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the key to improving relationships

When we come up against challenges in relationships—romantic or otherwise—our instinct is usually to point the finger at the other person. But the truth is, we hold the key to harmony in all our relationships. 

What we really need to do in these moments is gently place a hand on our own heart and look inward. That’s how we empower ourselves to see the part we play—which is the only part we can actually change. 

relationship challenges are spiritual assignments

Blaming others may give us a temporary escape from looking inward, but ultimately it stops us from showing up authentically. Because the people who activate us are just a reflection of the hidden shadows we need to heal within ourselves. Instead, we need to ask ourselves, What’s being triggered inside me … and why? 

relationships are spiritual assignments for our personal growth and radical development

When we recognize that, we can begin to take responsibility for our own healing. And then our relationships naturally begin to heal.

understanding triggers and behaviors

If you catch yourself exhibiting extreme or reactive behaviors, your first thought might be to suppress these reactions, or “fix” them to make them more “correct.” Instead, try recognizing them as parts of your younger, unhealed self and befriend them.

Real self-love emerges when you become curious about these activated parts of yourself. When you witness your judgment without judgment, you can break free from destructive patterns and experience more harmony and happiness with the people you care for most. 

in this episode, I’ll share:

  • How to break the cycle of self-attack and judgment 
  • Why and how to cultivate gratitude when others judge you
  • Tips for befriending the activated parts within you  
  • How to summon your resourced internal parent

This episode will give you some of the deepest wisdom I have to offer. These are lessons I’ve applied in my own relationships—including the one I have with myself. The results were nothing short of miraculous. 

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free meditation for healing relationships

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disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #164 Sep 22, 2023 relationships

my #1 secret to improving any relationship

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The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

GABBY: Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I'm not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

My friends, my friends, my friends, I have been shouting from the rooftops that my Gabby Coaching app is officially Here. It is here. It is here. It is here. It is something that I've been working on for two years. It is, well, really I've been working on it for 18 years. My body of work is in an app. You can access me anywhere, anytime.

You can have me on speed dial. You've got all these beautiful meditations, hundreds of meditations, workshops, coaching every single week. It is, it's pretty epic. I use it. I'm getting text messages from my friends, my husband, my team members are like, this is the best thing ever.

You can get it for free. You can try it for seven days for free at deargabby.com/app.

But here's the most exciting thing right here right now is the absolute best time to join or even just to try the free trial because because, because, because on October 1st, there is a relationship challenge, a 14-day relationship challenge that's starting inside the app.

So all my challenges, my manifesting challenge, my relationship challenge, meditation challenge, body love challenge, future challenges, they're all inside this app.

And the relationship challenge is totally exclusive just to my app members. So if you're struggling with any relationships in your life, go try the seven-day free trial and do the first seven days of the relationship challenge starting October 1st. You could stay on, do the whole thing, whatever you decide, but try it out.

Give yourself the opportunity to just explore the affirmations, the meditations, the coaching, and right now, the relationship challenge. Starting October 1st, get in there, try it for seven days free. See if you dig it.

It's deargabby.com/app. This is the absolute next best thing to having me as your personal coach.

I swear to God, people have been coming up to me on the streets being like, Oh my God, I'm in the app. It's so good. It's like I can talk to you every day, Gabby. So if you like this podcast, you like this show, you like what I'm doing. You like my books. The app is the absolute best place to be if you're into this content.

So head over to deargabby.com/app. Try seven days free.

Hey there, welcome to Dear Gabby. I'm your host Gabby Bernstein, and if you landed here it is absolutely no accident. It means that you're ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let's get started.

GABBY: We're in the studio. I’ve got Josh. You're on an island somewhere. Fire island. We are here. We're doing a kind of a go rogue. What do we call these? These are like Josh and Gabby freestyle?

JOSH: Yeah.

