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I celebrate anyone who commits to self-development—and I’m dedicated to creating tools and communicating information that can support you on that journey. 

Which is why what I’m about to write next may come as a shock. 

Sometimes you have to chill out on doing all the “things”—devouring self-help books, practicing meditation, taking multiple classes and more. 

To be clear, I’m not saying to quit doing the work! I’m just saying that your approach to personal growth doesn’t need to be an adrenaline-fueled sprint. There was a time when I had a more-is-more mindset when it came to my own personal and spiritual development. Every day I was muscling through a long list of practices.

But then I realized that this inner work shouldn’t be so much … well … work. And it shouldn’t be completely overwhelming. When you surrender spiritually, it allows you to get out of the way—to let go and let the miracles unfold.

In case you just skimmed that last paragraph, let me repeat it:

True, deep personal growth requires spiritual surrender.

gabby

It makes sense that the word “faith” is often paired with other words such as “blind” and “leap,” because sometimes you have to close your eyes and step into an unknown space with trust. 

My spiritual faith has given me the courage to face my unresolved traumatic memories—and in this episode, I share how I arrived at that place. 

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how to achieve personal growth through spiritual surrender

It didn’t surprise me that all three calls I took for this grab bag Q&A were somehow related to personal growth. We’re all struggling with how to evolve as individuals, parents, partners and more, day in and day out.

Even just framing these experiences as struggles implies that we should be forcing things. But there is a better way.

in this episode, I share:

  • How to keep growing even when old personas and triggering thought patterns keep popping back up
  • Ways to make personal growth work less overwhelming
  • How to turn plateaus into opportunities for relief and joy
  • Why you need to give yourself permission to be more intentional with self-assignments
listen now

As I told all my guests, letting go is the opposite of giving up. The world will benefit from your commitment to heal and evolve through your own personal growth work. 

Keep it going!

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disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #159 Aug 25, 2023 spiritual connection

the mind shift that fuels personal growth

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The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

GABBY: Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I'm not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

If you're a regular listener of this show, you know that for the most part, I'm pretty chill and believe it or not, that's true even when it comes to my parenting style. I'm that mom who can stay calm even during a four-year-old meltdown. Seriously.

And I know that's kind of a brag, but it's something that I'm proud of and you might be wondering, Okay, Gabby, really, how do you stay calm when your kid's freaking melting down?

Well, well, number one, I know I can trust the universe when the sh*t hits the fan. That's period. And number two, I lean heavily on my meditation practice. I've been meditating daily for 17 and a half years.

Yep, that's right. I've never skipped a day of meditation. I just haven't.

And it is this practice that has helped me navigate the most stressful situations in my life. And it's also given me the ability to really lower my anxiety level. So whether you already have a meditation practice or if you've never tried it before, I want to help you cultivate that same sense of inner peace.

And it comes with practice and it comes with commitment. And that's why I'm giving you my most impactful guided meditation for anxiety relief. And it's totally free. It's yours. It's a gift from me. People, it's free. So take advantage of this today. This also happens to be one of my favorite meditations, so I'm really excited to share it with you.

You can download my free meditation for anxiety relief at deargabby.com/anxiety. I promise you that this practice is gonna really help you begin your journey toward profound inner peace. It will give you a tool for self-soothing in moments of anxiety and stress. And I just want you to use it so that you can really create that beneficial inner state of peace that can be very sustainable when you practice and you show up and you give yourself that permission to turn inward.

That's deargabby.com/anxiety.

Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I'm your host Gabby Bernstein, and if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you're ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let's get started.

GABBY: Welcome back to this episode of Dear Gabby. I'm so happy you're with me. Today is a big show, people. We go deep in this show, we go super deep. The three guests who I speak to on this show open up and they are so raw, real, personal, and they share their stories of their personal development and spiritual development.

It was really moving. And as each guest shared their own remarkable story, the conversation developed into this deep dive into spiritual development. personal growth and all the things that we're navigating in life and how we can rely on our spiritual faith to surrender into what's possible. And that became our theme, spiritual surrender.

It's the spiritual surrender that allows us to get out of the way and let miracles unfold. I love this episode. It brought me right back to my center, right back to what I know to be true for me. If you feel like you're holding on to something, you're struggling, you're trying to make things happen. This is your moment to surrender and surrender more.

Surrender and surrender more. Now, let's check out this show. It's time for spiritual surrender. If you're holding on, holding on too tightly, let's let it go. Enjoy the show.

