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Do you ever feel like you’re on a loop, attracting the same “wrong” person over and over? If you’re moving through a difficult breakup or feeling stuck in unhealthy dynamics, I want you to know: it’s not a coincidence. These patterns are spiritual assignments mirroring the parts of you that are ready to be healed.

In this teaching, I’m showing you how to stop blaming the world and start recognizing your own energetic contribution to these cycles. We’re getting to the root cause of your core wounds so you can finally become an energetic match for the love you deserve.

In this episode, I’ll teach you:

  • How to Turn Your Triggers Into Transformations: I’ll walk you through a 4-step check-in process (based on Internal Family Systems) to help you stop reacting to drama and start growing from it.
  • The Power of Sincere Amends: Learn why taking care of “your side of the street” is a gift you give yourself that instantly shifts the energy of a relationship.
  • How to See Yourself First: I’m sharing journal prompts to help you compassionately witness yourself and raise your self-worth.

A note of clarity: This is about self-healing and breaking internal patterns—it is never about overriding yourself to stay in a harmful or abusive situation.

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disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #303 Feb 09, 2026 relationships

how to break the cycle of toxic relationship patterns

[00:00:00] The following podcast is a dear media production.

Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I'm your host Gabby Bernstein, and if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you're ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let's get started.

Welcome back to Dear Gabby. I'm so psyched to share that I'm going on tour. I've got the time to trust tour coming your way. This year I'm gonna be in New York, la, Boston, London, and Miami. And if you're a member of my community, you get ex. Exclusive presale access before tickets go on sale to the public, and presale actually starts tomorrow, February 10th at 10:00 AM local time.

All the details for these events are at dear gabby.com/events, and you can use the presale code trust. These events [00:01:00] always sell out. They are live talks where I am gonna take you through a journey of really getting into a heart-centered place and trusting that you're divinely guided. Trusting that the universe is showing you where to go and what to do, opening up your super attractor power, and also connecting with community, which is what we need most right now.

The presale ticket goes on sale February 10th at 10:00 AM local time. So go to dear gabby.com/events to secure your spot and use the code trust for the best price. And these events will. Sell out, so go grab your tickets. I'm also holding two weekend retreats in 2026. One is at Blue Sky Hotel and Resort in Utah, which is a Aubert property, and it's absolutely amazing and it's actually pretty much sold out.

So there're probably only a handful of tickets left again. That's at the link dear gabby.com/events. And I'm also speaking at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck this summer, which is my favorite thing to do these spiritual weekend retreats. This is [00:02:00] gonna just rock your world and there are limited spaces available.

So again, go to dear gabby.com/events to get all the details and book now. Now let's dive into the episode. Today's episode is about healing toxic relationship patterns and why we keep attracting the same dynamics, and how we can use my step-by-step process to transform your triggers and root causes so that you can heal your relationships for good.

Now, I wanna show you what this looks like in real life. You just learned the internal process, checking in with the feeling, getting curious. Offering compassion, finding self energy. The next step is bringing that energy into your relationships through boundaries, and these two conversations show exactly how to do that with love instead of defense.

Today I am teaching you how to heal toxic relationship patterns if you're coming off of a difficult breakup or if you're stuck in unhealthy relationship [00:03:00] patterns. And if you're attracting the wrong person over and over and over again. This episode will help you stop repeating toxic relationship patterns for good, and it's gonna open the door for a deeper connection.

This is about moving beyond surface level drama. It's about. Going into a deep spiritual healing, and this is a healing that's gonna change your relationships forever. This episode will show you how to turn your triggers into transformations, and it's time to stop repeating the past. And it's time to start attracting a relationship that mirrors your real inner peace, mirrors your worthiness, mirrors what you really want for yourself.

And before we dive in, I wanna clarify something important. This episode is about self-healing. It's about breaking toxic relationship patterns, but it's not about overriding yourself, it's not about staying in harmful relationships. So understand the clarity there. Now let's take a closer look at the patterns that keep you stuck in toxic relationships.

Let's talk about why we keep attracting the same person. Your relationships in your life are a mirror reflection of what's happening inside of you, so those toxic relationships are actually [00:04:00] mirroring what needs to be healed. You're actually missing the healing that's meant for you. Universe is gonna keep sending you that same person over and over and over again.

