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a surprising way to reduce everyday anxiety

In my daily life, I often use the principles of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to check in with the parts of myself that are activated. When feelings of anxiety arise, I don’t instinctively suppress or override them, like I did in the past. Instead, I choose to tap into curiosity and ask myself questions.

Here’s why: Trying to override anxiety often exacerbates it, especially if we are trying to control it.

In this episode of Dear Gabby, I explain how one of the healthiest things you can do for your activated part is to begin an internal dialogue. Speak to it with compassion and curiosity. 

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checking in with activated parts of yourself

Curiosity plays an essential role in my approach. As strange as it might sound, I engage with my anxious self, asking questions such as, “How can I help you?” and “What do you need at this moment?”

Anxiety is a form of protection, in a way. But often it isn’t necessary, and experiencing it makes us feel less safe, not more. Offering space to our anxious feelings can mitigate their impact.

learn to accept anxiety

Rather than trying to bypass anxiety, we can lean into it and learn where it’s coming from. During this episode, you’ll hear from three brave callers who are facing different roots of anxiety, trauma and healing.

I firmly believe that accepting anxious or fearful aspects of ourselves sends a message to the Universe that we are receptive to creative solutions and support. 

in this episode, I share:

  • How to get curious when anxiety shows up
  • Ways IFS can help you manage your anxiety
  • The role acceptance plays in releasing anxiety
  • Why we do not need to be the victim of our activated parts
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  • Trigger Warning for Sensitive Content: In this episode of Dear Gabby, we engage in a profoundly emotional discussion with a guest who courageously shares her personal experiences of sexual abuse. Please be aware that this content may be triggering or distressing for some listeners. If you or someone you know is struggling with similar experiences, remember that you are not alone. Visit this list of safety, recovery and mental health resources for guidance and assistance.
disclaimer

This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I am not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from any psychological or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified health professional. Visit this list of safety, recovery and mental health resources for guidance and assistance.

dear gabby #168 Oct 09, 2023 emotional wellbeing

how to soothe everyday anxiety

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The following podcast is a Dear Media production.

GABBY: My friends, I am back on the road. I'm traveling. I am getting a lot done in my busy, busy life. And I love running around. I love being in different cities, but it really seriously disrupts my daily routine—big time, especially my skincare. I find that when I’m traveling, my skin can get really greasy and break out at times. It's just a bummer.

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Hi there, Gabby here. This podcast is intended to educate, inspire, and support you on your personal journey towards inner peace. I'm not a psychologist or a medical doctor and do not offer any professional health or medical advice. If you are suffering from a psychological or medical condition, please seek help from a qualified health professional.

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Hey there, welcome to Dear Gabby. I'm your host Gabby Bernstein, and if you landed here it is absolutely no accident. It means that you're ready to feel good and manifest a life beyond your wildest dreams. Let's get started.

GABBY: Welcome back to Dear Gabby, my friends. Welcome back to the show today. We are in my home studio. I am sitting here trying to fix the tech. It's kind of an interesting moment for me and I'm coming off of six hours of phone calls. It's one o'clock now. I've been on call since 8:45 this morning and so I'm feeling a little burnt out and anxious kind of, which leads me into the topic that I want to talk about today because I need it.

I need the moment of stress relief, I need the moment of anxiety relief right now because I have come off of a marathon of almost like emergency phone calls and some of this is because I'm about to go do a two-ish week writing retreat. Taking time uninterrupted to work on my new book that will be out in 2024.

It's called Self Help, Bringing Internal Family Systems Therapy to Self Help, and that's the title of the book, Self Help. Pretty damn exciting, really, truly. And what I was thinking about was how I relate to the anxious part of myself. Because here I am and I've just had a thousand million interviews and phone calls and just tons of stuff happening.

Threw on a little makeup, sat down with you guys, fed my cats, then came back. It was just a bit of a moment and my camera's not working. It's just like all this stuff preparing to get off on this writing retreat.

