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Last week I was in the studio with Josh, my producer, recording this episode of Dear Gabby.

Midway through the recording I said something that surprised me …

“I’m in my undoing era—where I am really looking at the extreme patterns that have held me back, witnessing these patterns as young parts of who I am. They’ve been around for so long protecting me, that I can connect to them and help them feel safe.”

This “undoing era” I’m entering into isn’t just for me, it’s for you too. Over the next few months I will be introducing you to a whole new way of perceiving yourself.

To truly break free from an old pattern, we must first establish a sense of safety within ourselves.

Tune in today on Dear Gabby as I break down what this all means, share tips on finding that inner safety, and guide you on the path to true healing. 

In this episode you’ll learn:

  • How to begin to identify your parts & check-in with them
  • How to connect to these parts without shame, blame or judgment, but rather compassion
  • Learn the answer to “what is a protector part?”
  • What is an Inner Healer
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Are you ready to unlock the greatest resource of your life?

My latest book is the ultimate self-help guide, offering a revolutionary practice to radically shift your core beliefs and connect you to an infallible inner guidance system: the energy of Self within you.

In this book, I demystify the power of Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy, taking its life-changing teachings out of the therapist’s office and into your everyday life. You’ll discover how extreme patterns like addiction, rage, pleasing, or constant self-judgment often develop as ways to suppress old feelings of inadequacy, shame, or fear.

Once you bring these patterns into the light and care for them, healing happens swiftly.

Order your copy now!

If you feel you need additional support, please consult this list of safety, recovery and mental health resources.

disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #224 Sep 16, 2024 manifesting

embrace your “undoing era” & change your life!

[00:00:00] The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor, and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

Hey there, welcome to Dear Gabby. I'm your host Gabby Bernstein, and if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. [00:01:00]

I recorded this episode in the studio with my producer, Josh, who has now become a, a staple on this show. And something that happens when I sit down in conversation with Josh is that when he engages me in a spiritual conversation, we can just sort of let whatever needs to come through come through.

And so something I said on the episode that was kind of surprising to me was I said, I'm in my undoing era where I am really looking at the extreme patterns that have held me back, witnessing these patterns of myself as young parts of who I am and that they've been around for so long, protecting me.

And now I can connect to them and help them feel safe. This magic kind of comes through when I'm just in a riff conversation with Josh. So this episode is about being in my undoing era and what that means and what that means to you. What it means to undo our old patterns. [00:02:00] And the result of undoing is This great sense of feeling safe inside.

This undoing era that I'm referring to is something that I'm going to talk a lot about in the next few months because it's really the through line of my forthcoming book, Self Help, This is Your Chance to Change Your Life. And as you guys know, Self Help is coming out in December, and it is all based on the principles of internal family systems therapy.

My own experience with IFS and my training in IFS led me to make the commitment to teach it to you, to give it to people in a way that they could apply it for themselves, even if they weren't necessarily able to access it through therapy. And so I'm excited about it. And I'm so thrilled that you guys are going to have the experience of this book coming to you.

And this episode is really a first step in the undoing, and it beautifully introduces you to it. to the messages inside the book. And so if you want to kind of take this process of [00:03:00] undoing and stepping into something new to the next level, I'm going to invite you to join me, join me, join me. If you've ever wanted to have a live experience with me from the comfort of your own home, totally free when you pre order my book, you can join me on November 16th and I'm going to take this topic from today to the next level.

I'm going to give you the guidance on how to undo. The patterns from your past and the belief systems that hold you back from manifesting and living the way that you truly want to live. From attracting what you want, the beliefs that are blocking you can be healed. Head over to DearGabby.com/selfhelp,

You can get your ticket for free when you pre order the book. It's coming up. It's coming up. And just get ready because this topic of undoing is this is the moment. We are here right here right now to start to claim a new way of living, to step into a freedom that we've [00:04:00] never known. And I'm really proud that I have the tools, the proven tools that I have used to show you the way.

So enjoy this episode. We go deep into the undoing. I love you guys. So here I am in the studio with my new t shirt. Pretty cute. Love it. Yeah. Super cute. Literally haven't paid for it yet. Pulled it off. Pulled it off of the WTF studios walls. So Josh, we're back in the studio. So happy to be back. We're back.