GABBY: Okay. Josh and Gabby Freestyle episode. We're in, I'm in the studio. Josh is on an island and we're gonna go through some very beautiful, frequently asked relationship questions and Josh, feel free to drop yours in organically and my team is in the chat.

You guys can leave your relationship questions. I will leave you anonymous, but we're going to talk through some relationship challenges today. We're in. Okay. I'm going to put my Dear Gabby hat on to go big with relationships. So before we start, Josh, I just want to brag a bit about my relationship expertise.

I've done a lot of work on myself, as we all know, listening to me here on the show or reading any of my books or being part of my app, you guys know that I've done a lot of work on myself. And I really pride myself in the changes that I've made in myself. And as a result of those personal changes, I've experienced dramatic changes in my relationships.

So I'm going to go out of the gate saying this. If you want to heal your relationships, you have to heal yourself because you are the point of attraction. You are manifesting at all times the perfect spiritual assignments for your personal growth and wellbeing. And so if you got a lot of relationships in your life that are pissing you off, you got a lot to look at. So say thank you.

Thank you, difficult relationships, for revealing to me what it is that I still need to heal. And I look at all my relationships that way. I'll look at it from the perspective of what part of me is activated in this relationship and instead of pointing the finger outward. Listen, everybody's got their own stuff, everybody's got their own parts, everybody's got their own drama.

So instead of pointing the finger at somebody else, because that's the quickest thing we want to do. We want to blame and shame others so that we don't have to recognize what we have to heal within. And so instead of doing that, maybe I'll do it for five minutes and then I look inward and I'm like, what part of me is activated right now?

What is happening inside of me that is making it difficult to really show up for this relationship, but most importantly, show up for myself, right? So as we open up this conversation, I want you to take a deep breath. Everybody listening, Josh on the Island, take a deep breath and he's doing it.

And just acknowledge that relationships are spiritual assignments for personal growth and radical development. And when we accept that fully and completely, we can start to show up for ourselves. And as a result, our relationships will heal, but the healing begins with us. Now, of course, couples therapy, couples work, and of course, we expect our friends and partners to be healthy people in our life.

But the thing that's so cool is that you don't have to really change anyone, you just have to change you, because as you get healthier and stronger, and more resilient and more self aware, the people that used to trigger you, one, stop triggering you because you're in a healthier place. They also are no longer a match for your vibration.

We are picking up what we are putting out. So if we're super codependent, we're going to consistently attract relationships that are probably pretty hard to nail down. Right? We're going to attract what we need to heal. If we're someone who's a real people pleaser, we're going to attract somebody who's really needy.

And so we might sit around being like, I'm so pissed off that this person's so needy and they can't do anything for themselves. Well, look at your side of the street. What is it that you're bringing to the table in that relationship? Are you trying to be that people pleaser, are you finding all your value in being a people pleaser?

So start to take a moment before we even begin to just settle in with noticing the things and the relationships and situations in those relationships that activate you, that trigger the s**t out of you. Josh, what triggers you? It doesn't have to be like romance. It could be work. Is there a relationship issue that perpetually shows up in your life that's triggering for you?

JOSH: Feeling uninformed. Like if I feel like I have to go like searching for answers and stuff that I, that should be more apparent to me. That is very triggering.

GABBY: Okay. So you need clarity in your relationships. And then the question would be, okay, so that's what you need. And you notice that when you're uninformed, you get like this and all of that is excellent.

We can work with that, but let's just check in now. When that part of you that's uninformed gets activated, what is activated? Who's the part of you inside that's activated?

JOSH: It's the part. That is sort of petulant and sort of prone to, let's say, a tantrum.

GABBY: Right. So you want to tantrum. I won't necessarily put Josh on the spot right now.

He's the producer of the show. He's not necessarily like the Dear Gabby case study here, but what I will say is the thing I would suggest you look into is what is reflective of that, right? So how old is that part of you? How long is it? And it's very likely it's related to your upbringing, your family, your way that you experienced not knowing what you needed to know or whatever came up in your childhood.

