?” I replied, “Confidence means that everyone in the room knows that you have the power.” I’m so sad for that girl who believed her confidence came from anywhere but within.

Today, my confidence comes from my ability to rely on a power greater than me. In this episode, I’m giving you a full-on confidence training. This is your chance to stop questioning yourself, stop playing small, and stop pretending to be someone you’re not.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • The spiritual shift that creates true, unshakeable confidence.
  • How to tell the difference between your intuition and your fear.
  • The real reason you’re seeking approval on social media and how to heal the root cause.
  • Why the key to my success has been not letting other people’s opinions stop me.
  • How to become an “untethered force of light,” fully and unapologetically yourself.

If you’re ready to feel free, this episode will show you the way.

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disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #280 Sep 08, 2025 emotional wellbeing

the spiritual secret to unshakeable confidence

[00:00:00] The following podcast is a dear media production.

Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I'm your host Gabby Bernstein, and if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you're ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let's get started.

Welcome back to Dear Gabby, my friends, welcome back. I am so glad you're here with me today. I hope you are starting your week off with a lot of positive vibes. I wanna begin today with the way I love to begin, which is by pulling a card from one of my decks. So I'm gonna pull a card now. Lemme grab it.

Ooh, that's a good one. Okay, here we go. Owning my power inspires others to do the same. I am not afraid to shine. [00:01:00] Oof. Nice way to start the day. Okay, here we go. I want you to just take a deep breath right now. Just let that message land with you. Just let it sink with you. I want you to own your power.

Owning your power. It's not gonna require you to push or feel like you have to be the loudest voice in the room. It's actually really the opposite. It's just making the steady choice to be who you really are, to not shrink, to not start to shape. Shift in those moments, to not apologize for your authenticity.

Just be who you're, and when you stand in that authentic truth, you. Energy starts to magnetize and you become more resonant with others around you. Not everybody loves that authentic power, but you are going to attract what's right for you and it's gonna start to feel more safe inside that you can really shine.

So I want you to really [00:02:00] reflect on that for a moment and just think for a second maybe where in your life are you still holding back? Are you dimming your light? Where are you dimming your light to make other people feel more comfortable? I want you to just notice what's coming up. As I say that, don't judge yourself please, but just notice with some honest awareness right now and just take that affirmation with you throughout the day.

That beautiful affirmation. Owning my power inspires others to do the same. I am not afraid to shine. Let that settle in. That's your message for today. My guess is if you're listening right now, you're probably like, Gabby, that is the perfect message. It's exactly what I needed. If that's the answer, I want you to leave me a review and tell me, because I feel like that is always what happens.

You get exactly what you need, when you need it most. All right, so I wanna transition now and just a little note from someone that's using my app, and this is just gonna capture how those daily small actions make major change in your life. And this is somebody using the Gabby coaching app and [00:03:00] she says, this is the greatest way to start your day.

I am a better person on the days that I start my morning with Gabby, whether it's a challenge pulling a card or sitting in meditation. Even the smallest thing opens my heart and mind to love and abundance, and allows me to move through my day more mindfully and easefully. Oh my God, I love this testimonial.

It's so good. 'cause it's proving that even the smallest practice, that one meditation or that one card pull. It can actually shift how you move through your world, especially when you're doing it in the morning. I love this. I love this. So if you're not a Gabby coaching member, I want you to go check out the app@deargabby.com/app.

There's something major, major, major, major like life changing major coming into this app in the next. Month. So get in now. Get in now. I mean, literally earth shattering, life changing major. It's going to change every corner of your [00:04:00] life. What's gonna be inside this app. So if you're curious, go try seven days free@deargabby.com/app.

And in the next month, this literally life changing edition is gonna be there. So strap on your seatbelt. I know I'm being so cagey, but it's. It's gonna blow your mind. It's gonna blow your mind. I just can't talk about it quite yet. So go to dear gabby.com/app and stick around for the miracles. All right, so now we're gonna go deeper.

Today I am gonna bring you back to a talk that I gave in 2019, and this is a talk where I shared a really personal story about how I used to see confidence and how I. Completely redefined it. And I, I don't tell this story often. It's actually kind of a shameful story, but it's really a reminder that your power doesn't come from that outside approval.

It's gonna come from within you. And so if you're wanting to really step into more confidence and own your power, listen up. Enjoy this now. So this morning's topic is on confidence, and I have a really interesting story that I don't often tell. And this is a story [00:05:00] that's a little shameful. It's important for me to share.

In my early twenties, I ran a PR business called Spark Plug pr. The name of the business was very appropriate. Like I really thought that I was a spark plug and I represented nightclubs. This is what I did. So I was 21 to 25 and I was representing nightclubs. So I was always in the club and I was always out partying, walking through the velvet ropes.