We're back. We're back. And today we're going to talk about something that's like a big heavy topic, how we have these inner children. And we also have. an inner healer. Now, da da da da, we're giving you a little bit of a head start into some of the concepts inside the book, Self Help, the one that's coming out on New Year's Eve.

New Year's Eve, self help. I mean, you can't, you can't mess that up. And so if you really like what we're talking about today, you're going to definitely want to go pre order the book, DearGabby.com/selfhelp, because on November 16th, I'm leading a full day workshop. Joshie and I, I can't wait.

We're heading out to South Carolina. We are going to be in a studio in the Tony Robbins studios doing a full day free workshop, free masterclass on the methods that we're going to introduce today. So if you're really digging this episode, definitely pre order the book and get into that masterclass, DearGabby.com/selfhelp because I'm going to start you off today with talking a little bit about how we have these inner children and how we can have an inner healer. And then I'm going to give you guys at the end of the episode, direction on how to start to connect to that inner healer inside of you.

And this is, Laying the groundwork for the self-help book. Love it. So they start to just give you a little taste of what's coming through. And it's coming in. Coming in hot. It is coming in hot. We're at the end of September right now. It's coming in hot. Yeah, we're almost, almost there. October. We turn on the gas, [00:06:00] bro.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Okay, so here we are. . Let's do, can I ask you one question before we dive in? Yeah. Just as a, how does that feel as an author, like in this moment, like to see. Feel that. Sense it. Know what's coming. Yeah. Well, you know, this is my 10th one. But it's a big one. I know they're all big. No, this is, this book is the one that I believe has the power to support people beyond the spiritual community or beyond the manifesting community.

Because It says what it is on the tin, self help. So if you're someone who's interested even slightly in personal development and you have an area of your life that you do want to have increased or enhanced or you want to release an addiction or a pattern, you want to change your life, this is your book, period.

The subtitle is This is Your Chance to Change Your Life. So if you want that. And I think if you're listening to Dear Gavi, then [00:07:00] you've already raised your hand. Then let's take the journey together because this one is, this one's big. How does it feel though? You asked me like, yeah, the reason I ask is because when I do whatever it is that I do to support it, I just, it comes in hot, literally like I, it just, it feels like it just, there's so much energy around it for me.

So I can only imagine what it's like for you. Yeah, it's coming in hot. I think that I have a part of me. Well, this is where I use the work from the book, right? There's parts of me that are coming up and this actually is the segue. So I can witness through the work of the check in process, which is in my book, Self Help, which I'll teach you how to master when you come to that masterclass in November before the book is out.

I've learned to trust and know that there are a lot of parts of me in all experiences that I have. So. I can speak for those parts of me as the book is being launched. There is a part of me that [00:08:00] feels like a controller. I got to do it this way. This is how I've always known it to be done. And, you know, we have a new PR firm this time and we're working in a different way.

We have a different performance marketing team this time. So there's new things happening. And the controlling part of me wants to step in. And so what I'm doing is this practice that we're going to teach today on the podcast, which is I'm witnessing that controlling part, knowing more about it, being curious about it, and then connecting it to my own inner healer, which is the book we refer to as Self, Self with a capital S.

Self is the courageous, calm, compassionate, connected, curious, creative, clear, confident part of who you are. And when we focus our attention on the inner parts of us that are young, and we offer self [00:09:00] to those parts. self can help. That's the thesis. So to, to unpack this a little bit more for you guys today.

Now, Josh, is there a part of you that's like pretty active in your life day to day? That's that might feel like an extreme part of who you are. Do you feel comfortable naming it here? Yeah. I mean, there is a, it's Well, there are two and we've talked about one on the, on the show before, which is the people pleasing part.

And then there's the super anxious part. I'm going to let everybody down. Anxiety that you're going to let everybody down. Great. And so if you don't have a connection to the, to those parts of you, right, if you're just sort of letting them do their thing, managing your life, what does it look like and feel like?

The. Anxious part, the one about letting people down will literally put me into a high state of anxiety.
Like, like, like [00:10:00] hyperdrive, like, you know, shortness of breath and my stomach will be like in a knot. I'll feel like the cortisol sort of rushing through my system. I mean, I can definitely recognize when it's in full effect.

