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In today’s episode of Dear Gabby I’m teaching you how to FINALLY break the bad habit that’s been holding you back. 

I’m sharing the exact steps I took to heal my most challenging habits

You’ll also learn:

  • How to form new neural pathways
  • Why abstinence alone isn’t enough to change our behavior
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This episode introduces powerful concepts from my new book, Self Help.

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This isn’t just another self-help book—it’s a revolutionary guide to unlocking SELF energy— your own inner healer. This is the energetic state where old patterns heal, shame and fear dissipate, and you become a MAGNET for your greatest desires.

Ready to transform your life? Click here to order your copy today!

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disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #242 Jan 13, 2025 manifesting

how to break a bad habit

[00:00:00] The following podcast is a dear media production.

Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I'm your host, Gabby Bernstein. And if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you're ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let's get started.

So welcome back to the show, everybody. Welcome back to Dear Gabby. We're still in book launch season here with the self help. This is your chance to change your life. If you're listening to this on Monday, the 6th. You can also tune in this morning. I'm going to be on Good Morning America and the Today Show.

You're going to learn a lot about this book today, wherever you tune in in the world. I'm just so psyched that this is here in the world finally. We've done so much to get this content out. So Joshie here. We are very exciting I mean really beautiful what's really awesome is [00:01:00] that yes Well, we've been sort of teeing this up for a while now And now we can really dive into the sort of meat and potatoes of it because we're here.

Yeah The meat and the potatoes. You and I like meat and potatoes. We do. We go out, we get meat and potatoes.

Oh Lord. Poor Yentas guys. If you didn't know already, Josh and I are like little Jewish Yentas in Florida. Already. Oh yeah. Already. We're totally the Yentas. Okay. Yeah. Let's, let's dive in. Cause today we're talking about changing a bad habit. We're in the second week of the new year. People are trying to create change.

Yeah. They want to create lasting change. Did you know, Josh, that I think it was 80 percent of New Year's resolutions fail after the second week of the year. I'm not surprised because we've talked about this. Like, I feel like New Year's intentions set you up to fail. Yeah. We just did that whole podcast on like intentions versus resolutions.

Yeah. So we should go back and listen to that if you have it. And so I think that there's this message today about creating real [00:02:00] change. real interchange and not being stuck in the patterns and habits that continue to hold us back. Yeah. I think that one of the concepts that's so important in the book is about the protector parts and how they're connected directly to some of our bad habits.

Correct. So let's just do another recap of that. We've been talking about it. We're going to keep talking about it because I go good teacher. I'm going to keep repeating and repeating, repeating. So we have these protection mechanisms that block us. And protection mechanisms for you. You've talked about this, like maybe numbing out with TV or for me, it's hyper vigilance and control or maybe for other people could be perfectionism or it could be people pleasing or it could be protecting yourself with drugs and alcohol or binging and maybe you don't see that as a form of protection, but it's actually anything that we do that's sort of an extreme pattern behavior acted out belief or feeling is often [00:03:00] a form of protection.

And what is it protecting us against it's protecting us against very young impermissible feelings from our childhood You And so if you were to look at those protection mechanisms that you have in place, the habits, the beliefs, the patterns that might be extreme or destructive or just sort of undesirable, and you ask those parts of yourself, you know, how long have you been around?

What would they say, Josh, to you? Long, to me, that's a long time. Mike TV, how long has he been around? Oh, you know, I, oh, a long time. Long time. Like, I mean, as long as I can remember. As long as Josh can remember, he's been numbing out with TV. It's a way of checking out. And that's a protection. That's a protector part.

And that's what we're working with in this book is those parts of us that check out those parts of us that want to numb out the parts of us that want to push down, run from, avoid, anesthetize, squash, just lock up the beliefs and feelings from our youth, from our very extreme [00:04:00] patterns and feelings from our childhood.

And so the patterns that we get into the habits that we want to heal. require deep inner healing. They require an inner adjustment. They first require not going to the little childhood experience because that's for therapy. That's trauma work and that's good work we can do with a one on one therapist or a coach.

