free meditation
photo of a meadow

Seventeen years ago, I made the choice to get clean and sober—a choice that would change my life forever. 

My 24-year-old self could never have imagined who I am today. Thankfully, she made the right choice to get clean and hold a vision for a better future: a vision of freedom and inner peace. 

Today, I can look back and see the part of me that became addicted to cocaine—she’s dissociated, disembodied and running from her past. Instead of seeing her through the lens of judgment, I can see her with compassion and love. I’m proud that she was brave enough to face the deeper reasons behind her suffering and fearlessly show up for healing. 

Here’s the biggest shift: I was able to witness my addiction as a form of protection—a way of numbing out my impermissible feelings and trauma from my past.

the journey toward addiction recovery requires one thing: willingness to heal 

That willingness starts with changing your perspective. 

In this episode of Dear Gabby, I will teach you how to witness your addictive patterns (or bad habits) through the lens of compassion rather than attack. 

listen now

understanding addictive patterns

Why is it so hard for an addict to let go of harmful behavior patterns? 

As a sober woman who made the commitment nearly two decades ago to stay clean, I really want you to feel my acceptance and my love and compassion for the parts of you that are addicted—because they’ve been working really hard to keep you from facing deeper wounds. 

Maybe that subtle shift toward acceptance gives you the bravery to start getting a little bit more curious about the addictive patterns that are inside you. 

Feeling inadequate? Or do you have an intense need to control everything? Struggling with addiction right now?

Listen to this episode for a whole new perspective and the clear first step to freedom.

Maybe there’s a behavior you’ve noticed … but you’re not even sure it’s an addiction. There are two questions you can ask yourself:

1. Has your life become unmanageable in any way because of this behavior? (Does it affect your work or home life? How is it affecting your health?)

2. Are you powerless over it? (Can you get through the morning, or the day, without it?)

Be honest with yourself about how this behavior affects you day to day. Then, if you still aren’t clear—or if you recognize addictive patterns but you still don’t know if you want to change—I’m offering you a powerful prayer for clarity in your choice.

simply ask for guidance and be open to receiving it

Get the prayer here on Dear Gabby.

my personal trauma recovery journey

The first step to healing is to become conscious of our triggers and the BIG feelings that live beneath our destructive patterns. You can’t do this without looking through the lens of love and offering deep compassion for the parts of you that have worked so hard to keep you safe by whatever means possible.

And you have to be curious about those parts of you.

It was only when I became brave enough to wonder why I was running that true healing was possible. 

gabby

If today’s episode resonates with you, you can continue your journey of self-reflection with my book Happy Days: The Guided Path from Trauma to Profound Freedom and Inner Peace.

shift your perspective

in this episode on addiction, you’ll learn how to:
  • Treat yourself and others with greater compassion and acceptance
  • Witness your addiction or destructive behaviors through the lens of love so you can open yourself up to healing
  • Reframe your understanding of addictive patterns, including socially acceptable behaviors like workaholism 
  • Stop judging yourself and open the door to profound change by asking for clear direction

I hope this episode gives you the opportunity to be a little bit more curious about the parts of you that have been fighting so hard for so long. That curiosity and compassion is what I really want to spark in you today, because feeling safe as you explore those parts is where your journey to healing starts.

The clearest path to recovery must come through acceptance, compassion and love.

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disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

dear gabby #131 Apr 17, 2023 physical wellbeing 44 min

what does sobriety mean? what I’ve learned after 17 years

Listen on:

The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

Hi there, Gabby here.

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I’m not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

April is alcohol awareness month, and this is very meaningful to me. If you know me, you know that I’m about 17 and a half years sober at this point, and if it were not for my sober recovery, I don’t know where I would be. I definitely would not be here speaking with you, Dear Gabby-ing you, supporting you in this way.

And throughout my sobriety, I’ve had the real privilege of being able to be in the service of others and work with dozens of organizations and share my own journey and my own experience of sobriety. And most recently, I joined the board of a organization called McCall Behavioral Health Network. With over 50 years of experience treating substance use and mental health disorders, they truly and deeply understand the path of substance use as a coping mechanism for unresolved pain.