And so you're going to see this theme come up, everybody of me asking you to look at the parts of you that are activated, not the person that's activating you. Because the people that activate you are once again just a reflection of the hidden shadows that we need to heal. So your homework, Josh, is to go dig into the part of you that wants to throw a tantrum when someone's not being as clear as you want them to be.

Because, you know, in your resourced self, you could say, take a beat and say, hey, I'm not getting the clarity that I need. Speaking up for yourself. And caring for yourself, but it's the child parts of us that have not had the proper healing that they deserve and that they're going to get because you listen to Dear Gabby, and you're getting it, and because you produce the show, so you're really getting it, but those parts of us need some love, and they need some attention.

And so when we give them some attention, they can start to get the respect that they need, those younger parts of us inside.

So, we'll keep coming back to that, but it's a really great example. Instead of Josh blaming other people, not that he does, but let's just say, instead of saying, oh, well, the person's not giving me the clarity I need, it's, I am not able to speak that I need that clarity from a grounded, resourced place.

I get activated when I don't have that clarity, and so I want to blame and shame others because I don't want to feel that totally normal “we project out what we don't want to face within.” Boom. Let's go for it.

[AD BREAK]

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[END AD BREAK]

GABBY: First question, our listeners sent in questions.

JOSH: Yeah, I had a really good one that relates basically to what you're, exactly what you're saying. Aaliyah asks, how can I work on building a better relationship with myself and thus boosting my own self-confidence?

GABBY: So Aaliyah has a part of her that lacks confidence.

And so what my recommendation would be is to get to know that part. And the way that we would get to know that part is to become curious about it. And so in your journal, you could ask that part of you that gets activated and, and, and feels like you're not getting the confident energy that you want to live with, open your journal and at the top of the journal, just write to the part, I don't know what you want to call it.

Maybe you call it lacking confidence or intimidated or whatever you refer to that part of you as. And just say to it, what do you want me to know? And I want you to write for five minutes or more and just free, right? What do you want me to know? And you can even go further and ask it some questions. What, how old are you?

How long have you been around and just become curious about the part of you that feels like it's lacking confidence because right now we look at these behavioral things in relationships, whether it be lacking confidence, or in Josh's case, freaking out when people aren't clear with him. And so, we look at these triggers and these behaviors that may be extreme or reactive.

And we're like, I have to fix the behavior. It's quite the opposite. We have to befriend the behavior and recognize that that behavior is not behavior. It's a reaction to a younger part of us that's being activated.

And this is the secret to relationships, people. It's not about what you do. It's about what parts of you, you need to tend to. And so, looking inward and just recognizing that that's a young place that's feeling this lack of confidence. And so I'm gonna spend some time getting to know that part of me and just let it give it some air time. Let it speak up.

Let it feel connected. Let it have a voice. And then when you're done writing that I want you to ask that part of you what do you need and you'll be amazed by what comes through. It may say I need to speak up with love or I need to practice being in my truth or I need to be authentic or whatever comes through and just give yourself the opportunity to get to know and befriend that part of you that's lacking confidence and real self love is becoming curious about these parts of us that are activated because when we open up to that curiosity, what we're letting in is what we call in IFS therapy, self energy.

And self energy is curious, is compassionate, is courageous. And so, the lack of courage in this person is just a disconnect from self. Because when you reconnect to that resourced part of you, that part of you, that self energy within you, courageous, calm, and confident, and curious, that part of you is extremely courageous.

And so it's developing that relationship to the younger part that feels scared and letting it speak, letting it write in the journal and then recognizing that. There is the opposite, the antithesis to that inside of you already, and that's your self energy. Now, more on this by, I'm writing a whole book about it.

We're gonna get into more of it, but if that, if this dialogue around parts and self is interesting to you, go back to our, our episode with Dick Schwartz and listen to the IFS episode, which will take this concept further for you and definitely be a jumpstart to what I'm writing about in my book and to really understanding how to use IFS in relationships. But I'll keep going with that.