But the real work is to start with the first step in the work is to start tending to the protection mechanisms. So if you've got a bad habit on repeat, you always go to the refrigerator and pick up some food every time you get nervous or, you know, anxious or whatever. Or when you feel overwhelmed, you go watch TV or you go control or you rage or what do you do instead of checking out?

It's about having enough space and awareness to choose to check in instead. And so I'll recap the four steps when you have that space and that's what we're gonna talk about in the clip today that we're [00:05:00] going to play. It's a clip from the audio book, which is about creating that space for choice because sometimes it can feel like the choice to check in instead of check out can feel so far from reach.

We can feel like so blended with these protection mechanisms that we can't even possibly pick up a book like this or return to an audio like this podcast or do anything to actually choose to check in. So, in this instance, the choice we have to check in, to heal, to transform those belief systems has to come with a greater awareness of the protection mechanisms.

So for the sake of today, whether you're reading self help or not, by the way, if you're not reading the book, go grab it at your bookstore because you can track along with us here, these four steps. Go to Amazon or Audible or DearGabby.com/selfhelp and go grab self help. This is your chance to change your life because these four steps allow you to undo [00:06:00] the protection mechanism that's keeping you stuck in the habit and the belief that's undesirable or that's blocking you. So that first step is to notice I'm checking out.

So Josh, in your case, when you go to Mike TV, when you, that's your nickname, when you go to, to, to check out with some TV to numb out, Typically, what is the feeling or what's going on for you that makes you want to check out?

Well, there's very two very distinctive modes for me one. I mean, I I consume visual content like crazy whether it's a movie or it's a Play or it's a TV show your passion. It's my passion and I'm very stimulated visually so I know the difference when I'm watching and I'm engaged in a story and I'm following it and you know I'm looking at Nicole Kidman and what she's wearing and how she's behaving and you know that versus [00:07:00] and not necessarily physically but like the emotional like just sort of like couch potato.

Like there's a very different inner experience, somatic experience for me between the two. And I know the difference. What's the feeling when you're in couch potato? Let's do the four steps. Do you want to know? Yeah, sure. I love you. Let's do it. Okay. Okay. So couch potato is a protector part. Mike TV. I'm only naming the part because you have, right?

You can name your own parts. No, that's good. Yeah. So let's choose to check in with couch potato right now. Okay. Do you want to call on Mike TV? You want to call him couch potato? What do you want? You can call Mike TV. Mike TV. Okay. Let's let's call Mike TV and your first step choosing to check in, which is me sort of getting the parts permission.

So Mike, Mike TV is okay to check in. Yeah. You're asking the part. Yeah. Okay, cool. I'm not asking. You're asking. Yeah. Okay. So I've got that buy in you're ready to check in. Step one, that was step one, [00:08:00] focusing your attention inward. And if you want, you can close your eyes if you feel comfortable. This might be emotional.

It could be if you want to be because you're here with me and I love you. So checking in with Mike TV, where do you feel that somatic experience? Where is that in your body? It's In my chest and I would say existing like in a, a sort of ball, like in my chest, my solar plexus. So it's in your chest and your solar plexus.

Yeah. And are there any thoughts or feelings or sensations attached to this part of you? It feels very kinetic. It feels really active, just like this sort of ball of energy that's really tight, but moving. Beautiful. And how old is this part of you? It's old. It's old. Like it's been around for a while. Yeah.

So it's young. Yes. It's a young part. It's an old. It's been with me. It's been around for a [00:09:00] long time. It had an age. How old is it? I would say four. Four years old. Okay. And are there any other images or sensations that he wants to, the part wants to reveal to you? There's an image of me laying on my stomach on a big white fuzzy rug watching TV.

How are you feeling in that moment? Pretty checked out. Checked out. Yeah. Are there any other thoughts or feelings or sensations that Mike TV wants to reveal to you? Yeah, he's he knows that this is a source of comfort When things in the rest of the house are getting kind of crazy. Beautiful.

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focusing your attention to him a little bit more. Now, the [00:13:00] third step is to compassionately connect with him, and you can ask this part of you. What do you need?