And that’s why I am so thrilled to be working with this organization to support them, to help them show up for others. 17.6 million people or one in every 12 adults suffer from alcohol use disorder, and more than half of all adults have a family history of problem drinking. Alcohol use is on the rise, especially among women, and that’s why I really wanna come out today and support McCall during this month.

McCall Behavioral Health Network is a nonprofit organization for individuals of all ages and families across Connecticut. And here’s the reason why I chose to be on the board at McCall. McCall supports everyone’s journey. Everyone that walks in the door will receive help and services—period. So that’s why I’m asking you to consider donating today.

You’ll be helping people transform their lives and giving hope to so many people who at one time or another have felt hopeless.

Go to deargabby.com/donate today. Make a contribution, even if it’s just a dollar. That dollar can go towards helping a human being transform their life. Remember, anyone that walks in their doors will receive services.

Thank you so much in advance for your support. Go to deargabby.com/donate to give today.

Hey there. Welcome to Dear Gabby. I’m your host Gabby Bernstein, and if you landed here, it is absolutely no accident. It means that you’re ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let’s get started.

Welcome back to Dear Gabby. Welcome back to the show. This is an episode that was recorded backwards. We went in with a different topic, and then everyone started coming in with questions related to addiction. And sometimes my guests will reveal to me what the episode needs to be. And so here we are. This is an episode on addiction.

I’ve just come off of a five-day training in a level two internal family systems therapy training on addiction. And as someone who’s not a therapist in that training, a lot of my addictive parts started coming up. Parts of me that wanna control everything and the parts of me that just feel inadequate or not good enough.

The training in itself actually taught me so much about my addictive nature, not just from what I learned, but from how I experienced it. And what I took away from this five days and the witnessing of my experience of my 17 years of sobriety, and then being asked to look at it from a different lens.

What I can say that I really came through with is a greater respect for the part of me that was addicted, with a part of me that still has addictive patterns or behaviors. Even though they may be socially acceptable addictive patterns today, they still are present. And the shift that I was able to make by witnessing my addiction as a form of protection as a firefighter, as they say in IFS.

The part of me that was gonna do whatever it took to put out the fire of the impermissible trauma, terror, discomfort, sadness, fear of my childhood, the feelings of being inadequate, the feelings of being unlovable, the feelings of not having a safe environment. I was gonna do whatever it took to put that fire out and manage it through all the workaholism and proving myself, and then put the fire out through the cocaine addiction, alcoholism and other forms of drug use.

And so, that addiction now, 17 years later, being able to look back at my 25 year old self, totally addicted to cocaine and alcohol, completely disconnected, disembodied, unwell. I can look back and I can actually, with a lot of compassion, with a lot of love, with a lot of respect, say thank you to that part of me for working so hard to try to numb out, put the fire out on those impermissible feelings.

And so, it’s hard for addicts. Listen, I do a lot of work with addicts and it’s hard for an addict to walk in and be early in their sobriety and even contemplate having gratitude for the addiction or even contemplate seeing the addiction as just a part of them that’s been working really hard to put out the fire of big feelings, and there’s so much chaos that goes around the perception of an addict.

Addicts are traumatized humans. Addicts are people who have experienced adverse situations as children and did not have the resources or the support to process those big experiences. And in the lack of security and safety and love and respect that a child may need in those adverse moments in time, they were left alone with those big feelings.

And so of course, that individual, that child would do whatever it took to put out that fire. And that fire gets put out with people pleasing. That fire gets put out with codependent behavior, that fire gets put out temporarily put out with a drug addiction or food addiction, or love addiction or porn addiction, or gaming addiction.

You just name it, whatever it takes to push down the impermissible feelings. And so if you’re someone who’s listening and struggling with addiction or is a loved one and family member of an addict, or is in some way, shape or form in the desire to get clean and sober of whatever it is that you’re addicted to, I want you to open up the possibility right now to witness that part of you that’s addicted through the lens of compassion and through the lens of love.

