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Today is the big day! I am thrilled to officially announce that my tenth book, Self Help is now available for preorder.

In Self Help, you’ll discover a loving way to resolve inner conflict and cultivate an ever-present internal guidance system. Preorder the book today to get a super special gift from me!

Self Help empowers you to become your own inner healer by unlocking the greatest resource of your life: Self energy.

In the book, I demystify the power of Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, taking its life-changing teachings out of the therapist’s office and into your everyday life with my powerful 4-step “Check-in Method.”

This revolutionary practice can radically shift your core beliefs and connect you to an infallible inner guidance system.

If you’re looking for a practical guide to personal growth and a new and miraculous way of living, tune in to this week’s episode to learn more about Self Help.

In this episode you’ll learn

  • The basics of the 4-step “Check-in Method”
  • What is means to access “Self energy”
  • How to begin to identify your ‘“parts”
  • The ‘C Qualities’ of Self
  • The amazing bonus I’m giving away when you preorder the book now!
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Then, watch the video below to get a glimpse into my new book!

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Listen to the first chapter of my new book Self Help for free!

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Preorder my latest book, Self Help, and get a FREE ticket to the Live Online Masterclass (valued at $500).

disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #210 Jun 10, 2024 emotional wellbeing

a sneak preview into gabby’s 10th book, self help: this is your chance to change your life

[00:00:00] Speaker: The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I'm not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I'm your host, Gabby Bernstein. And if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you're ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let's get started.[00:01:00]

Welcome back to Dear Gabby, my friends. Welcome back. Today's a very monumental day for me. It's a big day. It's a big day. It's a big day. If you've been listening to the show regularly, you're following me on social media. You know that I have been preparing to release my 10th book, Self Help, This is Your Chance to Change Your Life.

Oh, Lord. And it is a major milestone when that book goes on pre sale. And it is officially on sale. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, all the online booksellers. It is available to pre order. And so I wanted to celebrate this big presale day. The book isn't out until New Year's Eve. How cool is that? Self help coming out on New Year's Eve.

But in the meantime, this is your pre order moment. And so I wanted to celebrate this milestone. By talking about the book, introducing you to the topics, really giving you a deep dive into my writing process. And to give you a headstart on what this book is going to offer you. I'm demystifying the principles of Internal Family Systems Therapy, making it self-help.

[00:02:00] It is a way to connect to your greatest resource inside this book is gonna rock your world. So today on the show, I am giving you a sneak peek and. There's big news. I decided that I wanted to bring the book to life even before it came out, so I'm going to host a full day live online self help masterclass that's totally free when you pre order the book.

You can join from anywhere in the world. And it's a full day with me and it's completely free just when you pre order. So just head over to DearGabby.com/selfhelp to get your VIP ticket to this live online masterclass. The VIP tickets are only available until June 18th. So if you think you're going to get this book anyway, this is your absolute moment to go grab it.

Head over to DearGabby.com/selfhelp pre order self help. This is your chance to change your life. So head over to DearGabby.com/selfhelp and enjoy the episode. Today, Josh, is the freaking day. Very exciting. This is a big day. [00:03:00] This is a big, big, big day. So today is the day that my 10th book goes on Amazon.

[00:03:06] Speaker 2: Mazel Tov. 

[00:03:07] Speaker: Self help. This is your chance to change your life. And the cover is revealed. The cover that I originally designed, before it went to the proper designer, I originally designed it on Canva. Do you remember that? I was like, oh, you guys, look, here's my book cover, and I literally made it on Canva.

Which by the way, it's f ing good. It's a good cover. Yeah. 

[00:03:25] Speaker 2: Well, let's talk a little bit about the cover, and then we'll dive in. So, how did you come to design the cover?

[00:03:31] Speaker: I had a vision in my mind. I remember Wayne Dyer would always print out his book covers and put them, I got a dummy book and put it next to his desk as he was writing his book.

So it was like, it was manifesting as if, like it was already in form as he was writing it. And I wanted to get the cover design and I put it on my desk. Top of my computer. 'cause now I can see it every day. But I wanted that cover design early just for that same manifesting reason. Right. And so I was like, I'm not gonna wait for anybody, I'm just gonna go do it.

Yeah. [00:04:00] And I had a vision in my meditation of this sort of like seventies looking and the title self-help. And so it was really emphasizing the self-help, not having my face on it to really democratize the work. So I'm a full face on the back, so if you recognize me and it's helpful, but. Really it's about everyone.