You're gonna be like, why universe? Why it's gonna keep happening? Because it's a spiritual assignment. And if we don't show up for those spiritual assignments, we're just gonna literally be attracting the same relationship over and over and over again just in a different body. And you're gonna look at it and you're gonna be like, how did this happen again?

Why? What is this? Why am I constantly attracting the same drama? Why am I attracting the same toxicity? It's because you're not addressing your own core wounds. You're not looking in the mirror and recognizing my point of attraction. Is a belief inside of me. I'm attracting what I believe. I'm attracting what I think I'm worthy of.

I'm attracting my likeness. So right here, right now, you can actually shift from why are you doing this to me? To what is this relationship here to teach me? When you make that shift and you just start to look at that partner, that person you were dating. That [00:05:00] X, that new relationship, that drama and relationships that you keep repeating all the toxic patterns and all the toxic people, and you stop blaming everyone else and you start asking yourself, what is the spiritual assignment?

What is this here to teach me? That's when everything starts to change. Because you'd stop blaming the world and you start recognizing that you are energetically contributing to this pattern. Now, that might be a hard pill to swallow because you might be thinking, God, I'm in this horrible relationship.

How is this my pattern? How is this my inner story? Well, if you didn't have the beliefs that you carry, you would not be a match for that relationship. Let me repeat that. If you had different beliefs, you would not be a match for that relationship. You are attracting relationships that reflect what you believe about yourself.

Again, I know that's hard to hear, but I just wanna be honest with you, we gotta get to the root cause here and I'm gonna move now into the next step and without. This next step, you're going to keep reacting to the drama instead of growing from it. So let's take this further. Right now, I'm [00:06:00] gonna show you how to turn your most painful triggers into teachers.

We're gonna heal that conflict cycle for good. This practice, when applied regularly, allows you to see those triggers as teachers in the moment, allows you to have this massive shift. The people who trigger you most are your greatest spiritual teachers. Every single relationship conflict that you have is actually an invitation to grow spiritually.

Let's do a little lesson. List the last three relationships that triggered you most and ask yourself, what was the one common feeling that they all triggered in you? That feeling is the part of you that needs your attention today. That's your spiritual assignment. And that feeling that you just identified, that feeling's actually a part of you, that when it gets activated.

Puts you into a trigger response. Let's address the feeling so you don't have to live in the reactive state all the time. I'm gonna teach you right now the most profound lesson that has transformed all of my relationships. It's transformed my marriage. It's transformed my relationship to my family members.

To my coworkers. It has [00:07:00] radically changed the way I run my business because I'm no longer running my life and my relationships from a triggered defensive protective place, I have been able to tend to the feeling inside. And as a result of tending to that feeling inside, I am now feeling a sense of safety, a sense of knowing that there's an internal healer inside of me that can show up for me.

When I get activated by others and by having this tool, I'm no longer the victim of the people in my life and their attitudes. I can rely on my own inner serenity, my own calm, and my own safety. This is the four step check-in process for my book Self-Help. Listen guys, this is probably one of the most important books I've ever written.

It's based on the practices of internal family systems therapy, a therapy that I've been trained in, and a therapy that I've been given the blessing of turning into a self-help practice. When you practice these four simple steps. You change your beliefs about yourself, you come that trigger response and you [00:08:00] become a new energetic frequency aligning with that new energy.

You become a different person, literally, and you're no longer a match for other people's bullshit. When you're no longer a match for other people's bullshit, you start to attract different relationships into your life. Those toxic relationship patterns unwind and you become free. You know how to take care of yourself, and you're no longer looking for the other to take care of you.

Everything changes. So follow me right now with these four steps, but I've linked the book below. And if you're feeling like, yeah, I want more, Gabby, give me more, give me the keys, the secrets to relationships. Read that book. Trust me, you'll thank me later. So here we go. Let's dive in. This is a four step practice of checking in with the feeling that happens before you get triggered.

That feeling that gets activated when that person in your life triggers you. Maybe that feeling is connected to a belief. Maybe that feeling is a reactive behavior. Let's just call it by its name and check in with it today.[00:09:00] 

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I wanna feel strong, I wanna be capable, I wanna be vibrant, I wanna be clear. And that's why I started using Creat Tone by Brick House Nutrition. I had tried. Every creatine supplement, and they'd all made me really bloated and they made me feel like being out. I couldn't wear my jeans anymore. It was super uncomfortable.