Yeah, he needs To feel safe. Needs to feel safe. Does he know that you're here? Yeah, he does now. Does he feel safe towards you? Yeah. How do you feel towards him? I feel a little broken hearted. Yeah.
Did I let him down? Yeah. A little broken hearted on my own. Did I abandon him or leave him on his own?

Or have I not been paying attention? That's another part. That's a judgmental part. Can we ask that judgmental part just to step aside? Okay. You can. Yeah. So Mike TV knows [00:14:00] you're here. How does he feel with you?

He feels good. Great. Can you take that in that he feels good with you? Can you put your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly and give him some breath? Like a really deep, deep, deep breath, just expanding your diaphragm and on the exhale, let it go.

And another breath, Josh, and just let him know that you're here, that he's totally safe right here right now. How do you feel now?

Like that all of energy is, I don't want to say slowing down, but it doesn't feel like it's like firing on all cylinders. Like it was. How do you feel towards him now? I feel good, better, connected. Connected. Nice. Nice. Nice. Nice. There's RC. [00:15:00] I didn't plan that. I swear to God. No, I know. I know. I know. I know. I can witness.

Everyone's going to witness you and feel you doing this in real time. So you feel connected to him. Mm hmm. Beautiful. Can you just let him know as we wrap up this process that you're might connect with him a little bit more often, maybe after he watches the show, before he watches the show while he's watching a show.

It's okay if he wants to get cozy on the floor and watch the shows, but you're also there to help him when he needs you. Let him know that I am grateful to connect with him.

Anything else that he wants to know or wants you to know or what you want to say?

It's not necessarily communicating from, communicated from him, but there's definitely a greater sense of calm between the two of us. A calm harmony inside. [00:16:00] That's what we're going for. Connected, calm, harmonious feeling inside. I just use that word harmonious, just describing what I'm noticing in you.

Take that in. Breathe that in. Feel into that feeling for a little bit. Just be present with it for a little bit and just let it lock in the feeling of that, that it's possible. Get that experience that you can tell yourself and know for yourself that's possible. When you're ready, you can just let him know you're going to be around for him.

Come back whenever you're ready. Yeah. It's amazing. It really works. No, I mean, I don't need to flip. I feel like, first of all, I feel like my voice dropped like two registers, but, uh, Because you dropped in. Yeah. Yeah. The buzzing is not there. You're in your body. No buzzing. You're grounded. Yeah. Calm and connected.

Yeah. Of the C's, I would say calm and connected for [00:17:00] sure. Self. So what we just did for the listener or the viewer who's just new to this is that we went to the protector, this part of you that checks out with the TV, we call him Mike TV, and we chose to check in with him rather than check out and, you know, override him.

We just said, let's talk to him. Let's connect to him. And you focus your attention inward and you chose to check in. And then you got curious about the feeling and the thoughts and the beliefs attached to him. You gave him some breath and then you compassionately connected. Asked what he needed. And then you noticed this calmness and this connection to him emerge naturally.

You said connected. Then you even joked, you know, I didn't plan that, which is true. You did it because I saw it happen real time. And that is the process. That we're in this dissociated, checked out place that we don't want to feel the feelings, but instead if we just check in with the protection mechanism and we start to give it attention and calmness and [00:18:00] clarity and compassion, then the self energy begins to emerge and self is the C qualities of clarity, calm, connection, confidence, courage, confidence, and even the courage came through for you.

You just started grounding in your body here. He said, Josh even said, my voice got lower, which means connection, right? Your belly breath. resonance. That's the magic of these four steps. We did a little bit longer than you need to even do. Right. So somebody could do this in two minutes, one minute. I don't care.

I think, you know, obviously I'm so fortunate to have you coach me through it. But it is something I feel like I can do on my own. That's the whole point. Yeah. Cause this is a truncated version, a self help practice related to a therapy called IFS and the IFS therapy is much, much more in depth than what we just did, but we don't all have access to that.

So that's why this is here. So you can do these practices for yourself. Now in [00:19:00] the clip that we're about to play, we talk about the choice and really the choice that we have to choose to check in instead of check out that space, that that space between the stimulus and the response. And so I feel like the next step here would be to play that clip.