Yep. Yep. Yep. I hear that. You know, the physical sensation. Absolutely. So now with that awareness. You've been reading the book and practicing the methods. When you, so that's actually a really good first step for everybody listening. So you would notice the area of your life where you might be a little bit extreme.

So in Josh's case, extreme anxiety, in my case, extreme controlling, and just recognize that that's a part of your life. It's not who you are. It's a part of who you are and it has a lot of history. And so the first step is to just witness it. Another step is we start to ease into this new conversation about self help.

Another step is to notice where you feel it in your body [00:11:00] when it's activated. And so you said your whole body tenses up. I was speaking to a friend the other day, was reading the first few chapters of self help. And he was like, Oh my God, I never thought about this stuff before. He was reading the book because he's my friend, but not, he's not necessarily somebody who might've, picked it up, but he actually read it, not just because he's my friend, but because he felt like he needed it.

And he started to define this part of himself that's similar to your, one of your parts of this is like people pleaser. And he was like, Gabby, I never, I started taking notes about this and started becoming curious about it as the book guided him to do. And he said, I realized, There's this part of me that I literally tense up, brace up, and he showed me this physical sensation of like clenching his hands and pulling into his chest.

And I've known him for a very long time and I was like, I've seen you do that multiple times a day when we're together. Physically like bracing up. For me, like my jaw will clench, [00:12:00] right? You may even see that physically. You can see the physical transformation of someone's protection mechanisms start to step in.

That's a good exploration right here, right now. So you've noticed this part of you that. may be extreme. And when we talk about inner child, this is oftentimes young parts of us that have been protecting us for a very long time. And for today, let's just take acknowledgement of what it, what, what happens physically when we are activated in those parts of us. So for me, it's instant grinding of my teeth. Stop breathing, pushing my voice out. What did you say? Your, what happens for you again? I, my whole body, I can feel it coursing through my body. Like I've seen it physically in you. Yeah. The cortisol, this thing that you just did with your wrists and your arms.

Yeah. And I have this really bad habit. I use a pen in my left hand and I've got a callus between my third and fourth finger. And I'll just like push the pen across this part of my hand. And I literally for [00:13:00] years, I mean, I built up a cat. I'm trying not to do it. So it's great. coming down, but I literally have a callus there.

Wow. And that's probably painful, huh? It's not painful in the sense of like, you know, it's an, it's just a nervous habit. Like when I get really, really nervous habit. So we would say something is a nervous habit. What it actually is, is a protector part. Correct. It's a part of us that is in some physicality or even a habitual grinding of the teeth or a habitual clenching or closing off or fists.

Sometimes I'll go into fists when I'm in a, that's a physical embodiment of a protect, a young part of us. Hmm. A young protection mechanism. Actually in the book I have a whole section called Body Parts.

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Now, while it's a self help book, it's based on internal family systems therapy. It's a therapy I've practiced with my therapist for almost a decade. The book Experience of going through this therapeutic journey has allowed me to author 10 books. It's what has allowed me to feel inner freedom and safety.

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So what we're talking about here is recognizing, identifying that there's young wounded parts of us that have had experiences from our past where we have felt unsafe, inadequate, anxious. We didn't have the tools at the time to process that. And so as a result, we've been protecting ourselves with these different habits of like people pleasing or controlling in my case or numbing out, whatever it is that we do.

And then there's physicality that goes along with it. So this first step of just noticing that there's an extreme part of you that's showing up and accepting that's not who I am. It's a part of who I am. And if you ask that part of you how old it is, it's going to say I'm 5, I'm 10, you know, how old is this anxious part of you?

Young. 4 or 5. 4 or 5. Yeah. We learn these. protection mechanisms. We build these protection mechanisms really young. And then we repeat them and repeat them and repeat them. And then our jaw moves and now our face is crooked. Like why? And I literally have like, my jaw has moved. And I've got a callus the [00:18:00] size of an igloo on my hand.

