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why creating boundaries improves your relationships     

No doubt you’ve heard the phrase “setting boundaries,” but you might not know exactly what that means. It’s not about drawing physical lines in the sand to separate you from others; these boundaries are energetic (or emotional) lines. And often, their purpose is to preserve the relationships you have.   

Personal boundaries help create clear guidelines for how we’d like to be treated, and they let others know what is and isn’t acceptable.

relationships actually work better when we know what the boundaries are

But if you’re a “yes” person who worries about letting others down, creating boundaries can be challenging. And the need to be there for everyone, all the time, likely goes way back.  

how we learn to put ourselves last 

From childhood, many of us are taught to ignore our own needs and desires to make other people around us feel comfortable. No wonder it can feel awkward, even wrong, to set boundaries as adults!

The truth is, creating boundaries is a healthy display of self-respect—and in most cases, you’ll gain respect for putting them in place … even from the person you’re drawing the line with. 

My first caller, Gail, left a mind-controlling religion a few years ago. This affected her family cohesion and created conflict—and now she feels like an outsider. 

She shared that her daughter-in-law is organizing a family dinner and she feels like she must attend, even though she knows being there will make her uncomfortable now that she and her family have such vastly different belief systems. 

Gail wants to be liked—nothing wrong with that. But I explained that there comes a point when the desire to please is too self-sacrificing and potentially harmful. 

That’s when creating boundaries becomes non-negotiable.

Drawing the line with people who don’t make you feel supported is in the service of both you and them. How so? When you override your needs, your emotional health takes a hit and everybody will feel that. In other words, what’s best for your inner system is also what’s best for everyone around you. 

That said, I know it’s not easy to do. So I want to offer this advice.

4 ways to set healthy boundaries

Step 1

make a list of non-negotiables

Non-negotiables are deeply held beliefs that are so important to you that you refuse to compromise them. You can only set boundaries when you get clear on what you want—without self-judgment or influence from others. Put aside some time to write a list of your uncompromising values, then decide what’s non-negotiable about each of them. 

Step 2

put your needs first

I’m going to say something you need to hear: You are important and you deserve to be treated well. Period. Creating boundaries doesn’t make you selfish. It is actually a courageous act of love and self-awareness. 

Step 3

hold your boundary with love

The best time to discuss boundaries in a relationship is when you and the other person feel relaxed and can focus on the conversation. Remember, this chat is intended to build a bridge, not burn one down. 

Be clear, honest and compassionate, but speak your truth. Another option: If you’re fairly certain the other person won’t hear or respect your need to set some limits, you can simply not have the discussion and draw the boundaries anyway. I’m all for radical self-care. 

Step 4

find your community

Creating boundaries can often enhance or save a relationship. However, sometimes distance is inevitable. 

My second caller, Ashley, was in an abusive long-term situation. She found the courage to leave that relationship, set boundaries, get therapy and cultivate an entirely new mindset. 

Ashley is such a profound speaker, and a wonderful example of how liberating boundaries can be. She manifested getting onto the show today, and then brilliantly Dear Gabby’ed her fellow caller, Gail, with powerful guidance. 

I’m living for this kind of serendipitous caller connection! I know you’ll be equally inspired when you listen to this episode. 

in this episode I’ll share …

  • Why creating healthy boundaries will build self-esteem
  • The reasons many of us lack boundaries 
  • How to take actionable steps to honor your needs
  • When a boundary becomes a non-negotiable
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I honor how I want to feel.

When you make a conscious commitment to protect yourself from people who siphon your energy, you create the space needed for more positive, uplifting relationships to enter your life. So raise your awareness of how people’s energy affects how you feel, and honor that by setting boundaries. Don’t forget the power your energy has on others and be mindful of the imprints you leave.

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  • For more advice on how to stand up (and speak up!) for yourself, check out this video:
disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #158 Aug 21, 2023 relationships

4 ways to improve every single relationship in your life

Listen on:

The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

GABBY: Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I'm not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

If you're a regular listener of this show, you know that for the most part, I'm pretty chill and believe it or not, that's true even when it comes to my parenting style. I'm that mom who can stay calm even during a four-year-old meltdown. Seriously.