It's not about me, right? It's about you as the reader. It's about you accessing yourself, your resourced higher self. I love that. And letting that self help you. Yeah. And so, and help all the parts of you. So I really wanted the title to stand out. Like, I'm like a camp designer, and I wanted the title to stand out, and I had this vision of this sort of like salmon y color, like very like sunset y, 70s vibe, and getting that color with a Pantone is a mindfuck, truly.

It really isn't easy to find that color exactly once it's in print, so in any case, I then made it, and then I sent it off to the actual designer, and he just mocked up a cleaner, more sophisticated version with a font that made sense, but it was the same cover. Same cover that I designed. Yeah, it's my design.

[00:04:59] Speaker 2: [00:05:00] It's amazing. 

[00:05:00] Speaker: I know, I'm a cover designer. 

[00:05:01] Speaker 2: Well, we know that you're a designer.

[00:05:03] Speaker: I'm a Canva designer. But yeah, so officially people, anyone listening, everyone listening right now, the book, Self Help, my 10th book in print. It's not out until December 31st. Right. 2024. 2024, really like New Year's Eve.

But you can go get it right now. So this is actually the big thing. We're going to riff about this book today, but this is the most exciting part. I'm going to do a full day in November, a full day workshop masterclass, full day, six hour masterclass on the book where I prepare the readers, all the early readers, anybody that pre orders this book gets this full day workshop.

Gaby self help masterclass. Now if you want to come the whole day you can dip in about it's online. You can join from the comfort of your home and all you have to do is pre order the book. So just go to deargabby.com/self help, order the book there, and then you put in your information [00:06:00] and you get an immediate.

Amazing VIP ticket to this event. 

[00:06:03] Speaker 2: That's amazing.

[00:06:04] Speaker: I'm only  giving those VIP tickets for the next week. So deargabby.com/selfhelp pre order that book right now. So go check out the cover on Amazon, read about it. Listen to this episode. If you're like, yes, I'm into that, go grab your copy because then I'm going to do this masterclass.

And in the masterclass in November, what I'm going to do is really tee people up to workshop the book, understand the four step process that I teach in the book, which I can touch into a bit today. And to see it happen in real time and to be workshopping people in real time and to really experience it.
So just go preorder the book and you get this for free. The workshop's completely free for any preorder people. 

[00:06:43] Speaker 2: I got to say that's so thrilling because imagine any book that you're excited to read, right? As a preamble to the book, you get this literally like this deep dive into it and you know, I have had the privilege of reading the book and you know how I feel about the book.

It's frigging amazing. [00:07:00] I think for the reader to have this foundation, it's going to be really profound. 

[00:07:05] Speaker: Yeah, imagine like you're about to open the ultimate self help book, but you get this workshop, full day workshop on the method before you even read it. Yeah. It takes out so much of the guesswork and lays a foundation.

Go get your VIP ticket. The VIP ticket just includes like an after party and only people that can ask questions during the training are the people that are in that VIP bucket. So, you know, that you become eligible to ask questions and be workshopped. So if you know, you're going to get the book, go immediately to deargabby.com/selfhelp .

Okay. So This is like our chat. We don't want to give too much away about the book. We've been talking about it for a long time, but you can like kind of AMA me a little bit with boundaries. Well, AMA with bumpers. 

[00:07:45] Speaker 2: Well, you know, like I just said, I had the privilege of reading it earlier this year.

I loved it. I texted you immediately. I think I may have been on a plane and there was many things that stuck out to me and I circled them. So we'll get to those in a later episode. But one of the [00:08:00] things that really, really stuck out was. a section heading that says self forgiveness is a spiritual experience.

[00:08:07] Speaker: All right. Gorge. I don't even remember writing these things. Okay. Gorgeous. So this book is all about having a greater sense of connection to your internal condition and to the parts of yourself that you otherwise might think are bad parts of you, right? So maybe if you have addiction or if you're, controlling or if you, you know, are apathetic or you identify as somebody who is, is an overachiever to a fault or perfectionist to a fault.

These are parts of you that are working really hard. to keep you feeling safe. And the book is all about helping you connect inward, look inward, recognize these different parts of yourself that you might otherwise shame and shun and use your word forgive. 

[00:08:53] Speaker 2: Yeah. 