My mantra was. Say Gabby at the door. I constantly just brought in this vibe of I've got it all together. Everybody needs to see that. It says president on my business card. Really putting myself out in a way where I was so focused on the outside, so focused on the pretenses that I had placed upon myself.

And the more feedback I got, the better I felt. And when I didn't get that feedback, I felt like crap. Constantly seeking, seeking, seeking, wanting that outside world to prove to me how great I [00:06:00] was. Then around this time there was a rise of the reality TV show stuff happening out in the scene and all that reality TV show stuff was pretty new.

So it was very reality at the time. Now it was pretty scripted, huh? So there was this trend happening around these New York City PR girls, and they created a reality TV show. I think it was on MTV or VH one, and it was called Power Girls. It was all these New York City PR women being power girls. And around this trend, budding people wanted to write about these power girls.

They wanted to write about what it meant to be a power girl. And so I got a phone call from a magazine and they said to me, we're interviewing six New York City publicists and we'd like you to be one of them. And this is a trend story around what it means to be a power girl. And I was like, oh, yes, I'm ready.

The magazine was Maxim. So then I [00:07:00] really thought I'd made it. So I, I say, yes, I'll totally do the maximum photo shoot. I'll totally do the interview. This is proving to me that I have made it. I know car picks me up to go to the photo shoot. I drive to Brooklyn to this big fancy studio. Get into the studio, they put in hair extensions down to here.

I've got boots up to here, my skirt's up to here and I feel hot. I'm in Max Magazine. I mean, thankfully I was wearing clothes. So I'm taking the photos. The photos are happening and they're happening having, I feel like a rock star. I'm, you know, sitting there with my boots on, with all the power girls around me, and afterwards I do the interview. So I sit down with the reporter and we start to do the interview.

Her first question to me is, what does it mean to be confident? And immediately I responded. Confidence means [00:08:00] that everyone in the room knows that you have the power.

And I think back to that 20 something girl who truly believed that, who truly, that her confidence came from an outside source. We truly believed that confidence was something that she had to prove to the world, and that people had to see her having power in order for her to feel good enough. And I'm sad for that girl.

I'm really sad for that girl. I'm sad that she thought that she needed that. I'm sad that she felt that she was that incomplete, and I'm sad that she felt that disconnected. And that she believed that a higher power greater than her was outside of her. But today, my confidence comes from my ability to rely on a power greater than me.[00:09:00] 

And that's what we're gonna talk about today. Today, we are going to open up our subconscious. We're opening up our consciousness. And our subconscious to really accept and welcome what it means to rely on that higher power and living that truth in that moment so that you can care for yourself and you can stand and stand confidently in the big work.

You are all here to do. You with me? This is a confidence training. This is a training on standing in what you're here to do in whatever form that comes. And accepting it and walking out of this room, or walking out of your apartment, wherever you are in the world and saying, hell, yes, I am ready. And no longer questioning yourself, no longer questioning yourself, no longer fearing your greatness, and no longer playing small, and most [00:10:00] importantly, no longer pretending that you should be somebody that you're not.

You with me vi. No longer pretending that you should be somebody that you're not. Because the truth is, the more confident I have become, the more me I have become. And that's the first step that I'm gonna bring you through today, is that we have to really, really learn what does confidence truly mean to us?

What does it mean to be confident? And for me, what it means to be confident is that I am in my authentic truth all the time. To be able to stand in that confidence and stand in that truth. And so knowing for me, what does confidence mean to me? It means I'm breathing. It means I feel connected. It means I'm telling the truth.

It means I'm in alignment. It means that I can have an idea of what I wanna say, but I can riff wherever I wanna go, and it means that I don't care what the world tells me I am because I know I'm good enough. And I don't worry about what people [00:11:00] think of me. And if someone were to say to me, what was the key to your successes, Gabby?

My answer would be that I didn't let other people's opinions stop me. I refer to myself often as an untethered force of light. This is the way I choose to vision myself. And so my intention for this time is for all of you to leave here feeling like an untethered force of light. Yeah, let's bring that in.

An untethered force of like coming out of this room feeling like I'm free to be me. I'm free to stand in my truth. I'm free to speak up about things that bother me. I'm free to stand up for what I believe in, and I'm free to accept and receive.

This show is sponsored by Better Help. We've all done it, right? You know those moments when you're having a tough day and you suddenly find yourself unloading to your hairstylist or your Uber driver or the stranger in the [00:12:00] bathroom line, we've all done it. Or you start calling your friends for advice like a thousand times and they're just like, get over it.