And I know that's kind of a brag, but it's something that I'm proud of and you might be wondering, Okay, Gabby, really, how do you stay calm when your kid's freaking melting down?

Well, well, number one, I know I can trust the universe when the sh*t hits the fan. That's period. And number two, I lean heavily on my meditation practice. I've been meditating daily for 17 and a half years. Yep, that's right. I've never skipped a day of meditation. I just haven't.

And it is this practice that has helped me navigate the most stressful situations in my life. And it's also given me the ability to really lower my anxiety level. So whether you already have a meditation practice or if you've never tried it before, I want to help you cultivate that same sense of inner peace.

And it comes with practice and it comes with commitment. And that's why I'm giving you my most impactful guided meditation for anxiety relief. And it's totally free. It's yours. It's a gift from me. People, it's free. So take advantage of this today. This also happens to be one of my favorite meditations, so I'm really excited to share it with you.

You can download my free meditation for anxiety relief at DearGabby.com/anxiety. I promise you that this practice is gonna really help you begin your journey toward profound inner peace. It will give you a tool for self-soothing in moments of anxiety and stress. And I just want you to use it so that you can really create that beneficial inner state of peace that can be very sustainable when you practice and you show up and you give yourself that permission to turn inward.

That's DearGabby.com/anxiety.

Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I'm your host Gabby Bernstein, and if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you're ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let's get started.

GABBY: Welcome back to Dear Gabby, my friends. Welcome back. Most of the time on this show, I do a regular recording. I come in with a topic. I welcome in guests to ask me questions, whatever the questions may be related to that topic. But sometimes I like to go rogue and I do wild things in the studio. And I did a more free-flowing episode that I've now coined, your “choose your own adventure episode.”

And I like to just see what comes through. So I let the people that are asking the questions dictate what the direction of the episode is going to go in. Wow. So it's fun. The theme for today's show just emerged and it was all about boundaries. And now we all know that creating boundaries is kind of stressful and it can be a little bit scary at times, very overwhelming to some people.

But listen up, I'm here to tell you that it just doesn't have to be that way. Boundaries are actually really healthy, but you have to believe that in order to lean into them. And in this episode, I share with you four steps to helping you set healthy limits and boundaries for yourself.

So, if you're a yes person, like so many of my listeners, and I know you are out there, listen to me. You might want to jot some notes down. You might want to come back to this episode. You might want to share it with your yes friends, the friends that are the yesers. This is an episode that will give you a lot of empowerment and strength. in creating limits, creating boundaries, creating space for you.

And this is an extremely important message that I hope you take seriously because it's going to affect every relationship in your life and your overall well being. So enjoy the show, my friends. Get into it.

GABBY: Let's do a choose your own adventure show right now. Let's see what happens. What's going to come through today on Dear Gabby. Bring it in my friends. Hi Gail.

GAIL: Hi. Oh God, I can't believe I'm on.

GABBY: Hi honey. How are you?

GAIL: Hi. All right.

GABBY: How can I help you?

GAIL: I feel stuck at the moment. I've read a lot of your books and I've got a big family meal next at the weekend and I get very anxious about it and I had a lot of abuse as a kid and I've left a mind-controlling religion three or four years ago, and I'm looking at my own spirituality now.

My family is still in that religion. So my views and their views are very different, and it's a lot of, a lot of conflict.

GABBY: And you have a meet up with them next weekend?

GAIL: Oh, it's Saturday.

GABBY: Do you have to go?

GAIL: Uh, yeah, my daughter in law's organized a dinner. So I do feel I need to go. I think it's a hurdle that I have to keep trying.

GABBY: Well, that's what I'm wondering if you have trauma from your past with your family.

GAIL: Yeah.

GABBY: And the religious choices and you have a different belief system.