GABBY: What we're going to do is just bring everybody in and let you ask me questions because you're here and you showed up. We've got good Amir energy in this room.

Good Josh energy in this room. Where is our guest? What's your name, baby?

NIKKI: My name is Nikki.

GABBY: Nikki, what's up? Not much, not much. My question for you is I started connecting with you at the beginning of the year and I did the 21-day manifesting challenge and it really resonated with me. Your speech, your heart, just the way that you talk through your personal stories and bring stuff in.

And so for me, my 21 days was amazing. And the after effect of it has been just, I've seen it throughout the year and I've been so proud of myself just with the changes I've made, however, where I'm at now, I feel like I've become my block again, and I've gone to the steps of like, okay, let's forgive myself.

That's past Nikki. And then earlier you're talking about how the two can't coexist. And I'm like, yes, they can't, like, you can't be your 5D self and also be the self that you want to. You continue to see yourself as the old self. And so I just want to, I guess, ask and not that I don't like her, but I just, I don't acknowledge with her.

I don't associate with her, but yet she's still here. So how do I, I guess, move through that.

GABBY: I love what you just said, Nikki, because first and foremost, I just want to acknowledge that you went headfirst into the manifesting challenge. You applied the principles. You showed up for those principles.

You experienced change. It's excellent when we have those moments of recognizing, oh, wow, there is a gentler, softer way. That development of that new muscle, that spiritual conditioning, that personal growth conditioning has a lot of power. We want to offer them support. We want to use our spiritual and personal growth practices and therapeutic practices in whatever form they come.

Whether it's Dear Gabby, whether it's the Gabby coaching app, whether it's, I'm just mentioning the Gabby coaching app, everybody, cause this will be out later, but the Gabby coaching app is coming out. So it's the miracle membership turning into the Gabby coaching app. Just letting you know.

So whether it's the Gabby coaching app, whether it's Dear Gabby, whether it's a therapist, whether it's deeper work on your own through your yoga mat.

And so if you're noticing that younger female part of you that you referenced coming back in, you know, you felt some great momentum after the challenge and you're on, you know, that pink cloud and you're just riding high, very common, very, very common. And then boom, life hits or something happens or time goes by or you lose track of your connection to that spiritual connection because you fall off.

Common, common, common. Everybody here that's listening is like raising their hand right now. Then boom, those younger extreme parts of who we are can start to come back to the surface. Instead of being upset that she's coming back, what if I asked you to say, Oh, wow. Thank you so much for revealing yourself to me and reminding me of what I still need to heal, of who I still need to tend to.

Reminding me that these undeveloped parts of me, or these overactive parts of me, just need more attending to. And then when we notice those parts of us that just start to spring back in and spring back in, because they will.

I've been on this journey my whole life. I have been sober 18 years. I have been on a meditative path for two decades. I am super devoted. I write the f-ing books, but let me actually remind you. I have these parts of me that are still extreme in many ways, and I just have continued to soften them. And we don't want those parts of us to go away because let me remind you, I've got that controlling part that I talk a lot about here on the show.

That controlling part has written 10 books in 13 years. That controlling part has shown up for you day after day and served many souls. So instead of trying to shun that part of me when she shows up, I continuously try to meet her with compassion, calmness, and connection so that she can still maintain some control and move life along and move her mission along, but in a less extreme way.

So I want you to look at that part of you that you are referencing right now and just say, Oh, wow. Thank you. Thank you so much for revealing to me that I have more spiritual and personal growth to enjoy in this lifetime. Perceptual shift right there, baby. How's that feel?

NIKKI: Thank you. Amazing. Honestly, like as you were talking, it resonates a hundred percent and I think it makes me realize that this grace, I mean, I just heard grace, grace, grace. And just because of that person, that part of me, that's in the past, that keeps creeping up. It's like that person probably got me through a situation that I needed that person in that moment. And now it's like, I'm done with you in the sense of you're not needed.

You can take a seat kind of thing, but just, I think having, having the mindset of honoring her and honoring that person. And that's something that I got from one of the first sessions with you is just honoring every part of me and just respecting that part of me instead of being like, I'm one and done, we're done breaking up kind of thing.

But it's like, no, like I honor you. You come with me because you're a huge part of who I was, but at the same time, like I need to contain you a little bit. So yeah, I love it. Thank you so much.

GABBY: And I think that just even another minor adjustment, you don't have to contain or get rid of. Just befriend it and just get to know it and just know that your spiritual and personal development is a way of serving that part of you and helping them.