Stop asking for advice. And I've been there who hasn't? And I've been going through these kinds of challenges, but I've always had. A really guided source to call. That's my therapist. I've gone through all kinds of therapy, EMDR, somatic experiencing Internal Family Systems Therapy, and it even inspired me to write my book Self-Help, because that's a therapy that I wrote about.

It is a therapy. That changed my life. IFS and and that's why I love better help being a sponsor of this show because their therapists are fully licensed in the US and follow a strict code of conduct and better help does the matching work for you. And you just do a quick questionnaire and they help you find your the right fit for you with over 30,000 therapists, and if it doesn't feel like it's the right match, you can switch anytime with no extra cost.

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I have spent years investing in my health and wellness from yoga and supplements to skincare routines, to saunas, to red light therapy. And the thing for me is it's not just about appearance, it's about energy. It's about sleep. It's about my long-term health, my health span. And after having my son nearly seven years ago, I even went through postpartum insomnia.

I went into. Perimenopause early, menopause early. I've had a lot of stuff I've had to work with and that's why I was really excited [00:14:00] to discover Fatty 15. And I'm really excited because I wanna share with you guys that the C 15 from Fatty 15 is the first essential fatty acid to be discovered in more than 90 years, and it's an incredible scientific breakthrough to support our long-term health and wellness.

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Fatty 15 is on a mission to optimize your C 15 levels to help you live healthier. Longer and you can get an additional 15% off their 90 day subscription starter kit by going to fatty fifteen.com/dear Gabby, and using code Dear Gabby, at checkout, I highly recommend you try this. It's something that has actually affected a lot of areas of my life and I'm [00:15:00] really thrilled that I have this supplement.

The other beat about confidence, I wanna make sure I don't miss for you is that, you know and believe that a power greater than you is always moving through you. And so, as I've been preparing for this day with you, I really had the opportunity to go deep into my, my spiritual practice with a lot of meditation in the morning and tapping every day.

And so when I commit in that way and I go really deep back in the universe, shows me what is up. Everywhere I go, I see 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 3, 3, 3, 4, 4, 4, 5, 5, 5, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1. And it's just showing me all these numbers and synchronicity, just reminding me that I am on the right track. I am not unaware of the guidance that is around me, and I want you all to bring that in today.

So the more you you are, the more confident you will be. Right. So years ago an interviewer said to me. Are you proud of who you've become? And I said, you [00:16:00] know, I haven't become anyone. I've just become more me. And so I want you to really start to understand who is you? Who are you, what does it? And write it down.

Just don't think, just write, what am I like when I'm in my most authentic truth? What am I like when I'm most me? Am I funny? Am I silly? Am I shy? Am I quiet? So write it down. Who am I truly? I wanna be very clear with you. Who are you? Who are you, and what does that look like and feel like to be you. The next step I have for you is don't be ashamed of your difficult times.

Okay? Oh, guys, don't be ashamed of your difficult times, as you all probably know, because I imagine you follow me on Instagram. I went through the darkest time of my life four months ago, the darkest time of my life, [00:17:00] I would've thought that becoming sober and hitting my knees with drug addiction, was it I would've thought remembering trauma, was it?

Hell, no. Nothing touched this when I went through postpartum anxiety and insomnia and depression. I went to the darkest place I have ever been to and my husband was terrified and my friends were terrified and I was gone. And I remember the day that I finally accepted my diagnosis. 'cause it took about two and a half months for me to really accept that something was wrong.

And that's mainly why I'm speaking up about this so much because I think so many women go undiagnosed because they think. I'm just a new mom and I'm just nervous, right? But I'm not sleeping ever and my baby's sleeping, or I'm OCD about cleaning, or I'm having panic attacks. No, that's not just nervous. So what happened for me was my therapist had an [00:18:00] intervention with us and said her tools are no longer working.

She needs help. We need to take this to the next level. And that day when I was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist is having postpartum anxiety, insomnia, and depression. I felt so much shame. I felt so much shame because here I am, I write self-help books and spiritual books, and I'm having this problem and I have to do things I've never done before and I feel out of control and I'm desperate, and I haven't slept.

When you don't sleep and you're baby's sleeping, it's a dark hour. So that day I sat there and I was in so much shame and I was sitting in my shame, and then my higher self said to me, get on Instagram. Because when we sit in that shame for [00:19:00] me, I couldn't sit in that shame. I had to share that shame.

Because in order for me to be a true teacher and stand in my confidence, I had to tell you the truth about what was going on. And that day I gave you some real talk. I told you exactly what was up, and I didn't let my difficult times stop me from being confident. I stood in the truth of where I was at, and I told you where I was so that I could not only heal and release my shame and the stigma around mental illness for myself and hopefully for many, many people out there, but also.