And so, I'm. In this place where I am wanting to use my own tools and walk my talk. That leads me immediately to a process that I've been using now for over a decade, and it's the process I'm writing about in my book, Self Help, which is the way that I have used internal family systems in my day-to-day life to check in with the parts of myself.

There's a lot happening here in the studio, but let's let's keep it wild in the studio here today. I don't even know where to begin. All of a sudden, my screen started sharing. It's an interesting moment for me. So here's where I want to go with this. I want to tap into the questions I ask myself when I'm anxious. And when I tap into the these curiosity questions and start to check in with my anxious part, I can create some space for that part of me to relax, to feel seen, to stop pushing.

I don't override the anxiety. Oftentimes we create more anxiety when we're overriding it. So if we're in a place of pushing past it or trying to control it, that's usually a sign that we are avoiding the important and curious conversation that we need to offer inside.

When we are overriding our anxiety, we forget that we actually have the ability to soothe it and to help it. And so, instead we just try to push it down. Pushing it down perpetuates it. It makes it more chaotic, more dramatic, makes, makes you feel like you can't control it because truly we're not here to try to control these parts of ourselves.

We're here to soothe ourselves and support ourselves and to relate to these parts of ourselves in the moment so that we can experience relief. So when it comes to anxiety, I've got a few questions I ask myself. I first make the commitment to choose to check in with the anxious part of me. So recognizing that there is a part of me that's up, that I am noticing the anxiety, having the awareness and the ability to notice the anxiety.

This is a major first step because if you can't actually notice the anxiety, you can't feel into it or see it as something that's happening to you rather than it's who you are, then what ends up happening is you start to once again push against it, push past it, override it, perpetuate it.

So having the awareness. Oh, that's my anxiety. Of course I'm anxious right now. In my case, I've been on calls since 8:45 in the morning. I have cat hair all over my face and like, my tech is a mess. Of course I'm having a moment. And so acknowledging it, just giving it voice, giving it the connection, choosing to see it, choosing to have the willingness to witness without judgment, witnessing that feeling and the experience.

And then the next step is to become curious about it by asking it some specific questions. And so seeing it, okay, this is a part of me. It's an anxious part of me. It comes up when there's a lot going on. And so, I've witnessed it. I'm nonjudgmental. I'm open. I'm going to extend some curiosity to it now.

So becoming curious. Okay, anxiety, what do you want me to know right now? What do I know about you? Maybe we ask the anxiety, what set it off today? How long has it been around? What triggers it? Maybe we want to find out more. How old are you, anxiety?

Really asking with a lot of gentle curiosity. What thoughts or feelings or sensations do you want me to be aware of right now? And where do you feel it in your body? Do this with me right now. Just notice your anxiety. I can safely say that most people have some form of anxiety right now. Take a deep breath and witness it with me.

Become curious about it. Noticing that it may have a place in your body that it lives. Where is that place in your body? Send that place in your body a little breath. What else does your anxiety want you to know? My anxiety wanted me to know before I got onto this recording that it was okay to use myself as the student, and it wanted my attention, and it wanted me to breathe.

I was peeing before the recording, and I just did my breath practice while I was peeing, and I just did breathing in for three strokes and out for seven. In, two, three, out, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. And I did that for a few rounds, and I started to feel a little bit of ease. And then I sat down, and I was like, okay, I've still got some anxiety, but I can talk about it right now.

And that's one of my ways of processing it. And so, letting the anxiety tell me what it needed. What do you need? What can I do to support you right now? So that final question, how can I help you? It's a compassionate connection. What do you need right now?

So to recap these steps, it's checking in, noticing without any judgment, witnessing the anxiety, and choosing to check in with it.

The second step is to ask those curiosity questions. What do I know about you? Where are you in my body? What do you want me to know right now? What are the thoughts or feelings or sensations are coming up around you? Let me know. And then the final question, the final check in is, how can I help you? What do you need right now?

And so, if I ask my anxiety in this moment, what do you need right now? It would say to keep breathing, to take it easy, don't push yourself, trust that the tech worked as well as it could today. And just trust the process. And as I say that, I kind of begin to settle into it. Even just saying out loud what I need, what the anxiety needs.