Yeah. Give people a good sense of how this works and why this practice will break a bad habit. Yeah. I think as we lead into it, for me, I want to emphasize that it's not just an exercise. Like it's not just a thing to do. It's a, it's transformative. It really is. Let's play the clip.

New neural pathways and habitual patterns. By following the four step check in and connecting to your inner world, you're creating a safe internal experience, a place where all your parts are welcome, seen, and respected. Each time you check in with a protector part, you create a new pattern, a curious [00:20:00] connection, that takes the place of your responses to a trigger.

The repetition of this behavior will help you establish new neural pathways in your brain. This is why I continue to return to the check in process throughout the book. In each chapter, I'll guide you to practice this four step check in process to help you create the habit of choosing to connect inward when you're activated, to become curious about the parts that are triggered, and offer them support in the moment.

These four steps are designed to help you witness your parts through the lens of self, the presence of love, an intuitive nature that you can trust. This will be the greatest relationship of your life. My hope is that this process offers you a new way of relating to yourself and an opportunity to feel safe inside.

I see this as the ultimate self help guide that will empower you to know that there is always support available to you, the infinite support of self. In addition, this book will guide you on your path toward even deeper therapeutic and spiritual development. [00:21:00] It may guide you toward an IFS therapist office.

help you on your journey to sobriety, or inspire you to delve deeper in your spiritual practice. This audiobook is designed to offer you an accessible inroad to a new and miraculous way of living. The power to choose a new perception. There's a famous line often attributed to Viktor Frankl, between stimulus and response, there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. This truth embodies the entire essence of the IFS informed practices in this book. When we slow down enough to turn inward and tend to our protector parts, we can experience the space between stimulus and response.

In that space, we detach from the stronghold of the protector. Witness it as a part and clear space for [00:22:00] self to help. This spacious opening allows for self energy to permeate our being, opening our heart to the activated parts of ourselves. Extending compassion and establishing connection, accepting self as your inner guide will help you choose to perceive your parts and your life through the lens of love.

That was a really beautiful piece. I have to say, I mean, it covers a lot and it really supports the efficacy of this method as well. Yeah, it really does. It clarifies why it creates change. So if you've got a bad habit. For an undesirable pattern, having the awareness of that pattern and choosing to check in with it is the flex.

It's the change. It's how we do the, it's how we create the change, right? And the lasting change. It's not forceful. It's not controlling. It's [00:23:00] gentle. Real change has to come through that gentle process of choosing to turn inward. Like you said, it allows for that, the space to make those changes, right? Yeah, exactly.

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Sometimes we don't actually let our. [00:28:00] nervous system catch up with the change because we're trying to affirm something different or override it, really. But this is about going into it and letting it emerge and change naturally. And as you said, like, it's about being your own inner guide. That's kind of what I was referring to before when you were coaching me through it.

That's beautiful. And I'm very fortunate to be my own guide through it. Correct. Like what happened for you when we did our demo is that you actually felt, Oh, I'm connected and I'm calm and I'm able to provide that connected calmness for this young part of myself. I don't need. my husband to do it. I don't need my co workers to do it.

I don't need my therapist to do it. I can do it. We were talking about bad habits, right? So, and why they're hard to break. And I think the sort of message as we continue this conversation is that the inner [00:29:00] work is the key. So that being said, like, how would you define the difference between just a bad habit and an addiction?

So the difference between a bad habit and an addiction is that The addiction is just a more extreme version of the bad habit. So any habits that we have that are undesirable, let's not call them bad, let's just be gentle with them, that are undesirable or, or creating a little chaos in our life or maybe a little bit unmanageable.

They're just a low level form of addiction, undesirable or extreme habits or unmanageable habits are a form of protection and we use them to manage the big feelings that we don't want to face. When those habits become addiction or addictive processes like alcoholism or drug addiction or love addiction or food addiction, it's just a more blown out extreme habit.

And IFS is called a firefighter. Hmm. Whereas the habits, the day to day [00:30:00] habits are often called managers or protectors or managers. And then the firefighters are more extreme habits to put out the fire. Both, both are trying to numb out and anesthetize the deeper wound. I think what you said was really important because I, I oftentimes think that we hear the word addiction and immediately it's like alcoholism, it's drugs, but arguably Mike TV is addiction.