How different would you feel about your addiction if you could see it as a way of protecting you, see it as a part of you that’s been working really hard to keep you from feeling bigger feelings. And then the other thing that I really took from the training this week that I never really had seen before was just having a different relationship to abstinence.

And that actually comes up on the show today, is that sometimes when abstinence is forced, or pushed or you’re white knuckling it, trying to stay clean and sober every single day, but you don’t have the spiritual or the emotional support or the therapeutic support. That forcing and pushing is just another way of shaming the part of you that’s been so hard at work trying to put out the fire.

And I believe in abstinence, but I believe abstinence works when there’s willingness. And so if you’re suffering and you’re still listening, there’s willingness. If you press play on this episode, there’s a willingness. If you are even a follower of Dear Gabby, there’s a willingness.

And so the first step in our recovery, whatever it may be, to the abuse of any form of substance, any drug of choice, is the willingness, the desire to know more, the desire to heal and the desire to go deeper into the parts of ourselves that need more tending to.

And listen, a lot comes up when we have these kinds of conversations. And on today’s show, what happened was really I think a throughline of acceptance. Acceptance that we have this addictive part of us that’s up and it’s working hard and it’s really creating chaos.

That’s what it’s been needing to do. Looking at that part of us with extreme respect, and in some cases even gratitude for the hard work that it has put into keeping us from feeling deeper wounds. Now, is it sustainable? No, because often many forms of addiction will take our life.

They’ll take our careers, they’ll take our safety, so we can’t carry on in those behaviors in a safe way. And there’s more for us. We want more, we wanna feel more, we wanna connect more, we wanna heal more. And often when we remove those drugs of choice, we have some space to start to do deeper therapeutic work or sober recovery work, or whatever form of that recovery that can come through for you.

But we have to begin by witnessing our addiction through that lens of love. And again, I think that could be hard for people. There might be people that are like, I need to hate my addiction. It’s too much. I gotta, I gotta judge it and keep it away because it’s not done anything good for me. And that’s okay. I get that.

I totally get that. But when you listen to this show, I want you to feel my acceptance because as a sober woman who has made the commitment to stay clean and sober now for nearly two decades, I really want you to feel my acceptance and my love and compassion for the parts of you that have been so addicted because they’ve been working really hard.

And maybe that subtle shift gives you the bravery to start to become a little bit more curious about the addictive patterns that are inside of you. Maybe it gives you the opportunity to just be a little bit more curious about the support that’s out there for you.

That curiosity is all I really wanna spark today because we need that baseline of safety in order to become curious. And so the baseline of safety starts with the conversations that we have today on this show, the conversations of acceptance, the conversations of just noticing and witnessing without any judgment and listening to what those addictive parts of us need to say. And that’s all we need to do today. That’s enough.

That’s more than enough. So I ask you now, if you keep listening to open your heart and your mind to just witness what’s up for you, witness your own patterns, witness your own experiences, witness how you might be putting out the fire and just open your mind today to be the witness. That’s all I’m gonna ask.

It’s a big show, but it’s a really important topic. So this is a time when we really need to be having a new perspective of our addictive patterns, because fighting against them, judging them, trying to push them down, that’s not gonna be sustainable, guys. So opening our hearts today to seeing our addictive patterns through that lens of acceptance and compassion, and love.

See what miracles come through. Stay open and listen. Stick around to the end. Some beautiful conversations come through today.

[AD BREAK]

Let’s take a quick moment to talk about one of our sponsors today, Athletic Greens. Not only have I been talking about this brand forever, and I’m obsessed with it, but it’s also the only thing I do first thing in the morning. It’s a pre-coffee ritual and I started using AG1 because I saw so many of my friends with those little green packages all the time raving about it.

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Whenever I start using a new product, I have to do my research. I read reviews, articles, and I even ask my friends for their opinions and expertise, almost to the point of making them nuts. But I like to do my research because it allows me to make the best, most informed choices, and that is particularly important when it comes to stress and sleep.