JOSH: Keeping in line with that, Alex asks, “How can I stop myself from overthinking things in my relationships, especially when I start feeling like everything that goes wrong is my fault?”

GABBY: So overthinking and self blame and attack. So I wrote a book called Judgment Detox. While we have this issue of often judging others, the person we judge most is ourselves.

And so, if we're in this common place of just constant self attack and judgment, the first thing is to witness the judgment without judgment. So notice When you're judging yourself, don't judge yourself for judging yourself, notice how it feels, notice where it's in your body. And again, become curious about it, be aware of it, be the witness of it.

And when we become the non judgmental witness of that judgment, we can start to see it as something separate, we can see it as, oh, that's a pattern.

That's a behavior. That's a protection mechanism. And when we look at it from that perspective, we can recognize that it's actually not something that's wrong with us. But it's just a belief that we've been carrying and a thought that we've been thinking. And so, there's a lot more I could talk about this specifically as it comes to self attack and judgment.

But that first step is real. Witness the judgment without judgment. That's the first step in Judgment Detox. Just spend some time this week looking at that judgment without judgment and then have a conversation with it. Just say, Oh wow, okay, you're there again. And I recognize that there has been some desire to attack myself.

And how can I release that attack right now? I can just be present with this idea that this is not who I am. I am not at fault. It's just a belief and a thought that I keep thinking.

That is just a first step. There's a lot of steps in releasing that judgment, but the first step is to really just start to relate to the judgment differently, the self attack and judgment differently.

And when we attack ourselves and we judge ourselves, we are actually using that as a way of protecting ourselves from facing deeper wounds and deeper feelings. And so, thank that attack thought for a moment and say, “Alright, I see that you've had a role in my life.”

You've been maybe shielding me from deeper wounds. But recognizing that It's just a shield. It's not the truth.

JOSH: So, I have a question. This is pulling on a question that someone actually wrote in. So, in all of our relationships, personal relationships, family, friends, what happens if you're afraid of just constantly getting hurt, right? That's the sort of lead into every relationship is that you're so afraid you're going to get hurt and it just affects your relationships.

How do you stop that?

GABBY: Well, first and foremost, speak for it. So know that that fear of being hurt in a relationship is probably activating a lot of self-protection. And so, get to know that like I said earlier. And then, once you have a grasp of a little bit more self awareness, right? A little bit more of a connection to that feeling of just really needing to speak up for yourself and needing to share that you always feel like you're in the wrong.

What I would do is really for yourself first speak up for that and notice that. And then, if and when you feel ready, share that with the people in your life and say, “Hey, this is something I'm working on. I notice when X, Y, Z happens, I get super activated.”

And maybe practice this with some of your closer friends and family members rather than maybe like your first date with a boyfriend. But recognize that it's a pattern, recognize that it's something you're working on, and speak for it. Sit down with your friends and just be like, “Listen, I might act this way when this happens because I'm sometimes afraid that I might get hurt.”

And the reason I want you to start to speak for it now is because there's work to be done to heal it. And that's maybe through your own therapy through listening to the IFS practices in the Dear Gabby episode, and I'll give you more of them now, but I think first and foremost, these are kind of first steps today, really become conscious and aware of that fear of being hurt and speak for it.

So notice it when you notice it. Maybe write it down, maybe like the earlier person, you journal with it, maybe you witness it without judgment. And then when you're ready, test this out with someone who's safe, a friend, a family member, like I said, maybe not your first date, but with a long time relationship, your husband, your partner, and speak to the person with your truth.

I noticed that in relationships, I get very scared that I could get hurt. And it brings up this, this, and this in me, and I just want to acknowledge that. And that in itself, that acknowledgement has the power to really open you up to a connection in your relationships that you otherwise didn't have because now you're letting the person in on the fact that you're not acting like an asshole, you're actually just scared.