NIKKI: Thank you so much.

GABBY: We don't want these parts to go away We just write them to feel less extreme be less.

NIKKI: Yeah, for sure.

GABBY: Nikki, I really I want to just say to you. I really believe that you're doing this work.

NIKKI: Thank you. That means so much to me. It really does. Thank you.

GABBY: I'm really proud of you. Yeah. Thank you for joining me on the show today.

NIKKI: Of course. Thanks.

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GABBY: Who is next?

CALLER: Hello.

GABBY: Hi, sweetie.

CALLER: Hi. Okay. I'm working from home today, so I don't know the topic, but I really don't have—

GABBY: There’s no topic. You can ask me anything.

CALLER: Oh my gosh. Okay. Gabby. Okay, look, I have your cards here. I'm reading. Where is it? It's right here. I'm reading Happy Days right now. Okay, I have my question.

I wrote my question. I knew this was gonna happen, so I don't know why I'm nervous.

GABBY: First of all, you're the cutest thing ever. I love you so much with your hat. You're so sweet.

CALLER: Oh my gosh, you're amazing. So right now I'm in graduate school to be a social worker.

GABBY: Yes, good.

CALLER: And it's been great, but I live in LA and LA can be a very difficult city sometimes.

It's a great place, but my goal is to feel good. That's what I want to manifest. I just want to feel good, but I feel like I'm just taking out all the time. But like different assholes and I practice the Choose Again method; I practice all the time because I have to and yeah and I practice the Daily Design method but I just feel like I'm just always blocked and even though I do feel good I feel like…What's going on?

So I want to manifest a relationship, but I feel like energetically I'm not where I want to be. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm just rambling, but I'm so happy to be here.

GABBY: I love you, sweetheart. So you mentioned that you feel blocked.

CALLER: Yes.

GABBY: Even though you're doing a lot of just great work. You're doing beautiful work and you sound so committed.

I'm so proud.

CALLER: Yes, yes.

GABBY: Such a young age too. You look like a young man and you're doing real big work. Real big work for you.

CALLER: Thank you so much.

GABBY: I really hope you hear me and know that I see you in there. Oh, and so if step one you're on it, you're taking care of you. But you said, I feel so blocked.

You also mentioned that there's some assholes.

CALLER: Yeah, I mean, like, it's LA and it's, you know, it's a great place, but there's a lot of assholes here. And it's like, what's going on? You know?

GABBY: So here's what I have found in my life. The more I focus on the assholes and the more I focus on the things I don't like, the people or the situations or the stuff that I keep calling in, the more I get of it. I have found that when I start to redirect my focus on to the folks that bring me joy, the folks that open my heart, truly support me.

CALLER: Can I show you something?

GABBY: Yes. Please.

CALLER: Okay. So I have a gratitude jar. So every week, I literally write a post it note of everything that I'm grateful for and I put it in this jar.

So on New Year's Eve, because my birthday is December 30th, so on New Year's Eve, I'm going to read every one of these. So I really try to practice gratitude and I try to do everything, but I'm just like, what's going on, you know?

GABBY: Yeah, so there's another thing that's happening here. The only thing I wanted to address was the assholes first.

So the asshole part is just starting to really look for less assholes. It happens when we just start to focus on the great people in our life. That's just, that's just one little tip on the side here. Now I am noticing that you are in a lot of the tools, which is amazing, amazing, but sometimes the doing, doing, doing, the daily design method, the choose again method, the gratitude jar.

Oh my god, so fabulous. Live for everything about it. But sometimes, in a way, you remind me of myself when I was your age. 20 something, yeah? I was very much like you, doing all the things, meditating, going to the meetings, going to the yoga class, doing, doing, doing.

And my coach said to me, just like I'm going to say to you right now, stop doing and go eat an ice cream.

CALLER: I love ice cream.

GABBY: Now, why am I saying that to you? So if we notice that we're in that. place of maybe manic manifesting or in a place of doing, doing, doing with our spiritual practice and our personal development. We see that and we recognize that. That's a sign sometimes to step back, go get an ice cream and you can ask that doing, doing part.

What do you really need? So that's your homework.

CALLER: Thank you.

GABBY: Go get, what's your favorite ice cream?

CALLER: I love anything Ben and Jerry's.

GABBY: Go get some Ben and Jerry's, maybe one of those little small baby ones so you don't go crazy with it.

CALLER: Right.