The size of an igloo on your hand. And, and, but we can undo it. We're in our undoing era. Yeah. We're in our undoing era, Ria. Yeah, I'm in my undoing era of really looking at the patterns, the extreme patterns that have held me back, witnessing these patterns of myself as young parts of who I am, that they've been around for so long, protecting me, and that I can connect to them and help them feel safe.

And that's connecting to your inner child. You know, I've, I've lived in California for a long time. Inner child was a very hot topic a while back. And I just, I didn't really get it. It just didn't make sense to me. And I think that it was so isolated in its approach. This just seems much more, it makes more sense to me, I should say, I understand when you talk about that inner healing.

I can, I, like you said, I can identify that. little person. Yeah. And I can be like, oh yeah, I can, I remember doing [00:19:00] that. And I remember doing that. And this made me feel that way, you know, like then it starts to really make sense. Yeah. And I think that, that just speaking about an inner child from like a, separate way of seeing yourself as a child and seeing it something separate but not recognizing that that inner child is still literally running your life.

Correct. And that's the beauty of internal family systems therapy and then in self help I've taken this therapy and I have simplified it into a self help process of recognizing that we're not separate inner children. That's something that happened 50 years ago or 30 years ago or 20 years ago or whatever.

It's actually a young protection mechanism that's still literally in the room right now, in the room right now. And so if we can see how we have these inner children acting out in all these ways in our life, we can say, Oh, my 10 year old self decided to show up to the meeting today, [00:20:00] or my anxious part is protecting me in this moment.

And then as we master the check in process, you have the tools to start to connect to your inner child. And, and for today, I will, I'll start you off with connecting to your inner healer. And that's actually going to be really, really valuable as we start to embark on the journey of self help because the inner healer is self.

The inner healer is in all of us. So, while we have these young protection mechanisms that have been with us forever, we have these, this healer, which is self and self is our undamaged resource adult self that is present right here, right now. It's the ability of you to be able to be curious and talk about the anxiety and not get flooded by while talking about it.

That's self. for me right now to be present with my physical body, to know that there's still tension in my jaw, but it's not totally clenched right now. And I feel safe in this moment. And I'm also aware [00:21:00] that there's these protection mechanisms that come in and swoop in that, that recognizing and witnessing from this sort of neutral loving place is self.

So to connect to self is to connect to your own inner healer. And I think that another thing that we could do today is just to notice just, this is so simple. Just notice that you're not a perfectionist. You have a part of you that's a perfectionist and that's a protection mechanism, right? You're not an anxious person.

You have a part of you that's anxious and it's a young protection mechanism. I'm not a controller. I have a part of me that's controlling and she doesn't need me to. To berate her or yell at her that part of me that's controlling needs me to Compassionately connect to her. I think that's the part that I think is so important is that sort of self judgmental part?

Because I know for me what what any of the parts that are inside me i'm always just like Just get over it or like you haven't grown up [00:22:00] yet or you know.

It's definitely a case with like an addict, for instance, they'd be like, why am I, why do I keep picking up? Why do I keep drinking? And this is so deep because I, I've obviously been sober now where we're a week away from my 19 year sober anniversary. Holy cow. Here we are. Yep. The October 2nd is my sober anniversary.

So we're at the end of September and we're. days away. So when I was early in my sobriety, it was really easy to be like, stop doing that. What's wrong with you? Why do you keep picking up cocaine? Or, you know, when I, before I was sober, right? Why do you keep picking up a drink? And In my sobriety, I had to start to recognize and really it's only in the last five to eight years and particularly the last three years when I started becoming a IFS practitioner and started studying the model and then of course writing this book, that I recognized how my addict part [00:23:00] was A protection mechanism.

That I use drugs and alcohol to anesthetize the pain of the trauma from my childhood. And in the, even just saying that out loud, just now, my whole jaw just relaxed. Holy cow! That's incredible! And so in the witnessing of these extreme parts of who we are inside, seeing them as protection mechanisms that they're young children inside of us that are working so hard to protect us from these extreme feelings from our past.

Even if you just take that in for a moment today, I have done my job. That message alone is enough to start to shift your perception of yourself because you are not an alcoholic and a drug addict. You are a wounded human with trauma and you've been protecting yourself with alcoholism and drugs. And listen, it's a little conflicting, right?