[00:08:53] Speaker: Befriend these parts, relax them, calm them, notice them, give them connection, become [00:09:00] curious about these parts of yourself.

And ultimately there is a chapter in the end of the book. about self forgiveness and the part of you that's connecting inward is your highest self. It's your undamaged, resourced self. And that's why this book is called self because all of us have inside of us self with a capital S and that's the courageous part of us, the calm part of us, the compassionate part of us, the connected part of us, creative, confident, all of these beautiful qualities that are C qualities.

And when we start to develop a connection to self, then self can be the part that connects inward. And so we're not looking at ourselves inside and saying, Oh, you're a piece of because you're still doing that thing. Or I hate you or you suck because you're still using drugs or you're horrible because you can't stop raging on team calls.

Oh, poor [00:10:00] Josh. But instead looking at these, Activated parts of who we are and these sort of sometimes shameful. We might see them as shameful and seeing them through the lens of love and compassion. 

[00:10:11] Speaker 2: Well, two things. One, the shameful part really, I think for me resonates because. You know, there are parts of me like the people pleasing part that I used to be so embarrassed even admit to myself Let alone out loud that I like if someone was like Josh, you're just a people pleaser I would like curl I would want to just die of shame and embarrassment and think that was just so horrible But I think one of the things that I've learned through The IFS process, just reading your book, being with you, hearing the experts speak on it as well, is that it's not about being embarrassed or shamed of it.

Like you just said, it's like befriending it, loving it, forgiving it and letting it be. 

[00:10:49] Speaker: And what if I told you that you had within you The power to heal the, that part's extreme behaviors, right? So [00:11:00] let's say the people pleaser part, when it's in its sort of raw form, protecting you and kind of activated.

[00:11:07] Speaker 2: Yep. 

[00:11:08] Speaker: What if I were to tell you that there's a self healer inside of you, there's an adult resourced part of you that could help that people pleaser feel more calm, feel more safe, feel more connected, but not make it go away. Because the thing that I can say to you is that people pleaser part of you is also your superpower.

[00:11:28] Speaker 2: Right. 

[00:11:29] Speaker: Because you care, because you are committed, because you love, because you want to be of service. So you don't want to ever get rid of that people pleaser. We want to help the people pleaser feel safe, feel connected, feel calm, feel like it's seen. And so when you use the four step check in method that's inside this book, it will guide really for the people pleaser part of you to feel safe, [00:12:00] to feel seen, to feel soothed, to feel accepted, forgiven. And in that healing of that part of you, it can start to settle, be less extreme and not reactive and then thrive in its natural role because you have a superpower that that is a superpower.

So when it's relaxed, It's her superpower. When it's extreme, it becomes, you know, for all of us in our own extreme protection mechanisms, it can become, you know, for me, like, I have the controller. The controller in her extreme pattern, when she's activated and scared and all that, is a bitch on calls or she's, you know, forcing things or pushing things or, you know, historically really tough, right?

She's much healthier now. But the controller is also the part of me that wrote 10 books in 13 years. And it has served a lot of souls, right? So the parts of us that we shame most, the parts of us that we deny or push down or try to [00:13:00] just avoid most. are also the parts of us that have the greatest gifts to give.

You guys, lately I've been kind of obsessed with something new. I've been playing tennis every day that I can get out there. It's like three or four days a week I'm on the tennis court sweating my butt off. And when I'm sweating, I'm wanting to make sure that I'm absolutely hydrating. And I always have in my tennis bag, Sports Research Electrolytes.

They are the sponsor of today's show. And I love this brand because they're keeping me. hydrated. Check this out. Sports Research Hydrate Electrolytes is a no brainer for you. It's daily hydration on the go. First of all, it's so easy. They come in these super handy little packs and you can throw them in your handbag or in your tennis bag like me.

They've got these great flavors, cherry, pomegranate, lemon, lime, passion fruit, raspberry, lemonade. Sports Hydrate Electrolytes are sugar free. They're zero sugar people. I just region for this drink because it's delicious. It's not just because it's [00:14:00] hydrating for me. It's delicious. And the cool part is that each pack has two to one sodium to potassium ratio, which is the optimal ratio for daily hydration for a healthy functioning body.

So whether you're looking to hydrate during your workout or traveling or at the end of a long night, sports research, hydrate electrolytes has you covered. Covered with over 65 trace minerals, seven essential vitamins, and coconut water powder. Crisp and refreshing without any sugars. It's the hydration you need with nothing you don't.