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[END AD BREAK]

GABBY: Hi, Anita.

ANITA: Hi. I had a feeling I was coming on. So good to be here. Thank you for doing this. I am on my own spiritual journey. I’ve actually been sober since last August. I had about two slip-ups in between that, but I, I’m happy that I did the slip-up because it’s made me realize that playing around is not for me.

It made me realize how important this journey was and even more grateful that I gave up alcohol. For me, it was alcohol, but I feel like I, with that I’m growing and shedding my skin and really on a such a spiritual path, and I’m finding so many things about me that things that I like and things that I don’t, and one of the things which I feel like I always knew was that I have major trust issues, and it’s not just with a man, but with anyone.

Even just in general. I just find that I have difficulty trusting, and I’ve lost a lot, not even a lot. I would say everyone in my life from before being sober has pretty much kind of drifted. It’s kind of how the universe navigated that. I think it was fine because a lot of the people that I was hanging out with before like to drink heavily and it just wasn’t my scene.

But where this is coming from in this space is that I find that I, I did have trust issues before, but now that I’m really in a… I’m still learning and finding my way. How do I navigate that now? How do I find, I guess, where that’s stemming from? Because it’s been a few months and I feel that I still, I’m like, wow, I still don’t really trust.

GABBY: Let me ask you this. How long have you been sober for right now?

ANITA: I’ve been sober since last August. I had a slip up on October 9th, and I had another slip up on November 19th, and since then I have not touched.

GABBY: Since November 19th. Excellent. Okay. Beautiful. Okay, so Anita, first things first.

Congratulations on your desire to get clean and sober. Congratulations on your willingness to keep coming back to sobriety, and a huge acknowledgement right now for your grace. Because when you said, oh, I’ve had these slip-ups, but I’m grateful for them because they’ve revealed to me that I don’t wanna do that.

I just wanna really acknowledge that, that instead of judging yourself or attacking yourself, or shaming yourself for having those slip-ups, you actually can see those moments of relapse as something great. You can say, oh yeah, I don’t want that. You can see it with choice. You can see it with acceptance.

You can see it with gratitude. And so first things first, you are on the right track, baby. I am so proud of you. And the key to sobriety, such a huge part of early sobriety is our bravery and our courage to see ourselves through the lens of grace. And so right now, there’s a lot of advice that the woman sitting before you with 17 years of sobriety and just coming off of a IFS addiction training, and I have so much Gabby advice that I wanna give.

Instead of advising you, I just wanna reflect back to you how perfect your journey already is, and you’ve brought up issues of trust. And Gabor Maté says it perfectly. You stop drinking and then you get sober. So you’ve put down the drink and the drug and you’ve created space, but now sobriety happens.

Now you are on a journey of really undoing the behaviors and the patterns that have kept you in the perpetual need to run and hide. And so, this journey of recovery begins with abstinence in your case, but that’s actually really just a notch on the steps that we take to really heal. What you’re doing and your bravery and your courage and your grace that you’re seeing yourself through is all perfect right here, right now.

And I want you to just hear me when I say: stick around for the miracles. If you have this momentum right now and you have this sobriety, there’s no accident, Anita, that you got on Dear Gabby to just hear me reflect back to you the extreme greatness of all that you’ve expressed to me today, and also to really accept that the trust issues and the deeper stuff. Lady, that’s gonna take some time, be patient, take it one step at a time.

If you’ve lost your friends from before you were sober. I get it. All my friends from my past, from my early days of using are completely released in my life. No more, gone. I had one friend that I kept from my early days of using, and so that’s completely normal too. And so, instead of being your teacher today, I’m just gonna be like your big sister.

I’m gonna suggest that you stay committed one day at a time and you just keep noticing what you notice and showing up for your inner world and showing up for your inner healing in whatever form that comes. I’m gonna send you a copy of Happy Days. I really hope that will support you and help you really strengthen that journey inward and I’m proud of you.

That’s what I wanted to let you know today.