Help so many women, so many women have texted me and dmd me and reached out to me saying, I didn't know that this was my problem, and I have it too. So that's why it's actually a humongous disservice to the world if we let our shame stop us from telling the truth. So this step is about no longer allowing your shame to keep you silent.

Are you with me?[00:20:00] 

Yeah. Bring it on. We cannot allow our shame to keep us silent because in that silence, in that silence, we stay stuck. And in that silence, we are not holding the Space Brothers. But with that comes a lot of responsibility, telling that truth and being in that truth. And it's important that we have to have that element of being grateful for the difficult times because they've revealed to us what we need to heal.

The next step that I wanna bring to you is that we cannot, cannot, cannot share before we're ready. You got me. So here I was with 15, 14 years behind me of being vulnerable online, right? And so it was safe for me to do that. But if you are fresh and you're nude to telling this truth, I wouldn't recommend getting on Instagram story right away.

So know where you are at and know where it's safe. And there [00:21:00] have been times in my life where I was not safe yet enough to tell the truth. When I remembered my trauma, I remember I was a month into my recovery and I was talking to my EFT coach who was serving me so greatly, and I was like, I have to help women.

I have to let them know that they have dissociated. I have to share my story with people so that they can have their healing too. And she looks at me, she goes, slow down. You are not ready to share this yet. You are not ready to share this yet. And so I made a commitment to myself that I wasn't gonna speak about this for a while.

And then the first talk that I gave two months after remembering my trauma, I was terrified. I was so vulnerable. I was like this broken person. I was still having to show up. And sometimes you're gonna have to show up broken, and you have to decide what am I willing to share so that I don't fall apart?

Right. And interestingly, I just said, okay, God, I'm not gonna let this [00:22:00] out, but you show me what to do. And a young woman got up and she started sharing at the end of the talk about her trauma. And in that moment it was like a lightning bolt. Tell her your truth, make sure she knows she's not alone. And I said, listen, sister, it's one in three, including me.

And I gave her that moment to really accept what was. The truth, which she is not alone. But I didn't have to say anymore. You with me? So you can tell your truth without telling too much, and I want you to really be careful about that. I want you to know that when you tell your truth, sometimes it can be dangerous.

So know what is appropriate to share. Know that certain things you might say might trigger people and know that if you are triggering people, your confidence is out the window. You with me on that? Because you can feel the room get triggered and then you're like, oh no. Okay. Wherever you are in whatever form, even in the [00:23:00] books that you write, know that there's sometimes too much information.

And when I do the talks with the level twos and they get up and they give their talk, they often wanna tell their story in every detail. I train them to, to teach it in a way where they can say, and then the closet door shut. But that's enough. That's it. That we know what you're talking about. Done. Done.

Because you don't want to trigger people in your truth. You with me? So I have to balance this by saying yes, tell the truth, be you. Be in the truth of who you are. Don't be ashamed to share, but also be conscious of the person watching. So when you express that truth, do it in a way that is going to be safe and secure for all those who are around.

Okay. You with me? Good. Beautiful. Very nice. All right. Your story doesn't have to be painful to be powerful. This is a big one. [00:24:00] Okay. This is a really, really big one. A lot of my masterclass alumni have come to me and said, you know, I don't think I've been through enough to be the teacher. And I'm like.

I'm so happy for you.

And the thing that you all have to realize is that your students meet you where you are, and there's all kinds of people who need support and help. Not just people who are addicted or traumatized or having depression. People who are doing well in life, but they think that things could be better. They think that could it be better?

And so many of you in this room have been privileged to have great lives and have so many good things happening for you. But of course, we all have moments in our life that are pinnacle and don't deny those moments as transformational, even if they weren't massively traumatic, right? Like be grateful that you didn't have to go so deep and hit such a hard bottom to come back.

But tell the story of where you are and trust that when you tell the [00:25:00] story of where you are, that the people that need you will come to you. You with me on that? Has anyone seen that kind of happen in their world when they started to just tell the truth? Yeah. Nice, nice, nice. They'll meet you where you are.

'cause they'll recognize themselves in you. Good. Good. All right. And, and just remember, it is safe to be vulnerable. It's safe to be vulnerable, but only when you're ready. Only when you're ready know the feeling. I want you to know the feeling between what it means to be an authentic alignment. And when you're not.

I want you to take a moment to just write down a few different examples of what it's like when you're in alignment, when you feel confident, and the moments when you don't, and you can be specific. Like, when I get on stage, I feel like I lose all my confidence. Or when I'm in a dinner party with my best friends, I'm the most confident me.