This is huge. I'm not an asshole. I'm just scared. How about that? So Josh, you know, while we talk about this, this is a huge topic in my app, in the Gabby Coaching app. I have the relationship challenge that happens inside the app. I have so many meditations inside the app for healing relationships and connecting to self and Get Gabby moments in the sort of Gabby on the go where you can just be like I'm having an issue in a relationship and you can just press a button and there I am to help you.

And so right now if you're like okay I'm really wanting to dive deeper into these topics and this is Gabby's first steps that she's offering me but I want more, you can go get the app for seven day free trial.

Go to deargabby.com/app, download your seven day free trial. And you can also just use any of the relationship meditations in there.

They're all sourced as relationship meditations and there's lessons that are specific to relationships. So just jump right in there and get some support. You have one that you're, that you love, right, Josh? That relationship meditation? That's one of your favorites that you told me.

JOSH: Yes, I do. I have a relationship meditation that I love and it's called the meditation for healing relationships. Pretty straightforward.

GABBY: And you use, have you been using that in your marriage?

JOSH: I have, I use that and yeah, I use many of the meditations obviously, Gabby, but yeah, I've used that one and it's great. The way you began this episode talking about healing ourselves, like it's really taken us down this incredible path of these questions.

And I think that they're applicable not just to, like I said, our boyfriend and girlfriend relationships and husband and wives, but our relationships in our life.

And I think so many times, this is a question sort of come up repeatedly is about how to deal with external judgment on yourself in a relationship, how to release what people are saying about you or thinking about you. And I think that's really critical.

GABBY: Big one. So we also have these relationships to a lot of strangers in our life too, in our social media realm. And I know that it can be really overwhelming when, whether we're concerned about what people think of us, whether it's coworkers or family members or social media followers.

That's a s**t show for people, you know, and oftentimes people will say to me like, Oh, Gabby, like, doesn't the negative comments piss you off or make you upset? And I'm like, first of all, I don't even look at it. Like I literally just don't know about it. My team knows. I don't know unless it's really important for me to know, I don't know.

And I'm not looking for it. And so I don't think I'm a point of attraction for it. And what I would also say is that the bottom line is, is that when people are judging you, just like the opposite, if you're judging somebody else, what they're judging is a disowned part of their own shadow.

And so, if it's activating you when somebody judges that element of you Then there's something for you to look at too, you know, what is it about this that's super activating for me? And for me oftentimes when I get judged or called out about something if it's not something that's true for me like it's just somebody being like why are you using a plastic water bottle and I'm like listen I wish I didn't have to but I was out at a ballpark or whatever.

You know what I mean? Like I'm not gonna take that home with me and judge myself. I'm just gonna recycle, right? But if somebody's really coming at me, whether it's online or in a personal relationship or in my marriage or even my child, and it's something that I've done that is actually not in my highest and best, that's when I really will maybe get upset, but also look at it more closely. Because at first I might get defensive and then I actually am aware enough to say that defensiveness is a sign that it's something up in me, that there's something I need to heal.

So there's a different kind of response that we have when we actually know we're wrong, or we know that there's something else that we need to look at. Now, there are also folks that may just be super triggered with any kind of judgment, because they also have something else to look at inside, which is that they need to look at that fear of being judged.

And the fear of being judged is something that can be paralyzing. It can take you down. It can be super, super scary for some folks. And so, when you feel that fear of being judged, and then you have judgment in your life, my recommendation would be to look at that experience of being judged. Ask yourself, is any of this true for me?

Is what they're saying true for me? If the answer is yes, then great. Okay, great. Thank you to the person who's judging me for reflecting back to me what I need to work on. Great. Thank you. That's a thank you. If it's not true for you, then you can start to self-soothe a bit by just recognizing that that's actually just an unhealed part of you that's still activated, but you indeed have done nothing wrong.