Visit sportsresearch.com and use code DEARGABBY at checkout for 50 percent off your purchase of Hydrate. That's sportsresearch.com Use code DEARGABBY for 15 percent off your Hydrate Electrolytes order. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Holy cow, it's June. June, people. We are almost halfway through the year already, and it's just flying [00:15:00] by. And there's just so much happening. I finished my 10th book, and my team and I are planning for a big book launch, and just all the things that go along with that.

I got a lot going on. We all have a lot going on. And when we have a lot going on, we need support. We need a lot of support. And as you know, if you've listened to this show, the greatest support that I've received in my life is through therapy. Therapy has changed my life on such a core level. And so if you're feeling the overwhelm of all the things that are happening in your life, good, bad, wonderful, whatever it might be, it's all a lot.

We're living in a very chaotic time with devices in our hands. We are all over the place. So therapy is a grounding source. It's a way to feel connected, feel supported, feel guided, and get through the tough stuff so that you can really live and enjoy the great stuff. And so that's why I'm here so thrilled to share that BetterHelp is our sponsor on the show.

And BetterHelp will quickly and easily connect you with a licensed therapist who can take you on a journey of self care. Self [00:16:00] discovery. And all you have to do to get started is just fill out a brief questionnaire and BetterHelp will match you with a licensed therapist. It's convenient, it's flexible, you can do it on the phone or a video call.

And BetterHelp is committed to making sure that you're paired with the right therapist. So if it's not working out for you, they'll put you in touch with a new one, no additional charge. So take a moment, my friend, visit betterhelp.com/DearGabby today and get 10 percent off your first month. That's betterhelp.com/DearGabby.

[00:16:33] Speaker 2: Like you said it and you say it in the book, like you're not a therapist, but you're in, you're democratizing this therapeutic modality that we can all apply as self help.

[00:16:43] Speaker: . Hence the name of the book. That's right. So I'm democratizing internal family systems therapy, which listeners of the show heard me talk about, but if you're new to the show, never heard it before, IFS is a model that was created and developed, channeled and brought to the world by my very dear friend, [00:17:00] Dr. Richard Schwartz, Dick Schwartz.

He's been on the show multiple times. We'll link in the show notes. And the thesis of IFS is simple. It's profound, but I'm going to simplify it. It's that we have a lot of different parts of who we are. So if you've ever said things like, Oh, part of me gets really outraged when my husband pisses me off, or a part of me is really apathetic, or a part of me is an addict.

We can recognize that these parts of ourselves have had a role in our life. They've been protecting us. These extreme patterns, behaviors, triggered responses, they're protection mechanisms. And if IFS calls them protector parts, what are these protection mechanisms protecting against? They're protecting against burdened young child parts of us, the parts of us that were traumatized as children, the parts of us that were told that we were inadequate or unlovable or didn't feel good enough.

We all have them in our own ways. Maybe we learn them through our parents. Maybe we'll learn them in the playground, but we had these experiences from childhood that were so extreme. We didn't have the resources or the adult figures to help us [00:18:00] process them. So we exiled them. We said, I'm going to lock you up.

Not literally, but we unconsciously locked them up and said, I'm never going to feel that shame and that inadequacy again. And we built up all these compensating behaviors, protection mechanisms to ever. have to face to avoid having to face those protectors again. I can see it in my five year old, right?

So Ollie, he has a protector that's like, I'm better on everybody. I'm better on them. I know where that came from. When he was three, he was put into a class with three to six year olds in a Montessori program. And I, I think there's many good things about these programs, but I, for my son, three to six wasn't right.

And there was a big kid in the class who he was obsessed with, but of course the six year old doesn't want to have anything to do with the three year old, but they're in the same class. And so he built this misguided belief that I have to be the big guy. I have to be cool. I have to be perfect at everything in order to be good enough.

And so his protection mechanism is I'm better on everybody. I'm the best one. I'm better than [00:19:00] you. I'm better than you. I already know how to do science. I, you know, I I'm good at math. I can spell. I'm like, dude, you can't spell. I don't say that to him, but So I see that's a protector that he built really young, right?