So know the difference. And then I want you to write about not just the moments, but what does it feel like? So when I'm with my girls, I feel [00:26:00] free. I feel fun, and when I'm on that stage, I feel terrified. My body clinches and describe what happens in your body. I want you to really know the difference between what it feels like to be in confidence and out of confidence.

I'm asking you to do this because what we're gonna do is have a greater level of awareness of what that means, a greater level of awareness. I wanna hear from you. What does it feel like to be in confidence? What does it feel like to be out of your confidence? Just share with me and tell me your name.

I'm Alexa. What just came through for me is when I'm standing in my confidence, my authenticity, I look people in the eye. Yeah. And when I'm not, I feel like I'm gonna look really crappy on camera and someone's gonna take a crappy picture of me and I'm gonna look fat and gross and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But when I'm standing in my confidence, I feel other people feeling my glove. I heard somebody in the front go, ah. So what you just shared I think really resonated with people in the room. Thank, I feel very, very [00:27:00] confident right now, Alexa. Right? I do too. And that's weird for me. Feel it. Feel it. Feel it.

What does it feel like right now? I feel centered. You seem to be, I feel like I'm resonating from like the center of my being and I feel like. I'm so supportive, like I feel like hugged right now by the energy in the room. You are. Can everybody feel the truth in her voice? Alexa, I'm so proud of you. I want to know.

You are so magnificent. This is just, I feel you in your truth. I want you to take this feeling with you wherever you go, and I want you to witness when you are not. In that place. Now that you know, because I'm not looking anyone in the eye. And what I would like you to do is walk away if you can. If you can't, take a deep breath.

Put your hand on your belly, [00:28:00] feel your breath, feel your diaphragm. Get back in, say a prayer silently. Do whatever you can to find your way back. So the question is how can we trust whether it's intuition or if it's fear? Everyone's like, oh, because that's everybody's question. It's such a good one. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you're stuck in fear, you are making decisions quickly. You're obsessing over an issue. You are feeling anxious. You are judging yourself or the situation you are trying to play. God. When you're aligned with your intuition, you're allowing. And you are accepting support and you're surrendered, even if things haven't worked out yet, how in a age of social media and the age of needing approval do we actually let go of that fear [00:29:00] of not getting positive feedback?

Th this is the most important question. Yeah, because Ev who in this room is struggling with this? Let's talk about it. Right? It's an epidemic, babe. One of my intentions for you guys being here is that you'll walk away and you won't need that feedback anymore. Mm-hmm. That you'll be fine even if you don't have it.

What I've come to accept fully is that when you stop looking, people start looking. It's truly about just no longer caring. And I know that sounds, oh, okay. That's, that sounds simple. Yeah. Just really recognizing that the need to be seen is a root cause condition. Yep. Because that need to be seen is a, a feeling of being unlovable.

Yeah. The work isn't necessarily about how can I make sure that my voice is seen? The work is about how can I heal the feeling of being unlovable. Mm-hmm. Right. Oh yeah. So that's your homework.[00:30:00] 

Take a deep breath, close your eyes. Let's get centered.

We thank all of the guidance of the highest truth and compassion for entering into this space today and joining us on the internet throughout the world, we trust and we know that everything that is happening is exactly as it needs to be. We trust that our voices will be heard, and if they're not, that we are meant to listen.

We trust that we are being led, we are being guided, and we are being prepared to open up and have an awakening that we have not had yet so that we can do the big work that we are here to do in the world. So that most importantly we can feel free and take that in and say to yourself, silently, I'm ready to feel free now.

Whisper it to yourself. I'm ready to now say it out loud. I am ready to feel free. Now let's say it a little bit louder. I am ready to feel [00:31:00] free. Take that in. Take a deep breath in and release.
Have money ready. Open your eyes.

I've always been really intentional about what I put into my body, and I was actually raised homeopathic, and even today, I'm on a mindful path about my no sugar, no alcohol. I don't eat gluten, dairy. I'm really clean here. But even with years of wellness practices and supplements and doing all the right things, there's still times that I've wondered, am I really giving my body what it needs?

And that's why I love Faye Nutrition. Faye matches you one-on-one with the dedicated dietician who will help you understand your body's unique needs. And what I like about this is you can take out all the things, but you may not be putting in all the right things. And this is the best part. All dieticians on Faye take insurance.

So 95% of people pay $0 for their [00:32:00] sessions. $0 and dieticians on Fay specialize in over 30 areas, including weight loss, sports, nutrition, women's health, gut health, eating disorders, and even more. And they're already helping over a hundred thousand people improve their lives. So listeners of Dear Gabby can qualify to see a registered dietician for as little as $0 by visiting faye nutrition.com/gabby.