Like in AA, I sit down in a, you'd go into a meeting and you say, hi, I'm Gabby, I'm an alcoholic. And that has a purpose, right? You don't want to forget where you [00:24:00] came from. And what's beautiful actually about that is that it's owning that that is a part of me and that I'm not ashamed of it anymore. Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah. That's exactly my point.

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You know, I, I always come back to something you wrote in one of the books about you're having a conversation with Zach. I think you were in a car, and you said to him, Zach, what would you say to Ollie in this instance? And I always come back to that. It's like, what would I say as part of the inner healing?

What would I say to that little person? Absolutely. The ways that you talk to yourself. You would never speak to a child like that, ever. So what if we started recognizing children inside of us? recognizing that our extreme patterns are just little children that live inside of us and we have to stop shaming them and we have to start compassionately connecting to them.

There's your literally stop because I'm like editing as we go. So it's so funny. It's the truth. I'm going to give you your one liners here. So how do we connect to these younger parts of ourselves? How do we witness the first step is today right here right now. Just recognize, okay, I've got this extreme pattern.

And Gabby's saying, And Josh is saying that this is [00:29:00] actually just a protection mechanism and they're saying that I'm going to learn more about this in the book and I can go deeper into this coming. And I really want to shout this from the rooftops, Josh, I think that self help is the most important book I've ever written because if I can help people connect to self, then they can help themselves and they can really have the most profound life coach, inner healer, spiritual teacher, therapist, inside of themselves, parent, inside of themselves to heal.

And that, that's my mission guys, to help you connect to your resourced adult undamaged self so that you can start to take care of the younger parts of who you are. Start today. You know, when you say it, it sounds very simple, right?

Oh, this is this step we can take. I want to keep it there. I'm not even gonna let you say anything else. I want it to keep. It is simple. It is [00:30:00] the opposite of how we've been thinking, and that's why there's a book that I wrote with 11 chapters to just repeat, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. Read the book, do the practice, read the book, do the practice, read the book, do the practice, and you will change your life.

Period, end of story, period, end of story. Follow these practices, do the simple four steps. Once a day, your life will change. Period, end of story. So I'm going to leave everybody with this. We're coming in hot with this self help, coming in. This book is going to be something I'm going to be. leaking here on this podcast more and more.

And I have a full day masterclass. So if you're thinking that you already know you're going to buy the book and you already want to have a journey with me about the self help journey, go pre order today and get your butt into that self help masterclass, that live online masterclass in November. It's the gift to you with your pre order.

It's a huge event. It's a, it's a huge event. So Go to DearGabby.com/selfhelp. Get your butt into that ticket. You can have a front row seat and I'm going to break down in depth what we've been talking about today. The detailed process of what it means to connect to these parts of us that are so extreme, how we can heal them.

Love it. Yeah. Bye. Thanks for being on the journey with me, Joshie. I love you. Love you and so happy to be here. Thank you everyone for being here on this journey with us. We love you. We are so proud to be with you. We, God, I'm so excited to give you this guidance and these messages and it's go time. So I have another question.

When you do this work, do you begin to see the parts in other people. Oh, yes. But you don't, we don't want to be parts detectors and others because we're not their therapist. We're here to practice self help. What you could do is just [00:32:00] leave the self help book on the desk and let somebody pick it up. But yeah, I mean, Once you start working on your own parts, you see parts everywhere.

You literally start seeing, oh, I have all these young child parts of myself, and they act, and they react, and they move in these ways. And now you're like, holy s t, my husband has a part, or this one has a part. And instead of trying to talk to their part, which you never want to do, what you can do is just in your heart, have compassion for them because you witness them through the lens of their young, so scared, so afraid and controlling and anxious and you see the things that drive you crazy about your spouse or your co workers and instead you look at them through the lens of compassion and love and you say, that's a young part of them that's just really, really protecting them right now.

Yeah, I think for me, I, I definitely, my question is more about empathetically sort of the more compassion you have for yourself, the more compassion you have for others, period. The more calmness you bring into your own life, the more calmness and patience you have for others, period. The [00:33:00] more self energy you acquire, the more self you bring to everyone around you, period.
Amazing. So good.

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