He had this, like, small T trauma at three years old with this big kid who he wanted to be like, but the big kid had nothing to do with him. And so he learned, I gotta be better than everybody, right? And so that's, that's a protector part. And they develop in these very young years. Now, thankfully for Ollie, his mother's Gabby Bernstein and working with him to process it.

But most of us did not have Gabby Bernstein as a mother to process these extreme or maybe less extreme, but still monumental moments. We didn't have processing. We didn't have acknowledgment. We didn't have feelings met or heard or seen. We didn't have therapists brought to us if we had a trauma. None of it.

And so what did we do? We pushed it down and said, I'm never going to feel that feeling again. And immediately, as young children, just like Ali, built up these protection mechanisms. I'm better than everybody else or I'm perfect at that. Which, you know, if it's not [00:20:00] processed properly, he may never even start things because he's afraid if I'm not perfect at it, I won't do it, right?

But I'm gonna help. I'm helping him with that. Thank God. So, most of us don't have Gabby Bernstein as a mother, but what we do have is self. inside. We all have a really, really, really valuable resource inside of us, which is an ever present internal parent. It's that common courageous part inside. And so the whole book is about getting to know these protector parts, these protection mechanisms that have been with us forever, right?

Since we were six, since we were three, Ollie was three, right? Since we were really, really little getting to know these protection mechanisms and helping them feel a connection to self, establishing a glimmer of self. Even if a little bit of compassion comes through, even if just listening to this, like you said before, I feel calmer when you spoke about my part, my people pleaser in that way.

That is a sign that there's self here. Calm is a quality of [00:21:00] self. So you started to feel calmness when, when I was In my self energy saying your people pleaser is a rock star. We need him or whatever you gender it. You can have no gender. Pete's parts don't have to have genders. I love that people pleaser.

And when you started to feel that compassion that I have for the people pleaser, you felt calm. And so through the guidance in this book and this four step process, you're going to get to know these parts of yourself and you're going to bring self to them. And It's an act as if kind of process. The more you do it, the more you experience it.

The more you experience it, the more you know it. And then the more hope is developed. 

[00:21:38] Speaker 2: And what would you say, like, cause I know, I mean, my friends are like, Oh, I don't have any trauma. I'm fine. Like there are people out there who really don't believe that they need any sort of introspection or self help at all.

[00:21:50] Speaker: They're definitely not going to pick up the book, self help. They're definitely not listening to me right now. And they're definitely not pre ordering the book to get the VIP ticket to the live event in November. So [00:22:00] it's just, I'm speaking to the converted, right? I mean, if you don't want. to heal, right?

The subtitle is, this is your chance to change your life. If you are somebody that's like never touched a self help book before, but that book or that title for whatever reason, just like keeps following you around on Amazon, or it just falls off the shelf, then you know, it's your time. All I need to be able to teach is the slightest willingness, as they say in 12 Step, the mustard seed of hope.

But if you're not interested, it's not your time. You read it when you need it. like once it's like the biggest book on the planet and everybody's talking about it, maybe you'll crack it open, you know, or maybe your partner will be practicing it. And as a result, you'll see such great change in them that maybe you'll pick it up one afternoon because it's on the table.

Right. But I'm not talking to the unconverted because frankly, this book does require a desire to heal and a desire to be free, a desire to become your own inner healer. Desire to feel empowered that there is absolutely [00:23:00] a new way of living that you can live completely free. And I am living in proof of that, bro.

[00:23:08] Speaker 2: Oh my God. So is it fair to say, just to break it down, like, is it fair to say that the goal is to be in self? 

[00:23:18] Speaker: That's a great question, Josh. Thank you. The goal of this book is not to live in self. You're not going to live in. your courageous, calm, connected, compassionate place all the time. But the goal is to know that when you're not there, that that's a part that's activated.

That you're not an asshole, you just had a part of you that was activated, right? So you, many a time I've called you or messaged the team after a team Zoom call where I have a controller part that's very active in my workplace and she can get very activated if she feels like people aren't listening to me or if things feel out of control or things aren't getting done.

And so she can be a real bitch on those calls. But [00:24:00] what will happen is after. I won't shame or blame myself, or I won't blame everybody else, right? Those are not the two forms of protectors, but instead, or judge myself or anything, but instead I'll, I'll notice what happened and I'll do the four step process in the book.