ANITA: I appreciate that. I have just finished The Universe has Your Back and I’ve always been a spiritual person. I actually feel I just never really tapped into it. And it’s funny because I actually been drinking since I was very young, but I grew up with a very alcoholic father as well.

So my household was filled with chaos and I know I understand. That was my go-to, and I’ve always had felt the spiritual connection, but I think I was numbing that out as well, and it’s been nonstop guidance beyond whether it’s numbers, whether it’s just intuition, feeling. I’ve literally am taking day by day to the point where I wake up and I’m like: Hmm, okay, universe. What are we doing today?

That’s literally how I’m living my life.

GABBY: One day at a time. Anita, thank you. Cuz this is beautiful. This is the direction we needed to go in. Keep listening. Keep listening.

ANITA: Yes.

GABBY: Okay, let’s take the next guest. So, who do we have now?

SUZANNE: Suzanne.

GABBY: Suzanne, how can I help you, sweetie?

SUZANNE: Well, I’ve read Soulbriety by Elisa Hallerman and I’ve read Happy Days.

I just feel like if I could decide to get sober, I would. I feel like using THC helps me feel my emotions, but I’m not sure if continuing to use it is going to interfere with maybe working through my past traumas.

GABBY: Do you feel that your use of THC is unmanageable?

SUZANNE: Not really. I don’t use it every day and it does help me feel. I know that sounds crazy cuz I know most people it numbs them out. But for me, it helps me to be able to feel my emotions. I have problems with that.

GABBY: Okay, so some of the early questions one might ask themselves if they’re questioning whether or not they have an addiction to a substance or food or alcohol, whatever it might be, would be these two questions.

Has my life become unmanageable? An answer to that would be like, I skip work because I’m on THC, or I forget things and lose my keys because I’m high, or whatever the story. Right? So that would be the first question. So I’m gonna ask you that as your life in any way unmanageable as a result of this substance?

SUZANNE: No, not really.

GABBY: Okay.

SUZANNE: And my life is great.

GABBY: Okay. Okay. And then the next question would be, are you powerless over it? So the example there would be like, I can’t wake up in the morning without picking up a drink, or I can’t wake up in the morning without smoking. THC. The powerlessness is, I can’t be at a party and not have my THC with me, or I won’t be able to write or do the work that I have to do unless I’m high.

Whatever that storyline is. I am hearing that I can’t feel without it. But that may be something we can address differently. So do you notice any of that powerlessness?

SUZANNE: No. Sometimes I think, gosh, I wish I was high right now. It’s not like something I feel like I need.

GABBY: Okay. There is still a part of you that came on the show today and it was a show about addiction and you were in the inquiry, in the curiosity about this THC pattern, right?

SUZANNE: Yes.

GABBY: So what was the impetus for that?

SUZANNE: I stopped using it for three years and. Because my husband uses it also, so I decided one time that I wanted to try it again, and so I got back into using it. I just wondered if, because I have an underlying illness that it could possibly trigger.

GABBY: Okay, so there we go. That’s unmanageability. You’re aware of an underlying illness that could be triggered by this substance, but you’re taking it anyway. Right?

SUZANNE: Yes.

GABBY: So these decisions of abstinence have to come from us. And you were interesting cuz you’re like, how do I make the choice? Right? You first came on and you’re like, I don’t know how to make the choice to get sober.

SUZANNE: Right.

GABBY: The fact that this substance is helping you feel isn’t a bad thing. And it sounds like you have a pretty balanced relationship with the substance. But the unmanageability is that there is an underlying condition that you are aware of that this could cause more harm than good. In addition, I would love for you to learn how to access those feelings through your spiritual practice, through your therapeutic practice, and look whether you get sober or not, I’m not attached to.

This is gonna be the choice that you make, right? You said the word choice, but what I hope for for you is that you can experience those feelings safely in this consciousness.

SUZANNE: Right.

GABBY: I wanna just open you up to the curiosity inside. You came on, you said, I don’t know how to get to the choice.