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So the first step is to notice the feeling that you [00:14:00] identified that feeling that gets super activated when people trigger you. And let's check in with it. I want you to gently maybe close your eyes if you feel comfortable, or just follow my guidance and focus your attention inward. Checking in with that part of you checking in with the feeling.

Now, become curious about it. Where does it live in your body? Is it in your fists? Is it in your jaw? Is it in your head, in your belly? Where do you feel it? What do you know about it? Are there any thoughts or feelings or sensations that are attached to it? Just notice what you notice. Give it that curiosity.
And now when you have a little bit of connection to that feeling, give it a little breath. Breathe into the space where you feel it most. Let it go. 

And now with that connection, let's extend some compassion to that feeling. [00:15:00] Just ask it now. What do you need? Listen, just let that feeling reveal what it needs. Take a deep breath in and send some breath to that feeling now. Just notice the shift inside. You have a sensation of calm. Do you feel more curious? You have some clarity. You feel compassion towards that part of you, you feel connected to it.

Do you feel some courage to speak up and to care for it? Some confidence coming forward? Just notice what you notice. Just take another deep breath in, [00:16:00] just let it go. And when you're ready, open your eyes. Just get grounded back into your body.

Wanna ask yourself some questions like, how do you feel now? What was the shift that you felt inside? Do you feel more calm, feel more connected? Those four steps are something that I want you to master. First step is choosing to check in. The second step is becoming curious about the feeling inside. Third step is compassionate connection, which is asking, what do you need?

The fourth step is just checking for those see qualities. That's self energy, calmness, connection, compassion and curiosity, courage, creativity, clarity. Just notice what you notice. You can master those steps with the book or you can just keep coming back to this episode. When you master those steps, you recognize that you now have a [00:17:00] tool to self-soothe.

You have a tool to reconnect. You have a tool to. Disengage from that burdened feeling of the attack or the trigger. You no longer have to be the victim of the trigger or the person you can heal inside. This is how you change your own point of attraction and start to rewire your inner system. It's a practice that needs to be repeated and repeated and repeated.

I do this practice 15 times a day. I've mastered it. It's in my head. I just sit down and I check in. I check in. I check in. Every time I wanna check out, every time I wanna rage, every time I wanna blame the other person I check in. Remember the outside world. The people in your life are a mirror reflection of what needs to be healed inside of you.

So when you get triggered, let that trigger be a cue. This is something that I can check in with. Let that reactive protection feeling be a cue. This is something I can check in with. Every time you get into a fight, check in with your own feelings every time you go back into the [00:18:00] toxic pattern. Check in with the habit.

Check in with the belief. Check in with the feeling. The more you check in, the less you check out, and the more you send a message to your internal nervous system. Hey, it's safe inside. It's safe to be with me. I can help heal myself. I can self-soothe. And that brings us to the next step. This is a really crucial step, and without this step, we really can't see the big transformation come into our relationships.

I'm about to show you how to take care of your side of the street. We can do this inner work. We can start to heal our inner world like we just did. If we don't take care of the past, we can oftentimes carry it with us. This is one practice that's gonna instantly shift the energy of any relationship. If you've got relationship issues, first, take care of your side of the street.

In the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's a step called step nine. This is about making amends and taking responsibility and offering a sincere amends and apology unless it would cause harm to the other [00:19:00] person. And I recently experienced this ninth step, this amends in real time with my husband.

It was a spontaneous amends for many, many months. My husband kept saying, you're being so mean to me. You're being so mean to me. And to be honest with you, he was right. I was actually going through a major hormonal upheaval, and ladies, if you're going through menopause or perimenopause, you know what I'm talking about.

And it was rocking my world. I literally had dashboard punching rage, like if you said the wrong thing to me, it was F-bombs and rage coming out of my ears. And so, yeah, I was being mean. I didn't have control over it. I was not properly medicated yet, and I was. Flipping out, losing my shit, and I felt like I was the victim.

I kept feeling like, of course I'm being mean to you. I'm going through a hormonal upheaval. Stop being upset about it. Stop being mad at me. And so I resented him more because he was mad that I was being mean, and I had no control over my attitude or my energy. And so [00:20:00] finally I got myself to a really safe baseline with my hormones, and I was taking some hormone replacement therapy, and I started taking the right supplements and I was doing all the things I needed to do to get back to normalcy.