That's faye nutrition.com/gabby. Listeners of Dear Gabby can qualify to see a registered dietician. For as little as $0 by visiting Faye nutrition.com/gabby and one last time. That is fay nutrition FA y.com. Faye nutrition.com/gabby. And make sure you use the UR L so they know I sent you. These days when I feel I've got my brain juggling a million tabs at once, I have to really get centered, right?

Because I've been writing and I've been on stage and I'm managing everyday life and I'm doing my podcast, and sometimes that brain fog is so severe and that's why [00:33:00] I am reaching for some of the best. Right now, which is nature, sunshine, brain edge, nature, sunshine, brain edge combines hand harvested yerba mate with powerful nootropics and supports focus, memory, cognitive performance without that crash.

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Before we wrap, I want to ground this in science. Confidence isn't just a mood, it's a trainable skill. So I asked psychiatrist, Sue Varner, author of [00:36:00] Practical Optimism and the Art of Science and Practice of Exceptional Wellbeing. I asked her for the simplest way to build confidence, and here is our conversation.

In this book, there's lots of practices and tools, and I really would love to hear from you, what do you think are the most impactful things that one can do to heighten the skill of optimism? Yes. Oh my God. Well, so first of all, there are eight pillars, right? So, you know, it starts out with having a purpose in life and having intention.

And that purpose could be. What is my big capital P of like, what do I wanna achieve in life? Or it could be in a day. And a lot of times I say, put the cart before the horse where people may say, I'm waiting for inspiration, I'm waiting for motivation. And I hate that because I can guarantee you that once you start doing an activity, motivation will follow.

Success begets more success. Purpose begets more purpose. And if you can't find anything within you, go for exercise, go for a walk that day and exercise has been shown to boost your purpose. Totally. And people who exercise have more purpose in life, and people have more purpose, exercise more, and volunteering, altruism, it doesn't have to be like, oh, I'm going to a [00:37:00] soup kitchen, which is great, going to a shelter, whatever it might be.

But there are so many ways to have random acts of kindness. So you can look at these eight pillars, like if you wanna achieve a goal, it starts with purpose, being intentional, having clarity about what you want, and I give people a whole bunch of exercises to tap into what is it that you wanna do and how do you get there?

The eighth pillar is about practicing healthy habits, but really it's about goal setting and achieving, like executing, putting a plan into action. So purpose is the plan, the vision, and the last pillar is you're executing it and then all the pillars in between teach you how to get there. Hmm. So in processing emotions, like anytime, let's say you started out with a task, like, I want to, you know, get a certain degree, I want to go back to get an MBAA law degree, whatever it might be.

Or it could be small. I wanna learn Spanish. So the purpose is why, like what's the why For me, like I love, you know, I learned Spanish and, but use it in my first job when I was working at NYU in Bellevue, I was a. Medical director of the nine 11 program. We had a lot of first responders that I was working with.

We had a lot of people who were in cleanup and rescue recovery and they didn't speak English. And so I got to [00:38:00] use it. But every time I go to a new place, to be able to speak in another language, to be accepted by people, to be able to fit in, to feel a sense of belonging in Spanish speaking countries or even the United States, it fills me.

So that would be the why. And then processing emotions, there're always gonna be challenges. And so this step, there are four things. If you take nothing else. An easy homework assignment when you're feeling stressed out, let's say it's like, oh my God, yes, I wanna go to law school, but I have three kids at home and I'm a single mom.

How the hell am I ever gonna do this? Life sucks. My partner left me, he cheated. You know, like you can blame, but take responsibility by number one. I call it, name it, claim it, tame it, and reframe it. Oh. Name it, claim it, tame it, and reframe it. Yes. Okay, so name it is like, name the antecedent, like, okay, today my car broke down.

Right. So what is stressing you out? If that's what happened to you today, you're naming the antecedent and we know that people who are more granular about what's upsetting them, they're more likely to fix the problem. Like it's just very practical in that way. Mm-hmm. [00:39:00] We know that when a lot of times, like I have been at the bedside of someone who tried to end their life, and they may say, I don't know why I felt this way.

We know that that's not as good a prognosis compared to someone who says, look, we don't want anyone to feel that hopeless. But if you're able to point a trigger, then we say, okay, it was a breakup, it was a loss. All right, then we can actually go back and help you regulate your emotions around loss. So being able to name an antecedent makes a person feel like they have more agency in life.