GAIL: Yeah.

GABBY: Do you still have to keep showing up for it?

GAIL: I don't go to any of the churches and I've probably only seen my family once or twice a year. So it is quite a—

GABBY: What would it mean to you to say to your daughter in law. I'd really like to have dinner with you and whoever else feels safe to you, but I think I need to keep a boundary and maybe not go to this one.

GAIL: I have thought about that I think I worry about people's opinions too much.

GABBY: There you go.

GAIL: And I'm, you know, I've always been that way.

And I'm just beginning to think about myself, but it's always, I've always. Worried about what people think of me and yeah, I'm and trust. I don't have a lot of trust in people I don't think, to be honest.

GABBY: Yeah. Do you have children?

GAIL: Yeah, they've all grown up now

GABBY: Okay.

GAIL: My daughter left the same religion as I did at the same time.

My son is still in the religion, my mum is still in the religion and my sister. I left and I really I think about all the time that I was there over 50 years and it's a long time. I lost a community as well, a whole community of people, so I'm just trying to make new friends and...starting from scratch again.

GABBY: Yeah. No, I hear you. And this is the thing that happens. It happens quite a bit. I'm wondering if we can make this conversation about how to create healthy boundaries with family that feel safe for you right now. Because there's a young part of you that feels really really beholden to them, to this religion to the family.

There's a young part of you that… And I don't want to speak for that young part of you. I just can only imagine that, you said it in your own words. You said that I want to make sure that I'm good for everybody else, right? That I'm, that I'm lovable. And so I can imagine how scary it is to think about not showing up, what that would mean.

But I want to give you a really important message today. Sometimes no is the most loving response; creating boundaries with people who do not make us feel safe is in the service of you and them. Because no matter how hard you try to show up and have things feel good, they won't. And everyone feels that.

When you override yourself for others, you're really setting yourself up for a lot of discomfort. And I see that you can really feel that right now, right? I see you feeling that right now.

GAIL: Yeah. I get triggered quite a lot. And even the thought I, we was even thinking of staying up there, going in a hotel so that we don't have to go in the car and ride up there with them.

And it's all I'm trying to. It's like tactics. I'm trying to.

GABBY: Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Let me just ask you some questions. Do you mind if I get a little bit curious about the feelings of the fear that are coming up for you? Is it okay if I ask you some questions about it? Cause I don't want to go too deep into it, but I want to just, when you think about going there and staying over, where do you feel that in your body?

GAIL: Here.

GABBY: Your chest.

GAIL: Yeah. Chest and throat.

GABBY: And anything that you want to let me know about that feeling or that part of you that's coming up that feels activated.

GAIL: I feel I wanna say stuff and I feel that if I say it, I'm gonna upset everybody, but then I'm not very good with words. I always think of words after the event.

I should have said this and I should have said that.

GABBY: Would it be okay if I extended some compassion and inquiry to this part of you, this younger part of you that's talking right now? What do you need? What do you feel like you need right now?

GAIL: I need, I'm trying to set myself up with a new community of people because I lost.

GABBY: You need community. You want connection. Yeah. Beautiful.

GAIL I found a spiritual awareness group where I live, which I'm planned to go to very first time on Sunday where it's just a group of people meet. So I'm hoping that will.

GABBY: I want to just acknowledge this now. Let's just take a moment here. So, you feel the lack of community, you want to create community, and you've gone out and you've sought after community, and also just right here, right now, you're here in the Dear Gabby community, you're, you're watching with a group of people, you're joining in in a conversation with a group of people who have like-minded thoughts, you're creating community for yourself, my love, and I want you to celebrate that.

And so there's a lot of topics in this one conversation, which I really want to acknowledge, which is that one, you can give yourself now what you were lacking when you were young. You can seek that community. You can seek that connection. You can be safe. You can stay safe.

GAIL: And when I say that word, safe. It makes me feel, make it very emotional.