And in this new normal state, I had a little bit of awareness of what he was going through. One afternoon, we were in the kitchen and I looked at him and I said, I wanna apologize. I wanna apologize for being mean to you. And there was no, but that came after that and there was no explaining myself and there was no justification.

It was just an apology. I recognize it's been hard for you and I'm sorry. This moment shifted my relationship with my husband forever. He looked at me with a new set of eyes. He looked at me with grace. He looked at me with ease. He was like relieved. It wasn't about me and my experience, it was about taking care of my side of the street.

Okay? I was going through something hormonal that I couldn't control, but now I had enough awareness to see how it affected him. And I'd made [00:21:00] amends, no buts, no justifications, just an amend. And so right now, I want you to consider that amends coming from you. What would that look like? How would that feel?

Think of somebody who you may need to make an amends with and think about it and get honest with yourself. And remember, this isn't about all of the things that they did to you. This is about you and your side of the street. What is it that you need to clear? This amends process is a gift that you give yourself.
Yes, the other person will benefit from the relief of hearing your apology, but this is a gift that you give yourself. So I want you to write a list of the people or maybe just lean on one person that you're ready to make an amends to, and I want you to write a letter to them. This is a letter that right now could be just for you.

You don't have to do anything with it. And just write this letter of amends. Just say, I'm sorry for all the things that I did. I'm sorry for my attitude, I'm sorry for my behavior. Just let it out. Put it into writing. You can hold it. You don't have to send it. You don't have to say it. You can just sit with it for 21 days.

I [00:22:00] want you to prey on it. I want you to open your heart to the willingness to make the amends. Just pray and be willing, and then witness what unfolds naturally. You'll be blown away. You might have a spontaneous amends. My guess is that you will. That step is so major, but without the next step, you're gonna keep waiting for someone else to change before you allow yourself to be happy.

This is the final step that's gonna help you become the energetic match to the relationship that you want. One of the most painful parts of toxic relationships is this endless need to explain yourself and to defend yourself and to protect yourself. Healing really begins when you stop asking, how can I make them see me?

And start asking yourself, how could I see myself right now? How can I see myself right now? And so I want you to choose one way that you can start to really see yourself more. Maybe it's doing that self-help check-in every day for 21 days, maybe for the next week. You spend 10 minutes a night just journaling.

And here's the most important [00:23:00] prompt that you can ask yourself in your journal. What do I need right now? Let your pen flow. Honor everything that comes up for you. Feel the feelings of what you write. Compassionately. See every part of you just unfold onto the page. Just witness yourself with that lens of compassion.

You can even do that four step check-in on the page. You can check in with the triggered part. You can become curious about it. You can ask it what it needs, and then notice the shift inside. So to wrap up all of these lessons, I want you to remember this, my friends, I want you to remember this. Breaking free from toxic patterns isn't about changing the other people around you.

It's about changing the relationship you have with yourself. We covered a lot today. We covered so much. We covered how you view your relationships as spiritual assignments and you can start to shift instead of focusing on the problem, you start looking in the mirror and you notice up, there's something I need to heal inside.

We [00:24:00] talked about using triggers as portals and seeing them as opportunities to be lessons for more healing. And we recognize that rather than reacting, we can pause and we can ask that young part of us, what do you need? What do you need in this moment? We also discuss what it means to clean up your side of the street.

Practice that humility, make an amends and not justify it. No buts, just an amends. And finally, we explored how to stop the cycle of explaining and shifting from how can I make them see me? To how can I see myself? Lemme just tell you something. If you commit to this inner work, everything can change. Your toxic patterns will heal.

You will no longer be a point of attraction for other people's. Bullshit. You'll be. An energetic alignment for a healthy, happy relationship. You'll become magnetic. You'll start to attract more love, respect, depth. You're gonna feel like you deserve the love that is coming to you, and you've always deserved that healing.

It doesn't necessarily [00:25:00] happen overnight, but it does happen. One small shift at a time. I'm always gonna remind you that it's lots of little right actions. If you take one of the lessons from this episode and you apply it every single day, you're gonna see radical change in your life, my friend. I promise you that, and I encourage you to just go deeper here.