Call it by its name. Yeah, exactly. And then claim it. Where in the body are you feeling it? Where's the tension? Because all of us are holding our tension someplace. And so if you're getting unexplained medical symptoms in the form of headaches, insomnia, palpitations, a lot of people end up at five different emergency rooms slash cardiology appointments before they end up to a psychiatrist because they're.

Physically manifesting. And I always say the body expresses what the mind cannot. Totally. And so where in the body are you feeling it? Where do you hold your tension? Where do you have your unexplained medical symptoms that no one can get to the root of? So claim that [00:40:00] tame it. This is so interesting because the list is long.

How do you. Self-soothe. And a lot of us look externally to self-soothe. We're looking for food, for sex, for substances, healthy distraction. Sure. But being able to soothe your emotions in the form of two 10 minute episodes of journaling a week. And to me, there's so much science behind journaling and it's one of the few untapped resources that are free, easy, accessible notes on your phone, little journal in your bag.

Um, it could be mindfulness breathing. I got this as a gift. This is like a breathing necklace that you can. Breathe into the count of five and then exhale very slowly. It's meant to delay the exhale 'cause we're so shallow, such shallow breathers, but you don't need a necklace to do that. And then reframing is the last step, and this is the most powerful, is to be able to look at a certain situation from a different lens.

And here's the thing. We're not always gonna be able to find a silver lining 'cause that's the reality. Some things are just pure, a hundred percent bad. Then you ask [00:41:00] yourself this negative thought that I'm holding onto, what's the utility in it? What's the cost benefit? Right? What would I tell a friend?

How am I gonna feel about this situation five years from now? Finally, ask yourself, is this a problem to be solved or a truth to be accepted? Right? Because not everything is gonna have an answer. And I think one thing that I really struggled with, so I was born and raised in the United States, but my family is from India.

And my Eastern upbringing was all about acceptance of intolerance, of difficult situations. Hmm. But the Western upbringing, born and raised in the United States is go, go, go. You know, if you believe you can achieve. And I believe that that's very much true. Sometimes, no matter how much you believe, and no matter how much you try, you can't achieve or the outcome, if you're in love with someone who's not in love with you, what are you gonna do?

So that's where the acceptance comes in. Okay. And that's hard. That's, that's really hard for me. But that's, that is a tool, believe it or not, acceptance. We in the west connotate it with resignation, with defeat. Yes. With surrender. But surrender is powerful. It's, it's, yeah. Surrender. [00:42:00] I always say surrender isn't giving up.

It's giving over. I love that. Yeah. And for me, it's giving over to our intuition, our inner guidance, a higher power. It's saying, let's reorganize this now. Yes. I think being on a spiritual path makes one an optimist. Mm-hmm. When you have a faith and a higher power. Mm-hmm. When you trust in spiritual guidance, when you heighten your intuition, when you start to develop a connection to an energy beyond your physical site.

Mm-hmm. It's much harder to be pessimistic. Yes. Because you trust the guidance that you're receiving. Thank you for saying that. You know Gabby? 'cause there is so much evidence about people who have a spirituality practice that they live longer or even just a religious faith. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And we don't talk about it enough these days.

Yeah. But we know that they're from head to toe the same way. Just the same way that optimism has benefits. Yeah. Because you know what it is the common denominator between optimist and spiritual. Beings are we all, and we all [00:43:00] are because we do have a spirit, right? Do we connect with something outside ourselves?

It could be universe, it could be nature, it could be anything. But the idea is that you believe that things can be better. Yeah. Having, I, I think there was a study that I read in the Anxious Generation, which is I would love every mother and father to read. I'm very behind his work. Jonathan Het. Mm-hmm. He was talking about how.

All this huge epidemic in depression and cutting and self-harm and in teenagers and college students and kids even these days given the technology. But there was studies showing that children who had faith yes, had lower levels of, of that extreme. That's so fast. Anxiety and depression. Yeah. Yeah.

Because it gives you like an organizing structure. Like things make sense and you feel like there's a benevolent force that's looking out for you and that you had to talk about. The universe has your back like it very much. You feel protected, you feel safe. You feel that somebody is out to help you, not out to get you.

You feel less of a victim. Yes. And less alone. And I feel like all the things that we're [00:44:00] contending with right now, and especially younger folks. The self absorption that the world's like revolves around me and it's not their fault, right? Like we've set things up, consumerism, materialism, and in a way, talking about our emotions is important, right?

But not to the point where there's this idea of being self-referential. If it's, if the only thing you're thinking about is yourself and your emotions. I know that might sound contradictory 'cause I'm telling you to label your emotions and to sit with them and to accept them and create space but not dwell and there's a difference.