GABBY: Okay. Little baby one. And you sit on a park bench in LA somewhere without, you know, place where there's less assholes. I have a lot of friends in LA and I love my LA friends, so I would love to send a lot of LA good people to you.

CALLER: Absolutely. And there are there are it's just—

GABBY: I'm laughing for a reason. Okay So sit on a park bench or at the beach or wherever you can find some space Have your mini Ben and Jerry's. Ask, check in and ask that part of you that's been doing all the spiritual and personal growth stuff. Ask that part of you.

What do you need? What do you really need?

CALLER: Thank you, Gabby.

GABBY: Oh, sweetheart. I just am so proud of you. Hope to see you when I'm in LA. Coming soon.

CALLER: Yes. I so appreciate you. I really, really do appreciate you. And I remember the Instagram show from pandemic, early COVID. I was there. I think it was on Wednesdays.

I loved it. I loved it. I lived for Wednesdays. It got me through the pandemic. So thank you for this beautiful offering and thank you for all your work and I'm loving this book. I'm literally reading it right now. So thank you so much.

GABBY: Yes. That one. My love, just reading that book alone is a lot of work, a lot of commitment, right?

So it may be that when you sit down with your ice cream, that part of you says, I just need to read Happy Days or not. I don't know what it's going to say. I think that book alone is like a lifetime of work.

CALLER: Absolutely. Personal. Absolutely. Right. Yeah, just the first part alone, like creating my vision statement.

It was like a lot, like what do I want for myself? And just, I don't want, I want to take my time with that. I might not have an idea of it, but I'm going in my second year of my graduate program. And what do I want for my life? Like the next chapter or so.

GABBY: I’ll say something else. There's nothing more exciting to me to have my work in the hands of someone who's studying to be a social worker.

CALLER: Oh, wow. Thank you.

GABBY: And someone with that heart and connection because you are doing your own work and when you make that commitment to yourself, you're making a commitment to all those souls that you will serve.

CALLER: Absolutely. Absolutely. Thank you so much, Gabby.

GABBY: Stay connected to me.

CALLER: Thank you, Gabby. Yes. Okay.

Thank you so much. Thank you, everyone.

GABBY: Josh, you're so funny. One more. These people today, this is the Gabby coaching day. Here we go.

CALLER 2: Hello.

GABBY: Hi, sweetie. How are you?

CALLER 2: I just want to fist bump you. Can I fist bump you somehow?

GABBY: Fist bump. There we go.

CALLER 2: Oh my God. This is the first time I've come on because my friend Olivia sent me the link. I just knew I was going to get picked. You know, you get this a lot, don't you? Yeah. I've got a couple of loads of things running in my head, but the IFS part is incredible. So I recently. Like four months ago I got out of a relationship, it was an abusive relationship, and I've been meeting this anger part, this anger part is raging in me right now, and I know it's there because I've been doing IFS, you know, I've been learning about it, I put my name forward for IFS therapy, so I know I've been working with this part, but the anger is just raging to a point where it's like, I want justice, I want this, I want that, but yesterday something beautiful happened.

Where I went into an IFS session with my, my friend, who's an IFS therapist, and I said to her this part is really raging. And then we obviously we went into the session. What happened was the day that we broke up, it was a lot of emotional bashing to a point I was physically vomiting in the car, right?

So when we went in, there was a, I connected with a five year old me, who was afraid to exactly the same scenario, exactly the same case scenario where he was unseen and heard by my mom because there was a teacher who used to physically hit me in school in Pakistan.

And it was exactly the same scenario I'm telling my mom, please, I don't want to go to school but she say no it's fine fine because she wasn't hearing me to a point I was vomiting. Right? So first going into the session, I thought, you know what, I, the spirituality is too much positivity. We see good in everybody, but I don't want to see good in this person.

And, but then she's like, you're going to connect these dots, but just, just be patient. Universe will show you the way. And it did. When I went to session, I realized the memory I need that situation with my ex needed to happen so I can heal that five-year-old me.

GABBY: Yes. That's right. So let me explain to you from an IFS perspective what happened.

And I want to also first start, sweetheart, by acknowledging what you went through as a five year old. And I want you to know that I see her and I see what she went through and I want to extend a lot of compassion and love to her. And I also want to acknowledge what you've recently been through in this very scary relationship, which is not uncommon.

A lot of our listeners have lived through this or may be living through it right now. I want to just acknowledge that part of you went through that and also survived that and is now with me here right now. I am really proud of you that you've been inspired to tap into IFS, internal family systems therapy.