And so if you want further support, I made a free meditation for you. And this is a free guided meditation to heal your relationships, and you can get it for free. At the link in the show notes. I want you to just give yourself permission to go deeper with that meditation. It's totally free. It's your guided practice.

It's gonna help you get grounded in your own self-worth. Now I wanna show you what this looks like in real life. You just learned the internal process, checking in with the feeling, getting curious, offering compassion, finding self energy. The next step is bringing that energy into your relationships through boundaries.

And these two conversations show exactly how to do that with love instead of defense.  Hi, this is my first time being picked, so I'm very excited. Nice. Awesome. [00:26:00] Welcome to the show. 

One thing I wanted to ask you. I guess sometimes I'm not sure when to take an action based on a feeling I may have, or to stay the course and just kind of like let the universe redirect me.

Like specifically with my relationship, there are times where I wonder if, you know, I think that it's really aligned with me and it's really, you know, the relationship that I should be in. And a lot of times I feel like it is. You know, a great relationship and it's been bringing about so much positive change in my life, but sometimes I'm like, I'm not sure.

So I've been staying the course and just kind of focusing on what I'm manifesting instead of focusing on the relationship or the person. And so just kind of going back to the place of focusing on, you know, what I want to attract into my life. 

What kind of boundary though do you wanna create today in this relationship?Well, today there's probably a, a couple boundaries, but one boundary is, you know, I've been [00:27:00] working on myself a lot and I think like sometimes my partner can be a little bit too like on me about some of the things that he thinks I need to work on. And so I need him to understand that, you know, um, he needs to just trust me that I'm working on things and he doesn't necessarily need to.

Like, remind me as much or point out everything or spend as much time discussing things that he thinks are a concern and just kind of like allow me that space. 

Okay. So you are gonna create a boundary where you want space to do your work without judgment. 
Yeah,  so let's do the steps really quickly together. Okay. Step one, I want you to put your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly, and I want you to just give yourself a moment to just breathe. Maybe close your eyes, send some [00:28:00] compassion to yourself for all the hard work that you're doing to grow and to change. Give yourself a lot of love. Just pride and courage.

All the courage you have to speak up for yourself today. It's so excellent. Beautiful job, Lauren. You're a rockstar. Just keep breathing into that space. And now in your own words, just say to me what clearly it is that you want from him today. What do you clearly want from him? From this place of love? 

I clearly want him to be more selective with. The things that he wants to bring to my attention that he thinks are, you know, a concern. I want him to be more selective and limited. 

What's a very empowering, positive way of saying that? I appreciate the role he's playing in kind of helping me through my growth and bringing my awareness to things that.[00:29:00] 
I had blinders on before and it's been very, very, like, helpful and, and I know it's coming from a very loving place, but right now I just need time to, you know, work on things without being like, reminded of them as much. Okay, that felt a lot better. So I appreciate your interest in my personal growth, and I just wanna create some space.

To do it without the reminders and you know, and I'm gonna challenge you to, and then the third step, of course, is to let go of his outcome. But I feel like you're pretty confident there. And then the fourth step is to be patient because he's gonna probably mess up, you know, he is gonna mix up the boundary and you wanna come back and just say, Hey, let's do that again.

You know? But the one place I wanna tweak is the love part. Before you meet up with him today, I want you to spend about a half hour meditating with your heart. Holding your heart and being in deep meditation and sending him love and compassion and thanking him for being the most divine spiritual assignment to [00:30:00] bring up all your shit so that you can heal and thanking him for his interest in your recovery and just getting into that full bodied place of love because hearing you speak about it right here, right now with clarity clarity's there, but the love is missing.

I feel a lot of resentment in that. And I don't want you to do this until you're in that place of love. If you're not in that love centered place, don't create the boundary, because all you're gonna create is more drama. 

So just keep at it with the love. Okay? Keep grounding in the love. Okay? Trusting in the love. Yeah. 
It doesn't come forward today. Sat back in tomorrow, right? But don't deny the boundary. It's possibility of a miracle. By not giving it the backbone of love. 

Okay. That makes sense. Yeah, definitely. And, and probably even in this conversation, I didn't like necessarily bring all the love that I might have brought if he [00:31:00] was like here. But I think it's really good that that was like how it came through right now. 