I have this somewhat unmanageability. And my suggestion right now is just to super compassionately—with a lot of compassion and love—just check in right now. Maybe you don’t notice the compassion quite yet, but just check in with your body, your physical sensations, and just let me know what you’re feeling in this moment.

Any sensations, any thoughts, any feelings that are coming up for you? When we talk about letting go of the substance.

SUZANNE: I just keep hearing when I ask myself that question that I don’t wanna give it up.

GABBY: Okay. Okay. So when we wanna make a choice to get clean and sober, it comes with a significant amount of willingness.

And so for today, you don’t wanna give it up. But there’s also a part of you that I think does, because you’re here and you’re asking these questions. What I’m hearing is you want clear choice.

Is that correct?

SUZANNE: Yes.

GABBY: You want clarity, the clarity of choice.

SUZANNE: Right.

GABBY: So right now, I’m just gonna suggest for the next 30 days that you open up your consciousness to clarity, just pray for clarity to say thank you universe, or thank you spirit, or thank you God—whoever you talk to. Or thank you inner wisdom for showing me clarity.

I open my mind and my heart to receive clear direction. Because, sweetheart, there are two polarized desires happening right now, right? There’s the desire to use and there’s the desire to stay clean and, and stay healthy, and dot, dot, dot.

So there’s two sides. It’s a lot of polarization, and rather than being in conflict with that, I want you to just turn it over for a temporary period of time. And I wanna offer you the opportunity to pray for clarity. And trust and know that even the desire for clarity is enough to create profound change in your. So rather than overthinking it or trying to get into a place of judgment or justifying, let’s just open your heart to clarity. 30 days. Thank you for showing me clarity.

I definitely believe and trust that that’s enough, because you have the slightest willingness, that mustard seed of willingness that came on here today. So with that, let’s just ask for some more clarity.

SUZANNE: Thank you, Gabby. That’s a wonderful idea. I’ll do that.

GABBY: Beautiful. And I can see in your physical body that that feels safe right now. That feels okay. I can do that right now.

SUZANNE: Yeah, I can do that.

GABBY: Beautiful. I really appreciate you. Thank you for this beautiful conversation and it brings up a lot. It’s like forcing abstinence actually sometimes can be more detrimental, and so really the abstinence that sticks is the abstinence that comes from the genuine willingness to be clean.

And the genuine desire to let it go. And a lot of times, people are forced into it through treatment or they’re forced into it by the law. They’re forced into it by a family member, and that is sometimes necessary for someone to survive and to get out of the dark weeds and whatever else might happen.

But at the same time, it’s the recovery that lasts is the recovery that comes in. So just open up to that clarity for yourself right now, my love.

SUZANNE: Thank you so much, Gabby.

GABBY: Thank you. Excellent question. Appreciate you.

[AD BREAK]

Let’s take a quick moment to talk about one of my beautiful rituals, and it takes place in my bedroom. My bedroom is my sanctuary, and sometimes honestly, I feel like my bed is this altar. It’s like a place of peace for me, a place where I can just feel safe and just have a refuge from the outside world.

And that’s why it’s so important what I put on my bed. It’s funny because just this morning, my son Oliver, he climbed into my bed with me and my husband and he fell right back to sleep. And I’m telling you, it’s because he loves the way our bed feels. Cozy Earth’s bedding collection offers a huge variety of luxury pillows, sheets, blankets, and more.

Everything you need to feel comfortable. Cozy Earth’s bestselling sheet set is a temperature regulating super soft and not surprisingly named Oprah’s favorite things in 2018. I have this one pillowcase that I covet and I was trying to figure out what it was for a while cuz my husband would switch out the sheets with different brands and I was like, just make sure I have that pillowcase on my bed.

And it turns out it was Cozy Earth. And so now the whole bed’s covered with my Cozy Earth sheets. So as a part of your spring cleaning this year, Why not start with fresh new bed linens from Cozy Earth made from luxurious high quality fabrics you will not find anywhere else on the market. Also, you will thank me for this. With Mother’s Day just around the corner, why not give the gift of Cozy Earth this Mother’s Day?