I'll choose to check in with the part that's present, that's step one, choose to check in. And then I'll start to become curious about my feelings and my thoughts and my sensations just after the call. And I'll notice like I'm feeling so outraged and I'm feeling like I'm so out of control and I'll notice the thoughts that I'm having, like so and so didn't do it the way I wanted and I'm just sending curiosity, right?

And then the third step is I'll compassionately connect to the part. And I'll, once I have that curiosity going, I feel like I noticed the part more and I'm connected to it. And I'll ask the part of me. What do you need right now? And oftentimes what I'll hear is I need to calm down, or I need breath, or I need some compassion, [00:25:00] or I need to be heard.

And when I ask the part what they need, that the part has this freedom to say, I need this from you, Gabby. And the fourth step is I'll, I'll check in and I'll see. Are there any qualities, those c qualities. Do I feel calmer now? Is there more compassion? Do I feel a little courageous to speak up and ask the team for what I need in a calmer way?

Always there'll be some C qualities present. I'm always feel calmer, feel more connected. And that's the four steps, noticing this part, becoming curious about it, compassionately connecting to it, and then checking to see if there's these qualities of C qualities of, of compassion or courage or curiosity that's present, and then leaning into those C qualities.

Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. Every single chapter of this book has that same four step process, but just in different forms. Maybe some are incorporating more meditation or prayer or a spiritual practice. And [00:26:00] those four steps, my friend, once you start to master them, they become so ingrained inside of you that you no longer have to fear your fear because you know where to turn.

You just rinse and repeat, four step check in process. No matter what happens to you, you can choose to lean inward and follow these four steps. It's the most empowering experience of your life because you no longer have to run, you no longer have to hide, and you no longer have to feel hopeless. because there's help inside.

Today's podcast is sponsored by Midi Health. If you are a woman like me, over 40, then hear me out, sisters. Menopause and perimenopause are real, and the symptoms are no joke. I have hot flashes. Yes, I do. I'm trying to claim that I am not dealing with this, but I am. Hot flashes, sometimes insomnia, brain fog, moodiness.

Vaginal dryness, weight gain. [00:27:00] It's like a thing. Like the second I turned 44, I literally started getting like mass text messages from my girlfriends that were my age being like, girl, is this happening to you? And I'm like, honey, it is happening. So that's why I'm thrilled that Midi Health is our sponsor of the show today.

This brand is dedicated to providing safe, effective FDA approved solutions. And my friends, if you are going through it, stop pushing through it alone. And I'm That's why MIDI is here to support you, guide you, and provide effective services. And yes, visits and prescriptions are covered by major insurance providers.

So if you're uninsured or MIDI care is out of network with your plan, they also offer affordable payment services. So get the support and the solutions you need and deserve. Schedule a virtual visit to discuss your symptoms and health background in depth. You'll come out of the experience feeling heard, cared for, and with a plan that really helps you start feeling better.

We don't have to be so hot, my friends. You deserve to feel great. Book your virtual visit today [00:28:00] and join midi.com. That's join midi.com. Book your virtual visit today at join midi. com. That's join midi. com. Hello, my friends. I hope you're enjoying this episode. Oh, it's so exciting that my. My new book, my 10th book, is available for pre order.

It is officially here. This is self help. This is your chance to change your life. And it gets even better when you pre order the book. You can bring the book to life with me. at a live online full day masterclass. I'm going to be leading this masterclass in the fall right before the book comes out. And when you pre order today at DearGabby.com/selfhelp, I'm going to start hooking you up with resources. I'm going to give you audio files, meditations.

You're going to start getting hooked up with a lot of nurturing before the live event. Then you'll get a full day. full day live online masterclass where I'm going to bring the book to life.

[00:29:00] So if you're out there and you're like, I love Gabby. I love this podcast. I love what I'm hearing. I love your books or I'm interested in your next book. Just head over to Dear DearGabby.com/selfhelp to get your VIP ticket to this live online masterclass. The VIP tickets are only available until June 18th.

VIPs have an after party. You're the ones that get to ask me questions, get workshopped. During the event and those tickets expire on June 18th, free tickets to the live online masterclass. Get your VIP ticket at deargabby.com/self help.

[00:29:37] Speaker 2: you know, you make it sound really simple. Right. And I remember the first time this was maybe over a year ago, we were sitting in a coffee shop just down the street and canal. I was telling you a story and you're like, well, can we just check in? Do you feel comfortable? And we're sitting in a public space.