And so that's when you can go deeper into connecting to the part of you that is afraid of judgment and afraid of attack. And in the Gabby coaching app, actually there's a self meditation. And it's a meditation for connecting to self, and that is a beautiful practice for really welcoming in the confidence and the commitment and the creativity and the just full-blown compassion and connection that's inside of you.

And that can start to help you remember who you truly are and start to heal some of those really young activated parts inside of you. So you can go check that out.

If this is something that's up for you and you're noticing that you have helped you recognize during this episode that you've got these parts of you that are getting activated in relationships, the biggest homework is go download the free seven day trial and do the meditation for connecting to your parts and the self meditation. Because both of those meditations are going to start to help you recognize your part in the relationship.

And I think that to wrap this up, Josh, that's the theme of this show is recognizing when we are having issues in relationships, we cannot point the finger outside. We have to point the finger gently, not point, but how about place a hand on our own heart and look inward and recognize, ah, that is something within me that is unhealed.

This person is activating an unhealed part of my own shadow. Now, are they acting out in their own activation? Yes. Okay. They're still acting out too. It takes two to tango.

And oftentimes, the people that trigger us most, their triggers are the perfect match for our triggers so we can just say thank you for revealing to me what I need to heal.

The best approach to healing relationships is to connect to the self energy within you to heal the parts within you that are still activated to become the internal parent for all these activated, extreme behaviors that show up in our life and I do think that the fastest approach to that would be to use those two meditations.

Go use the meditation for connecting to self and the meditation for connecting to your parts and you can do it right now for free. Go to deargabby.com/app and check it out. And then a lot of what we spoke about here was really just about being that non judgmental witness of our part in the relationship.

So our own activation our own judgment our own attack of ourselves or attack of others our own behavior. And so, with a lot of love and compassion witness your responses and reactivity and relationships witness your judgment of yourself or others and witness without any judgment. And be curious about it and write with it and then speak for it rather than as it, right?

So if we're super triggered in a situation, I know in my own marriage, if I'm super triggered and I start calling my husband, you did this and you did that, it just leads to like full blown chaos, right? Josh is laughing. He's like, Oh, balls. Yes. And so instead, what if you did your own processing, you listen to that meditation, the self connecting to self meditation or connecting to the part meditation.

Which would help you work out that part of you and your part in the situation ground you and center you in your own self energy and then maybe do a little bit of the writing with that part of you or maybe you decide, okay, I'm feeling some connection right now. I'm feeling some curiosity inside of me and feeling some compassion towards myself or my partner or my friend.

From that place, speak up for yourself. If you're not in that connection to your creativity, your compassion, your connection, your curiosity, your feelings of courage. If that's not there, then sit on your hands.

You don't text or type and shut your mouth until you get to that place within yourself where you feel safe enough to care for that part of you. Because let me say something if we just keep reacting as these parts of ourselves and we're just like having tantrums and fighting back and man… Listen, like finally for the first time I feel like I fully turn the corner here.

I really recognize it in the moment I walk away. I'm like hungover from it. I'm like, okay, let's unwind that let's do some work on that. My god, my marriage is like the most beautiful relationship in my life I could shout it from the rooftops because we've done this work. We've done this work and we have made such dramatic changes in the way that we relate to each other as a result of relating to ourselves first.

So I’ve given you a lot of opportunities to look at these parts of you, to recognize that you have a part in every relationship and that you're not the victim and it's not your fault. It's unhealed wounds from our childhood that continue to repurpose and replay particularly in intimate relationships. And the first step is to witness it without judgment.

Witness it with curiosity and love, and then bring it to those meditations. We're gonna put a link to deargabby.com/app in the show notes, totally free for the first seven days. If you love it, I highly recommend you stick around and just try this this week, just make it a practice this week.

Jump in and start to connect to yourself and start to connect to the parts inside of you that need some help. Boom. Thanks, Josh.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you're truly committed to miracles. I'm really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode.

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Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.