Totally. And the rumination is a slippery slope to depression, to pessimism. And in fact, when someone who might have recovered from an episode of depression, one of the first signs that we know that they're going into another depressive episode is that pessimistic thinking. So all of a sudden, if the person that you know and love that has a history of depression.

Let's say maybe they're in therapy and they're in treatment, but all of a sudden they start dwelling on and beating themselves up. Shame, rumination. Pessimism. That's like a sign and, and a slippery slope to depression. Yeah, I can see that for sure as a very clear sign. The other thing for me, I think is just.

[00:45:00] Recognizing that it is a muscle mm-hmm. That we sometimes have to proactively exercise. Yes. And undo, I, I'm visualizing myself right now, like reeling in the fish, you know, like undoing the story. And so for myself, I have a practice that I like to talk about, which is like the comeback rate. Mm-hmm. And to really just witness myself without any judgment and say, oh, there I am, I'm in judgment, or I'm an attack, or I'm in pessimism.

And name it like you said. And then of course, yes. Claim it like fe feeling into what that feels like. And for me it's really just about being that non-judgmental witness. Mm-hmm. And then choosing to see it in that moment through a different lens. Mm-hmm. And that sort of unwinding of witnessing and I, it's actually a practice I call the choose again method, witnessing the fear and the pessimism and calling it by its name.

Mm-hmm. And then, and feeling it and then forgiving yourself for it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because pessimism can beget more pessimism, as you said earlier. Yes. So. If we [00:46:00] are in that storyline and then witnessing it, then we can go further and deeper into it. If we don't. Witness it with compassion. Yes. And you hit on a really important point, and that is one of the eight pillars actually is self-compassion.

And it's called pride in the book. And pride. When we think of this sort of egoistic, that's what the word is usually comes to mind of arrogance, but it's actually an intrinsic sense of self-worth. And this quick self-compassion exercise is exactly what you said is where you are witnessing it, you're observing it, you're observing yourself.

You made a mistake, I screwed up. But the shame and the blame leads to the depression instead. This idea of common humanity. Am I the only one who's ever experienced this? Am I the only one that's ever messed up? Who else has this happened to? Mm-hmm. And I like to then look at someone that I really admire and be like, could this happen to them?

How would they deal with it? Right. Hmm. And a lot of the people that I look up to are people that are able to regulate themselves emotionally, that don't beat themselves up, that are human, that talk about their flaws. And I love self-deprecating [00:47:00] humor within reason because it just says like. I don't have anything to hide, and I feel like I connect with those people so quickly because there isn't that ego and there isn't that wall that they've put up.

Yeah, and you know the other thing that you said, Gabby, when you, you said choose again. I love that because you did something with your hand and it made me think of. This example that I use with my clients of when you go to an airport baggage carousel to pick up your baggages. Once you've landed on a trip, you notice a lot of people's baggages and you say, oh, that's interesting.

This one is nice. This one is torn, this one is ugly. What the hell were they thinking? Time to get a new bag. I would never be caught dead seeing it. All sorts of thoughts come to your mind, but do you ever actually walk away with that person's baggage? No. Right. You let it go, you see it, you, you name it.

You're aware of what's happening, but you don't claim it. You don't take it home. So just the way, if we can have mindful observation and detachment and some objectivity and neutrality from our thoughts, they exist, but they're not necessarily facts. Wow, my friends [00:48:00] listening back to that talk and then hearing Sue's tools, I'm reminded that confidence isn't about titles, feedback, or approval.

It's about knowing who you are and standing firmly in that truth and then practicing it one small choice at a time. And I wanna bring us back to the card we pulled at the start. Owning my power inspires others to do the same. I'm not afraid to shine. Let that be your practice this week. Carry that affirmation into the moments when you feel small or tempted to play it safe or shine or dim your light.

I want you to ask yourself, how can I own my power right now? Where can I let myself shine a little brighter? Confidence that you start to acquire is contagious. And when you stand tall in that truth of your own confidence, you're actually giving other people permission to do it as well. And if you want more daily guidance like this, I am gonna encourage you to go check out the Gabby coaching app because there's hundreds of meditations workshops, challenges the manifesting [00:49:00] challenges coming soon.

Trust the universe. Challenge is in there. And then a earth shattering, life changing edition is gonna be in there in a month. I can't talk about it yet, but head over to dear g.com/app to get in there and get psyched for what's coming. I love you. Have a beautiful day.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you're truly committed to miracles. I'm really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience at this show means a lot to me, so I really wanna welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media at Gabby Bernstein.

And if you wanna get in on the action, sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby, live@deargabby.com. See you next week. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. [00:50:00] Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.

Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I'm not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.