For those of you who want a crash course in IFS, you can go listen to my episode with Dick Schwartz. There's two episodes now. You can just go into the podcast and just type in Dick Schwartz, Richard Schwartz, IFS, Gabby, you'll find it. But what I want to explain to you that happened is that when we have these experiences of being burdened as children, and whether it be abuse or alcoholic parent or attachment breach or emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, whatever it might be, or even just not feeling good enough or adequate.

And we don't have a parent figure, a caregiver that's available to us to see us. To soothe us, to help us feel secure, so that we can, in that young moment, reprocess the experience and feel safe with what happened. If we don't have that, which most every human walking this earth, most people did not have that in those moments of crisis.

Whether they be small t traumas or big T traumas, most of us walking around did not have parents that were emotionally, spiritually, therapeutically capable of helping us reprocess those disturbances, those burdens. And so, what happens is, over time, we start to build up these protection mechanisms called protector parts that shun the exiled little girl or little boy or child part.

And so these protectors just develop and develop and develop. And sometimes they even manifest into addictive behavior. And in the case of being and staying in a relationship that was abusive, that's an addictive part, right? It's a part that's saying, I'm not good enough if I don't have this, or I'm just not going to speak for your part, but I'm just speaking in general terms.

But we, we end up in these extreme behaviors and, and situations that while we may be the victim, we still are showing up and playing a part in it because it's a reaction to a younger experience. Now, the reframe and the turnaround that you've had now is extraordinary because you were able to through the journey of IFS, connect to that five-year-old which was an exiled part of you that had been really shut down, tucked away, not acknowledged for so many years.

You're able to, through the catalyst of this relationship, connect to her. And that connection is bringing her the internal parent that she never had. It's bringing herself, your inner parent, your adult resourced part of who you are.

And so connection is one of the qualities of self. And so you've now connected to this younger part of you. So what's next? What's next for you is to continue on this journey of IFS. I would highly recommend for you. It's working well for you. And to continue to be more and more curious about these different younger parts, these protection mechanisms, and let that IFS therapist guide you every step of the way to develop a sense of safety inside.

Because that's really the goal of IFS is to create harmony within. So that all these young parts of us that have been controlling and have been in firefighter mode, trying to put out the fire with addictive patterns or managing our lives to just never have to feel that exiled shame and terror and fear from our very, very young years.

Those extreme parts of us can become harmonious. They can enter into a beautiful spiritual relationship with one another. We can have all these parts working together like a really powerful internal family. And that's the goal. Takes time. I've been doing it for 12 years in my own therapy. I believe in it so deeply.

I'm writing a book about it. It's obviously something I care about. I've been trained in it. I love it. I want to offer it to all of you as much as I can. But the first step is radical, which is what has happened to you, which is you've had the turnaround, the frame of reference, the witnessing of a young little child within that was never witnessed or seen by her mother, but now you have seen her.

So that alone, my love, is a huge step forward. So keep coming back to that IFS, baby. It's working for you. It truly is. Thank you, honey.

What a show. What a beautiful show. The guests that are coming on these days are so reflective of where this show is at and where this work is at. And I'm seeing it in the Gabby coaching app community and I'm seeing it on this show's community and I'm seeing it on the moment to moment opportunities I have to meet people in person.

It gives me a lot of hope, gives me a lot of faith that we'll be okay, that this world that we're living in with all the chaos. It's going to have a lot to balance it out with every single one of you listening. And I mean that from, from the bottom of my heart, I really mean that. I mean that, I mean that, I mean that, that you have an impact that you have an imprint.

So I want you to take a deep breath. If you listen to all the way to the end of the show, you are definitely on a mission to be of service in a big way to yourself and to the world. And so I'm really proud of you. I hope I can support you more with the Gabby coaching app.

I hope I can show up for you week after week with my coaching and my meditations and my written and audio affirmations and my Get Gabby section. You can just check it out wherever you get your apps. And I just love you guys. I really, really, really love you. And I'm proud of you. And I hope we can stay connected on this journey.

And I will be very proud to say that I continue to see so much growth every single time I show up on the show. Thank you for being part of this community. I love you. Thank you. See you next time.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you're truly committed to miracles. I'm really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode.

Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience at this show means a lot to me, so I really wanna welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media at @GabbyBernstein.

And if you wanna get in on the action, sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby’d live at deargabby.com. See you next week.

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.