Correct. Correct. Big time. So, is there any sort of secret to breaking these habits for good? The secret to changing bad habits and addictive practices is inside the pages of self help. Period. Period. Period. Period. To heal an addictive process or a bad Bad habit or pattern or undesirable pattern or behavior has to happen with a gentle, compassionate, connected inquiry inside.[00:31:00]

We have to offer these patterns and behaviors, curiosity, compassion, and connection to get to know what they need so that they can feel safe inside of us. And in that presence of safety, they don't have to act out in the pattern or behavior. That's the process. Thanks. That's the key. That's the secret. We talked about this in one of our previous conversations, and I used the word beat down those things.

And you're like, let's not use the word beat down. A hundred percent. I mean, I was even working with my therapist yesterday and I was like, I'm ready to let her go to get rid of it. And she was like, and then I said, okay, you know what? I'm ready to meet that part of myself. and help her heal. And I think that gentleness is so important for, I know for me, because I do tend to want to sort of aggressively.

Oh yeah, that's how most people live. They're like, oh, I'm going to get rid of this addiction or get rid of this pattern or get rid of or push it away or stop it, force it to stop. [00:32:00] It doesn't work. And I know the answer to this question, but I'm interested to hear what you say, like, in terms of like how long it takes to change the behavior or, or break this habit.

So the good news is, is that you can feel relief right away. So, once you start practicing the four step check in process inside self help, you begin to feel relief instantly. And that relief, like you just experienced, Josh, with the calm connectedness, that relief that you experience is emotional proof, it's spiritual proof that there's safety inside.

And the more you check in, maybe one minute a day, the more you check in, the more proof you get. The more proof you get that self is there, the more you trust that self energy, self being the inner healer, the compassion, the calm, the connection. And so the more you check in, the more self emerges, the more self that emerges, the more you trust self, the more you trust self, the more you want to check in and rinse and repeat.

And then self becomes more and more [00:33:00] present. And then self starts to become more of a present energy in your life that really begins to be easier to access. And that's how that change starts to occur. So really it works if you work it as they say in the 12 steps. So if you really want more fast change right now, go practice these steps all day long.

Do all the, do the four steps multiple times a day. Big change is available to you right now. Do I check in only when I'm like feeling out of sorts or is it something like you said that like I could make part of my daily routine? Part of your daily routine. I check in when I wake up in the morning, when I wake up, my, my brain immediately starts going to all the things that I need to fix or think about or who I need to reach out to.

And so I check in with that part. That's my morning meditation. Check in with the park. Then I'll go and start making my coffee and a new thing will happen. And I'll call Jessica, my chief of staff, who we all love. And I'll be like unloading it on her. And then I'll be like, okay, don't unload it on Jessica.

Check in instead. And she's all throughout the [00:34:00] day. Leaving our listeners with more takeaway. What would you say the first step is that listeners can take to day? The first step that you can take today to make and create a change is to just become clear about the habits and the patterns and the systems that are holding you back and blocking your good feeling emotions.

Just become clear about it with love. Just make a love list of those patterns and habits. Then come back to this episode or pick up self help and practice the four steps with those habits and those belief systems. That's amazing. And so, again, I love the fact that we're, you're giving people things, really tangible things to sort of go take and work on and, you know, one of the things that occurred to me and we can sort of close out on this is that these conversations right now that we're having, that you're having with me are like mini workshops of the book.

So when you said go get the book, it's almost like, yes, like it's a sort of [00:35:00] guided path through the book too. It's a guided path through the book. I can take you through it. We're going to give you guys in the podcast some, uh, live talks and some Q and A's from my live talks.

We're going to hear people that have gone through these practices. So it's quite exciting. Really exciting. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's do it.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you're truly committed to miracles. I'm really proud of you. If you want to get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode, make sure to subscribe. So you don't miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience of this show means a lot to me.

So I really want to welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media at Gabby Bernstein. And if you want to get in on the actions. Sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby'd live at DearGabby.com. See you next week.[00:36:00] 

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace.

This I'm not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.