And also like the part of you that's defensive and the part of you that's a little bit like, you know, Hey, I don't want you to do it this way. That's just a part of you that's protecting you from the feeling of being judged or the feeling of being not good enough or inadequate.

And so I want you to also send a tremendous amount of love, heart-centered love and compassion to the part of you that feels defensive. 

Okay? And when you step into this conversation from that heart-centered place, you can just say to that part of you that's like, I'm gonna fight for myself. You know, the part of you that feels like defensive, I guess.

Yeah. You know what? Do you mind taking like a break for the next 20 minutes and just like step aside, maybe you go outside and have a coffee. I'm gonna just be in love right now. Okay. Okay. And like, because that part has a role, you know, like protecting you, but it's not helping the relationship. 
Okay. 

Does this make sense to you? This is internal family systems therapy that we're talking about. Okay, [00:32:00] cool. 

Yeah, no, this makes a lot of sense. Yeah.  Excellent. Okay. And the way to relax that part of you that's defensive is just to be compassionate towards it. 

Okay.  Be like, oh, there's my defensive part. Okay, I'm going to give it some love and I'm gonna ask it to take a little break this afternoon when I go and meet up with my partner and just ask it to not show up during the conversation.

And if I just keep coming back to compassion, and compassion and connection and calmness, I'm gonna be able to deliver this message in a way that will be heard. 

You like really hit the nail on the head. Like, I can be very like defensive and like, apparently it came through and you picked up on it. So thank you so much for that.

Honestly, it takes one to know. One more. I can, I can do so much. Great. Here, Gabby, work with all of you because I recognize myself in all of you. Right? So we're doing, we're all in this together. 

Okay. Awesome. Thank you so much. If you're in, if you're in a place of love though, my love, if you're really in love and you're really in compassion and connection, you can trust that you can't pick it up.

Okay, I can see that. Yeah. Great. Beautiful work, Lauren. Thank you. Good luck. Let me know how it goes. All right, next one. 

Hi Gabby. How are you? I'm good. So what this brought up for me is see if you can make. Some clarity out of this. So I'm actually attached, and with that comes, I'm also a people pleaser. So boundaries is really hard for me.

Yeah. It's, it's work. I'm starting to work on it. I'm getting back into therapy. I get my self worth from being, you know, a people pleaser. I do a lot of volunteer for a, a recovery community. Good for you. Yeah. You're on expense, but you're overriding [00:34:00] yourself it sounds like. So here's the deal, Jen. Often when we.

Get clean and sober, our other addictions can start to come to the surface. For many of us, including myself, who have chosen a sober path, can quickly be met with the codependent behavior of needing to be seen, needing to feel good enough, and doing that at the expense of ourselves, right? So caring for others so that we can feel good enough.

That we can feel adequate, lovable, that we can feel safe in the world. And while that caregiving is such an amazing quality and it's a beautiful part, we don't wanna lose that part, but we don't want it to be so extreme that we override ourselves and in many cases become sick as a result of it. I've seen a lot of [00:35:00] people, you know, burnout from people being burnout.

Yeah, yeah. Big time. And I'm seeing that you're, you're just, you know, really showing me here clearly. So let's start small and simple. Okay. And we'll use the steps that I shared with you today. So let's pick a relationship in your life. You don't have to say it here if you don't want to, but a relationship in your life that feels safe.

Maybe it's with a member of your sober community, somebody that you trust, uh, uh, more than others to practice with. Okay? Okay. Okay, cool. 

Yeah. Awesome. And then think about like a very simple boundary. Maybe it's just like, can't come to that breakfast next week. Or, sorry, I can't pick you up tomorrow, or whatever it is.

Something that feels. Like, it's not the biggest deal in the world, okay? And I want you to use these four steps with this seemingly insignificant request of a boundary with somebody who feels somewhat safe. For someone who is [00:36:00] really defined by people pleasing and is addicted to it. This might even feel terrifying.

What I'm asking you right now might even feel terrifying. And I'm looking at your face and you're like, yes, it's, yeah, but I wanna practice, right? Because it's, you know, progress, not perfection as you know.

So let's do something slow and let's just start to build the muscle. So what would you do? You would get into that heart-centered place, and you can even put your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly with me right now and just breathe and just ground yourself and just continue to affirm to yourself as long as you need to, to get to that place of safety.