GABBY: Yeah. So right now, one thing that you could do to help that fearful feeling inside feel more safe is to define some boundaries that would feel safe for you. And I'm going to give you permission to be unapologetic about that if that feels good. Remember it's what's best for your inner system is going to be best for everyone.

Give yourself permission to create boundaries with people who feel and are unsafe. Period.

GAIL: Yeah.

GABBY: Okay. My love go back and listen to some of our IFS internal family systems therapy episodes. That might be really valuable for you. Okay? And an IFS therapist could be really, really beneficial for you.

Okay?

GAIL: Yeah.

GABBY: We'll put in the show notes the link to those resources.

GAIL: Okay. Thank you.

GABBY: Thank you, my love.

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GABBY: Let's take another one. Let's see what happens.

CALLER: Hi. I cannot believe I'm on. Oh. I cannot believe I'm on.

GABBY: Welcome, girlfriend.

CALLER: Oh, my gosh. So I have been working so hard on myself for the last two and a half years and have never done that in my life for you. I've always been under somebody helping somebody else.

And I found you about seven months ago and you are I feel like I know you. I feel like I'm your best friend.

GABBY: Yes!

CALLER: I feel like I want to have girls night.

GABBY: Yes!

CALLER: I bought the cards, the Spirit Junkie, The Universe Has Your Back. I flip them every day. Like you have honestly helped change my entire thought process.

And I just thank you so, so much. I just thank you for who you are. And the caller before, I hope she's still on because I similarly went through, I had an abusive marriage that I stayed way too long for 28 years. And it was also wrapped up with religion and she can get through it and she can draw boundaries.

I had to do that. And it just, it's amazing how you feel when you draw your own boundary.

GABBY: What was it for you that really worked when you created that boundary?

CALLER: Well, the first thing I, I finally got the courage to leave that relationship and it was like a, I won't go into detail, but it was a whole horrific in the middle of the night restraining order thing, but it was me actually seeking counseling and I'm not sure what religion she was talking about, but many religions.

We didn't do like secular therapy. Like that was wrong. You just prayed or went to talk to your minister, preacher, whatever it was. And that's how you got help. And for me, when I left, and I decided I'm going to try this therapy that's supposedly so horrible and so bad. And it was like I was cut open and all just all the garbage just was leaking out.

And it took years of just really allowing myself to be sliced open and then sewn back up. And like I said, have a new mindset and a new way of thinking.

GABBY: You're a motivational speaker, my love. You are so profound and such a gorgeous testament to what recovery and boundaries look like.

CALLER: I cannot believe you just said that.

So I have been, well, I'm a teacher. So I'm a teacher of the little ones, first grade.

GABBY: Lucky guys, lucky kiddos. Yes.

CALLER: I love those kids. Oh my gosh, they love me. I'm their school mama. I tell them that. I'm their school mama. But I also just, with the abusive marriage, and I also lost a daughter from SIDS when she was three and a half months old.

I recently lost my dad and that was kind of my only male figure of that was a loving person. So I kind of have a lot of different stories and I've always journaled and blogged, but I've recently just started doing things. I got this from you, how you said like for five years you did things for free. So I was like, yeah, I'm like, that's me.

Like I will share my story. So I put out a blog and just started some things I write, some things I voice. You know, just record it and then I'll have people just like, Oh my gosh, I've gone through that. Oh my gosh. Can I talk to you? And I'm just doing it. Like I said, I'm just putting it out there knowing that the universe is gonna, you know, bless me back.

And it, it is in the last month. Well, first, my word for this year was adventure. Yeah, because little things like I've never taken a trip by myself. It was always with family or husband and I hopped a train from North Carolina and I hopped a train from North Carolina to New York because I've stepped out of my comfort zone.

Yeah, I've just learned just so much from you and the Driftwood and like that I used to look at people and be so envious and now I heard it was one of your podcasts that you were like, look at that as like a Driftwood if you see a cute couple, look at that as that will be me and it's funny about Wolf. His voice was so calming and so he just sounded like this strong man.