And I remember you beginning to ask me these questions. And it was really remarkable how quickly. It was effective. [00:30:00] 

[00:30:00] Speaker: Yeah. I mean, you saw it. Everybody saw it just in you 20 minutes ago when I was like, just curious or compassionate towards the people pleaser. And the second that you felt my self energy, genuine compassion towards the people pleaser, you felt calm.

see quality of self. So it is fast. And look in IFS therapy, the therapist would do this in a very detailed way. And it's a beautiful journey. It's like an interview process. And the goal ultimately is not just to get to these protection mechanisms. but to calm down these protector parts so that you can talk to the younger exiled parts.

This book isn't touching into any of those exiles. If you have trauma, you don't have to talk about the trauma, you don't have to relive the trauma. This is all about just the day to day triggered responses that we're constantly living in. This is about helping those parts of us just feel more at ease so that we don't have to live from extreme part to extreme part and be the victim of our bad behavior, quote unquote.
It's not bad behavior, it's [00:31:00] protection mechanisms, it's protector parts. We don't have to shame ourselves anymore. 

[00:31:05] Speaker 2: Can we talk a little bit about the protectors? Because I know there's the protector part, and then there's the firefighter, right?  

[00:31:10] Speaker: Yeah, so there's two sides of protectors. Look at you, bro. Oh my God.

So the two types of protectors, one is the manager, And a manager is commonly with us on a day to day basis, right? So, you know, at work, you might have, I think a manager for you could be a people pleaser, maybe just like, I'm not wanting to name your parts, but like, maybe it's a part that's like kind of around throughout the day, kind of just like making sure everybody else is okay.

So like, I'm good. And then it makes me feel safe. And, you know, that kind of thing for me might be the controller. Like I would just show up here and there. And there's parts of us that's maybe socially acceptable and they're present throughout the day and they show up and we're just like, that's who I am.

I'm controlling whatever that might be. I'm a people pleaser, whatever that is. But then there's the firefighters and when the managers aren't working anymore, right? So let's say we've been trying to control [00:32:00] everything, but that's not working. And I'm so extreme. Then what would I do when I was back in the day using drugs?

I'd pick up cocaine. I'd pick up alcohol. And that's, those are the addict parts, the firefighters. And so now, you know, 18 and a half years clean and sober, that firefighter part, that addict isn't there anymore, but maybe there is another firefighter in my life, which could be the, the, the outrage, right?

That might just like come out. So firefighters are usually oftentimes the addictive parts. They can be more violent in nature. They can be also very dissociative, like just checking out, like, bye, good night. I'm going to sleep. That's a firefighter I have. Literally falling asleep. It's like, nope, out. And so, In the book, I don't really deal with firefighters much.

We talk about them. There's a chapter on firefighters, but I'm not really trying to get too heavily into the addict roles, but really focusing more on the managers, more on the trigger responses, the parts of us that are with us on a day to day basis that are just constantly in protection mode, [00:33:00] trigger response, trigger response, trigger response, those guys I want to work with.

[00:33:03] Speaker 2: And is it fair to say that part of this is. Becoming what's the word like not angrier with those parts, right?

[00:33:11] Speaker: Like  yes, it's about it's about befriending these parts And respecting them. It's not asking the question to these parts of like, what are you doing? It's why? What's the intention behind this 
[00:33:26] Speaker 2: intention?

[00:33:26] Speaker: And when you start to look at the intent behind these? roles that we play, you can see really quickly, like if I were to ask that part of you, the people pleaser, what, what's the intent behind it? I mean, you don't have to answer it now, but to think about that for yourself, what is it that you need? Right?

That's the question about intent. What do you need? And usually they're like, I just need to be seen or I need to feel safe or the controller just needs to feel safe. And so we're not judging these parts of ourselves. We're Becoming curious about them. It's really cool. 

[00:33:58] Speaker 2: The not judging part, I [00:34:00] think, is incredibly profound because I do think that for the majority of people, like, judge their behavior on some level or other.

[00:34:06] Speaker: All freaking day, bro, right? They're like, like, anyone listening right now in the room, we've got Wolf, we've got Rhea. Do you guys notice yourself judging yourselves throughout the day? Well, if it's like a Buddha, maybe not, but yeah, really, right? Like, like just the self judgment, self attack. I know that whenever I'm in those situations where I like overshare, over talk, I have a part that likes to be very fixer part, of course, I mean, it's part, but that fixer part has a very important role as well, right?