It doesn't have to be here. It can be all throughout the next week, even if you need a week to do it. It's affirming that I can indeed care for myself. Create boundaries with love in this situation. Maybe just as keeping it very clear and simple in this situation, that feels safe for me. I can create boundaries with love and really grounding yourself and relaxing yourself in that sense of safety.

Then the second step is [00:37:00] clarity. Getting really clear. Maybe you journal about it, maybe you talk about it with a friend that you trust. Getting really clear what is the boundary that you're gonna practice with. I'm not gonna pick you up at three o'clock 'cause I've got something I need to do for myself.

Whatever it is. Getting crystal clear. And then the third step, which is gonna be the hardest for you, is letting go of the outcome. Letting go of what they're gonna think of you. Okay? And sometimes you have to just fake it till you make it and trust me, okay? Trust me in that if you meet somebody with that energy of love and clarity.

Speak to them with that energy of love and clarity. No matter how disappointed they may be in what you're asking for, they'll be met with love and they'll react and respond with love. It's a leap. It's a risk you take by stepping outside your comfort zone. Same way. It's a risk you take by not [00:38:00] picking up a drink that day, deciding to stay clean and sober.

And then the fourth step of being patient. In this case, I want you to be patient with yourself, Jen. Because this is a new behavior that is a sober behavior, right? In sobriety we talk about radical honesty and just truth telling. And when we don't have boundaries, we're not telling our own truth. We're not offering up our truth.

So by really living these practices, you're actually becoming more sober woman. You're strengthening your recovery is the next level in your recovery. Okay, love. Be more authentic, you know, Absolutely. 

And it's like the rational part of me knows like if I start doing so much stuff on my own expense, then I'm gonna start getting resentful. A hundred percent. 

That's right. And my friends are gonna pick up on that, pick up on that energy. 

So it gives you the opposite result of what it is that you're ultimately gunning for, right? Like you want [00:39:00] the relationship and the connection. The thing that we forget is we don't establish a relationship and connection by overriding ourselves doing everything and showing up for everyone at our own expense to the point where we feel resentful that actually that just weakens the connection.

I think about this with how we parent and how we love and how we relate. Right now in my job, in my company, I offer radical honesty. And I've said some really tough to people like, you know, this ain't working out. And I do it with a lot of love and clarity and clear boundaries. And I often have the person hearing me go through a list of things that aren't working and they come back around and say, Gabby, thank you so much for your clarity.

It's really supporting me. Thank you. And so I think this is also just a little bit of, for you, I want you to practice with someone that's easy to practice with. Okay. And somebody that you can, maybe even you let them in on it. Like, I'm [00:40:00] practicing creating boundaries. It's so uncomfortable for me, but let me share this with you.

You know, you could even do that, like in that clarity step, like, you don't have to be perfect at this. You can say, this is super uncomfortable for me, but I'm gonna try to do it right now. You know, and, and it makes you just so, so awesome. There's nothing cuter than somebody being like, I'm kind of practicing this thing and it's freaking me out, but I really wanna do it and it's good for me, you know?

So give yourself a chance to start to play with this as scary as it may seem. Okay, my love. 

You know, they say in, in recovery and sober recovery. I wish you a slow recovery and as it relates to this boundary creating, I wish you a slow recovery because I know that the slower you take this, the less likely you will be to blow out your nervous system and freak yourself out, and then never do it again.

Right? Don't take yourself out. Go slow.  Thank you, Gary. It was awesome. 

Thank you. It was so good to be with you. Whether you're healing a [00:41:00] toxic relationship pattern or learning to set boundaries, it's the same spiritual practice which is coming home to yourself first. And triggers show you what you need, and they are showing you the boundary that you need to create.

So by checking in and keeping yourself in that place of compassion and curiosity and love, you can watch your relationships change as you heal inside. Finally, don't forget to download the free guided meditation to heal your relationships, and that's at dear gabby.com/relationships. This meditation helps you release emotional charges and really helps you get back into your heart center.

You can use it as often as you need. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. This week is Valentine's Day, and I just wanna send you love. Thank you for being part of my community. Thank you so much for being here. I'll see you next week.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you're truly committed to [00:42:00] miracles. I'm really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode. Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience of this show means a lot to me, so I really wanna welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media at Gabby Bernstein.

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Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode. 

Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace.

I'm not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or [00:43:00] medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.