But also so gentle. And that's that. And that was Driftwood for me. I was like, that, that boy, that, you know, not, not, not particularly him, but I'm just saying.

GABBY: Yeah. No, it's a sign for you that that's possible.

CALLER: Yes. And I was like that, he's coming, like he's coming. And so just everything. But like, I, I would just especially want to just say to her, getting a new group of friends.

Or, you know, cutting off family members and you don't have to do it in an ugly, hard way. You can just say, you know, I'm not comfortable with that.

GABBY: Yeah.

CALLER: My past, you know, I'm still, and, and kind of even just take it on yourself. You know, I'm not comfortable yet. You know.

GABBY: Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Or this doesn’t feel safe for me right now.

Yeah. Let's give the, let's give her some advice now. First of all, thank you for being, uh, the Dear Gabby today. You are Dear Gabby’ing with me. I just find you extraordinary and such a power of example for everyone listening. And I'm moved deeply by you. I want to acknowledge a lot of what you said.

First we have to have the bravery and the courage to step away from the pattern. Sometimes that happens when we hit a bottom. Sometimes we just have the grace of God come through. Sometimes we're pulled out of it, whatever that may be, but having the courage to change, get ourselves out of the unhealthy relationships that require boundaries.

And then once we've gotten out, how do we maintain and sustain those boundaries? And oftentimes when we're in family relationships, they can be very codependent or marriages. They can be very, very manipulative. And so, we can decide for ourselves what's non-negotiable.

So if you decide being in the presence of that person is a non-negotiable thing for me, that I'm going to hold that and own that.

And I can be very loving and forgiving. in the time and the order that is appropriate for whoever you may be and whatever you may be going through. You can be loving, you can be open, but how are you going to hold that boundary with love? And so, really being able to sit in the seat of that boundary with love and compassion, say, I'm praying for you, I'm sending you love, and it is not right for me to be in your life in this way.

CALLER: Right. And it, and it can be a, you know, it might be a season,

GABBY: Might be a season. It might be a lifetime and it doesn't matter.

CALLER: That's right. It doesn't matter.

GABBY: Just because these people were planted in your life, whether you signed a contract and put a ring on it or you were born into their family does not mean that you have to stick around if it's not right, safe or healthy for you.

And that's really scary when it's family stuff. And it's really scary when there's abuse involved because there's a belief system that says, I have to stick around. I have to be there for them. I have to show up for them.

And so, today's episode can really be a beautiful, gentle reminder that we can have our own inner non-negotiables for our safety, for our wellbeing, and that we don't have to be in the presence of people who do not create safety in our life.

CALLER: Yes.

[AD BREAK]

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[END AD BREAK]

CALLER: I'm big on journaling and lists and writing things down, and especially you could see her pain, the caller before. And I would even say to write things down, like when you're first going through stuff.

Write it down, carry it with you in your purse, put it in your pocket, put it in your car. Like, I've got things all over the place, like the non-negotiables or the driftwood I'm wanting.

The things, you know, the, the things that I've prioritized. And I, I keep my calendar's like my diary and I mean, I write, so like I was, you're in my diary right now. I was like listening to the Gabby Live podcast, blah, blah, blah. But I think if she just kind of listed some things, good and bad, you know?

GABBY: Yes.

CALLER: And just, And just looked at it every day or, you know, I don't have to go to this event. I don't have to do this. I don't have to talk to this person. It helps when you read it again and you say it out loud.

GABBY: Yeah. Yeah. So that actually is everybody's homework. If there's people, places, situations that do not feel safe for you, there's an opportunity for you to decide for yourself what is non-negotiable in your life.

A non-negotiable is I don't have to show up for these types of things. A non-negotiable could be I'm not going to put myself in a situation where I feel unsafe. Or a non negotiable could be that I only surround myself with people who make me feel good. Right? Come on now.

CALLER: Right. Yes. Yes. Yes. And just, and think like, I think, and that's been a whole new group of people, like a whole new group of people that I, that I'm friends with.