But sometimes she goes overboard and she's like trying to save people that don't want to be saved. Right. And so after those moments, I walk away and I'm ashamed of that. And I'm like, Gabby, you're such an idiot. That's what I'll say to myself. I'll look in the mirror and say that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But then I'll do the four step check in process and I'll get back to the place of like, no, you have a good intention, but that part of you just wants to override people because you think you know best or whatever.

And it's not even because you think you know best, it's getting deeper into the intent. What is the intent? It's something very [00:35:00] deep underneath that, right? So it's a beautiful way of living when you stop judging yourself and you start caring for your inner condition. That's what this book is about. And I can't wait to workshop it with people.

I can't wait. I'm actually so thrilled that I'm doing that pre order event to lead people to a full day with me, six hour day. And again, come for an hour, come for 20 minutes, but it's a live online experience to just like get deep in this. And people can be workshopped in the four step check-in process.

You're gonna master it by the time the workshop is over. And so just as a reminder of people listening, like we launched the book today, it's on Amazon. All you have to do is just go to dear gabby.com/ self-help, and you pre-order it and you're gonna get this whole day where I can start workshopping this with you.

This conversation's like the tip of the iceberg, right? You know, we have so much coming. And that full day, imagine your favorite author or whoever you like, you know, or this beautiful book that you want to read and they come in, they teach it to you before you [00:36:00] even have to go down the journey. It's like 10 steps ahead.

So cool. 

[00:36:04] Speaker 2: It's so cool. Like I said earlier in this conversation, how that sets you up then to read the book is going to be, you're going to have such a rich experience.

[00:36:12] Speaker: You're going to have such a rich experience of this book. So, thanks for just diving in with me on it. Sure. I mean, it's like, we could, we're going to be talking about this for the next two years.

[00:36:22] Speaker 2: Can I ask you one quick question before we go? So, where did this come from? Where did IFS land in, how did it land in your life? 

[00:36:30] Speaker: I was practicing IFS with my therapist for a decade, but I didn't realize it. And then I started watching this YouTube video one afternoon and it was this man, Dick Schwartz, talking at a conference about this internal family systems therapy.

And as he started to describe it in parts and connecting to the parts and the process that he uses, I just like left off the table and I was like, Oh my God, this is the s that I've been doing. Like, this is the profound work that has been happening in my life. therapy for a [00:37:00] decade. And then I very quickly, I Dick on the podcast.

This was, he was one of the first three people to have on the podcast and then got trained in IFS, became a practitioner and wrote about it in happy days. And then now I've written about it in this book and hope to just carry the message and teach it in a way that's very easy for people. And for folks who may not ever have the privilege of being able to have this experience in a therapy session to have the gift of IFS in this book.

And Here we are. Self help. This is your chance to change your life. 

[00:37:30] Speaker 2: Love it. 

[00:37:30] Speaker: Go check it out, guys. Deargabbycom/self help. Grab your pre order today. For the next week, you can get a VIP ticket, which means that you get an after party. You get to ask questions throughout the day. It's a live online full day event with me in November.

It's going to rock your world. It is going to set you up to win. So if you know you're going to buy the book anyway, this is the actual moment because those VIP tickets are going to expire. 

[00:37:54] Speaker 2: That's a good point. 

[00:37:55] Speaker: Like if you'd sort of like, if you're like, yeah, I like how he's supposed to get it by it anyway.

Like go grab it now. So it's [00:38:00] all the details are deargabby.com/self help. This is literally just such a transformational book. It's going to give people so much hope. And thank you. Empowerment. 

[00:38:10] Speaker 2: Well, I'm just so excited that this conversation is going to continue through the rest of the year and beyond.

And I know there's so many people you're going to talk to besides me, but so many real experts in it. And that's really thrilling. 

[00:38:22] Speaker: Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna produce this conversation here. Love it. 

[00:38:25] Speaker 2: Love it. 

[00:38:26] Speaker: Thank you, everybody. See you next week.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you're truly committed to miracles. I'm really proud of you. If you want to get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode. Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience of this show means a lot to me, so I really want to welcome you to leave an honest review.

And you can follow me on social media at Gabby Bernstein. And if you want to get in on the action, sign up [00:39:00] for a chance to be Dear Gabby'd live at DearGabby.com. See you next week. 

Gabby. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.