Moms of all ages will love it. I promise you. Cozy Earth provided an exclusive offer to my listeners today. Up to 35% off sitewide when you use Code Gabby.

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GABBY: Awesome. Let’s bring in another one.

CALLER: Hi Gabby.

GABBY: How are you, sweetie? How you doing?

CALLER: I’m good. I’m good. How are you?

GABBY: I’m doing great. I’m happy to be with you guys.

CALLER: I love you Gabby. I’m such a super fan. I’ve been with you from the early days of The Universe Has Your Back, and I totally believe in like the power of manifestation when I’m preaching to the choir, but I just wanted to give you a shout out for that. So thank you.

GABBY: Thank you. I received that. Thank you.

CALLER: Thank you. All right, so my question is that I’ve been on the show before. I’m a psychologist. I worked through Covid, Mental Health, and I always have just so much going on. Recently, I started a nonprofit for women survivors of domestic violence with trauma.

I work with trauma, I have a history of trauma. And so I think it’s just holding that and maybe like we were talking about today, allowing myself to give myself space. I grew up with substance abuse and, and I always like kind of took on that parental role, right? Of like always doing and always taking care and I’m always naturally dysregulated, always like outta whack.

But I felt like I never just had that space. Now that I’m older and sort of treat people with trauma. I’ve learned so much of it on my own, you know? And so I think, like my question is, I don’t know, how do I slow myself down, but all of the things that I choose now, I’m very intentional with what I do.

Like I love my nonprofit and I get passionate about it, and it drives me. Right.

GABBY: Okay. Slow down. I’m gonna slow you down. I’m gonna be with you right here. Because oftentimes when we have complex trauma as children, you know this better than I do.

CALLER: Yeah.

GABBY: With your own education, one of ways that we manage that impermissible sad, horrific feeling of being parentified and having to do everything for everybody is by doing everything for everybody and putting our attention on others before ourselves.

And that is a form of addiction, as you know. That codependent addiction of I’m not gonna feel safe unless I’m saving everybody else.. And so what I’m hearing from you, and I’m just really reminding you of what you already. But that now at this stage in your life and your career and your personal development, and just reflect back to me if this is sounding correct. But it’s time for you.

CALLER: Yeah. It’s weird because I’m always telling people to put themselves first and I don’t often take care of myself. Yeah.

GABBY: So just like I have for every other individual who’s come here, because most of them have had addiction in their childhood, and then of course some of them, it’s being reflected now, whether it’s through their own fears or their attachment wounds, all of the above.

What I wanna reflect back to you is that of course, you’d be putting everybody first, because that’s the story. That’s the way that you’ve survived. That was the protection mechanism. That was what’s been managing your life. And in some cases, when big feelings come up, maybe even it becomes even more extreme.

And so, my hope for you in this moment is just to feel my energy of understanding. The acceptance that I wanna offer you of yeah, of course this is happening. I really think that’s a core throughline of this is just being present with the patterns that we’ve developed and just being the witness of them gently.

And so, from that more gentle witnessing, what might you hope for if this part of you wasn’t working so hard to just manage your life and do all the things that it’s by helping everybody else, what might else it be doing? What might else would it want?

CALLER: I think I would be calmer, and I think even though like I’m driven and I’m passionate and all these things, I just don’t feel at peace, you know?

I don’t know if that makes any sense.

GABBY: Okay. So when you notice that you’re, you even said in your own words, I’m in a constant state of hypervigilance, right? So the work here would really be about giving yourself some pause, like we talked about earlier, a little bit of grace. And a moment to just be present with the desire to be in the service of everybody else.

The desire to get out of the feeling, the desire to move, the desire to override. Right? So for just a second with me, let’s check in. Okay. And just notice internally what it feels like for you in this moment to even contemplate taking care of yourself.

CALLER: I mean, a hundred percent, honestly, just really overwhelming.