And they're, they're real friends. That's right. Like I've, I've just realized I've, I've never had real friends. I've had shallow girlfriends. Yeah. And I'm not interested in that. I want deep, meaningful relationships. I mean, you know, just friends, not even talking about opinion.

GABBY: Look at, look at the driftwood in your life right now.

You're here. With your friend Gabby. You literally, you're like, I'm your best friend. You're with your best friend, Gabby. You're having a chat. You're manifesting a lot, my love. And I just, I just think that's such a beautiful episode because we heard from the first caller and then we had this opportunity for you to Dear Gabby, her.

And to be a power of example for her.

CALLER: Yeah. This was literally the universe. This was literally Gabby in my mind. This was how it was supposed to happen because from the first time I got on, I was like, pick me, pick me. Hey, hey. And so, and. She said my name. I couldn't believe it.

GABBY: And you were supposed to follow our guest before.

So I thank you so deeply for that. And I'm so proud of you and I wish you so much more grace in your life. And I'm so proud of all that you're creating and thank you for carrying the message far beyond the show.

CALLER: Thank you. Yes. Thank you. And I, I've told all my friends, I mean, I'm like, go follow her, go buy her book, go buy her cards.

So I'm like a big, I'm like a groupie.

GABBY: You're just adorable. Keep coming back, baby. Keep coming back.

CALLER: I will. And I'm going to come and see you in person at some point when you're around, I'm going to come see you. But I love you so much.

GABBY: I'll be in person. I love you, honey.

CALLER: I love you so much. And I love your whole team. And Wolf and everything.

GABBY: Wolf has fans. So cool. I love you, sweetheart. Thank you.

CALLER: Thank you so much. Love you, bye.

GABBY: Thank you, love. Bye, honey. Bye. What an episode. So we had this Beautiful opportunity to open up a conversation about whatever the audience wanted to have come through. And today what came through was how to create boundaries with family members or partners or loved ones when it's not safe, when it doesn't feel safe.

And those boundaries are hard to establish. They're scary to create because these younger parts of ourselves believe that we have to take care of these people in our life because. We have a ring on our finger because we're born into this family or whatever the story is. And undoing that belief system can take time.

So in the process of undoing that belief system, it's really valuable to create some non-negotiables. And those non-negotiables could look like, I am not willing to be in the presence of people who make me feel unsafe, or even more strong and boundaried. I do not enter into these specific situations. And if you start to create that list of those non-negotiables, you can be sure that you're much more likely to commit to them.

Because sometimes when we're creating a lot of inner safety and we're doing the therapeutic work and we're listening to Dear Gabby and we're reading books like Happy Days and we're doing whatever it takes to get to that place of safety, being in the presence of the people who made us feel unsafe does not help the journey back to safety.

So give yourself some grace. Give yourself the chance to create that safety in your life. Open your heart to what's possible. Stay centered. Stay in a place where you can be safe enough to do that deeper work and heal and trust that it is absolutely okay to create boundaries. I wanna acknowledge the bravery of these two guests that came on the bravery and the courage that they had to leave the situations that were causing them harm.

The bravery and the courage that they have to speak up publicly about it to share their experience, their strength. The bravery that they have to start to create those non-negotiables. Be open to them and to stick to them.

And I want to really acknowledge you for listening to the end because this is a big topic and it can be very jarring and triggering to the parts of us that feel like we are indebted to the loved ones in our life.

I'm going to remind you right here, right now that you can create that list of non-negotiables. You can create boundaries with love. You can be strong in those boundaries and oftentimes creating those boundaries and saying no is the most loving response. So thank you for joining me here on today's show, and I hope this really, really served you.

I love you guys. And I really hope that this show inspired you to create more safety in your own life. I'll see you next time on Dear Gabby.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you're truly committed to miracles. I'm really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode.

Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience at this show means a lot to me, so I really wanna welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media at @GabbyBernstein.

And if you wanna get in on the action, sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby’d live deargabby.com. See you next week.

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.