GABBY: There you go. Okay. Right here in this moment, let’s take a step towards that self-care and that relaxation and that ease in a way that’s safe for you right here, right now. Okay? So I want you to just place your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly, and just gently close your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath in and let it go.

Just notice in your body where that tension is and that overwhelm, and even the idea of calming down is so scary. We have a lot of information about that. We know it’s been around for a long time. Just in this moment, right here, right now, let’s just give it a little bit of acceptance. Let it know that you’re grateful for how hard it’s been working.

Take a deep breath and just be in the presence of the feeling in this moment.

Feel into the feeling a little bit more. Just be in the presence of that feeling.

And take another deep breath in and feel into that feeling a little bit more.

With all the information and all the analysis that you have as a beautiful psychologist with all the information that you have, if you just checked in one more moment and just asked that feeling inside of you, what it might need from you in this moment. What would it say?

CALLER: Love.

GABY: Love. Okay.

So right here, right now with your head on your heart. Breathe into that space of connection that might be established right here.

And just trust that this fleeting moment of connection is a step forward for you. Are you feeling any feelings of connection?

CALLER: Mm-hmm. Oh, I totally feel like it’s sort of a peace and calmness and just like that space to give myself that grace.

GABBY: Beautiful. Take another deep breath in and let that go.

And when you’re ready, open your eyes.

CALLER: That’s amazing, Gabby. Thank you.

GABBY: Well, listen, my love, it’s so hard to see in people, particularly those of you who have so much self-awareness and so much understanding of where things come from and why they’re there and how they show up and all of it. To just wanna go deep and wanna go into it and wanna just check in more and more and more and get to know that part of you so much more.

But really what I wanna just do in this moment with you is just give you the slightest connection to that grace and a slight connection into that feeling of acceptance. Because if you can just slightly feel that for a moment, that’s enough to start to open the door for you to begin to become a little bit more curious about what might happen inside.

If you started to breathe more and slow down more and connect more, become a little bit more connected to that part inside of you. It’s not something that should be forced, something that we wanna slowly lean into. So that little moment, even if it was very brief, was enough today. Okay. How do you feel?

CALLER: No, that was amazing.

And I think, I really feel like sometimes just being intentional when you have insight, right? And you have intention like that, you could change. Sometimes you’ve had to stop me like I’m running, running, running, and I’m just like going, going, going, and I feel like I can’t stop.

GABBY: And how about a reframe to my love, which is what if I said, let’s not try a change, et’s just try to bring a little bit more presence and witnessing to that need or that desire to serve everybody else, that feeling of dysregulation or whatever it is? Just presence. Just witnessing just moments. Yeah. I mean, take away the pressure of the change and the need to change.

CALLER: Yeah. And just like build on moments.

GABBY: Yeah. That’s right, baby. Beautiful.

CALLER: Thank you.

GABBY: Maybe commit to a moment a day right now. That’s enough.

CALLER: Yeah. And build on moments.

GABBY: Excellent. Thank you, sweetie.

CALLER: Thank you.

GABBY: I wanna close the show by just extending a extreme amount of compassion and connection to the individuals who came on the show today.

I wanna also extend that love and that compassion to you, the listener, because when you have the bravery to listen in, to be the witness, to even contemplate acceptance. That is a humongous step forward towards healing, and this is scary, terrifying work. It’s absolutely terrifying to even open these doors.

And so, if you listened to all the way through to the end, you’re a rockstar. So much is available to you right now, so just pat yourself on the back. Give yourself a squeeze. I’m so proud of you. I’m so grateful to all of the brave souls that came through on the show today, and I just wanna remind you that acceptance and just witnessing is all that’s required right here, right now.

That’s enough. That’s more than enough, and it’s brave. Thank you for joining me today on Dear Gabby, and thank you for opening your heart to this big conversation. I love you.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you’re truly committed to miracles. I’m really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode.

Make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience at this show means a lot to me, so I really wanna welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media at @GabbyBernstein.

And if you wanna get in on the action, sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby’d live deargabby.com. See you next week.

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.