I can start to settle into it. Okay, I'm here right now. I'm gonna be present. The tech didn't work the way I wanted it to. I don't have the same video I always have. Whatever it is, it's like, okay. This is where I'm at. And just noticing that anxiety, connecting to it with that curiosity, and then creating that compassionate connection.

What do you need right now? These are the three steps I want to take my listeners through today, my guests that come on to the show. I want to welcome guests who are having anxiety. And I'd like to practice this check in process. This is the process I'm writing about in my book, Self Help. It's based on the principles of internal family systems, but it's making it self help.

Wow, you guys are getting it like a year ahead. You're getting a workshop of this material one year ahead. And I want to just ask you those questions and start to help you relate to your anxiety as a part of you that is currently a little burdened. and needs a little help and to stop seeing it as you.

We don't have to act as the anxiety. We don't have to be the anxiety. We can see it as an experience we're having in this moment. As a part of us that's showing up for us to reveal important information. As I take myself through this, I feel relief. I've slowed down my pace. I take a drink of my beautiful sparkling water. You can hear it. And just giving myself a little bit of pause.

Let's take in some folks that may be having some moments of anxiety, and I want to workshop this with you.

[AD BREAK]

This episode is sponsored by Better Help.

We all have those racing thoughts in our heads. We know this. People here at Dear Gabby, we've got a lot going on. We are focusing in on releasing stress. We're really working to change our minds, but that experience, sometimes when we do it on our own, can feel pretty lonely.

And we feel like we need more support. That is why I believe wholeheartedly in therapy. I am very open about my own therapy. I am 100 percent certain that therapy has helped me become who I am today. I've had the same therapist for 15 years and my therapy sessions are vital to my life, to my well being, to my marriage, to every area of my life.

And I believe oftentimes that there's this huge misconception that therapy is just not for me. Well, if you're struggling, if you're having trouble making decisions, if you're trying to figure out what to do in your career, if you're dealing with issues with your relationships or your marriage, if you're feeling like you're anxious all the time and many of you out there being like, yes, yes, yes, Gabby, thank you. That's me.

Then get Better Help. Better help is totally online therapy. and they are specifically designed to help be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. To start, all you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire and BetterHelp will match you with a licensed therapist. And because you are online, you can do your sessions anywhere.

Make your brain your friend with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deargabby today to get 10 percent off your first month. That's betterhelp.com/deargabby.

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[END AD BREAK]

GABBY: How are you doing? How can I help you?

DION: I'm so excited to be on it right now. I'm literally shaking and this has been a dream of mine for a long time. So I'm so excited to finally be here. Anxiety, a lot of my anxiety stems from financial problems. I’ve been working on this for years. Um, and I found myself finding jobs based on the income, not so much on the fulfillment.

I'm currently working a job where I'm in car sales and it's one of those like commission-based and I really, there's no guaranteed income. You have to really, really work for it. And there's a lot of political stuff involved. We have to do things in a particular way. You have to meet certain metrics and there's all this pressure.

So there's anxiety around financial aspects and working really hard for it. Then there is also a manager that I work with who for some reason really, really intimidates me. And so it's like a giant ball of anxiety every time I walk into work, it's between the uncertainty about the income as well as facing this particular gentleman. I'm trying to figure out what it all means so I can overcome it.

GABBY: Beautiful. Well, first things first. Instead of overcoming it, what if we could befriend it? What if we could help it, help that anxious part of you? How does that feel?

DION: Okay. Feels good.

GABBY: You might be a little bit skeptical. What is she talking about? Overcome my anxiety. You know, I don't wanna, I wanna overcome it. I don't want to befriend it.

But my suggestion here is that we have an opportunity to get to know that part of you because that anxious part of you that's showing up to the job or is stuck in that story of anxiety around finances is probably been there for a while. It's probably been around for a long time.

And when we don't tend to these parts of us, they kind of just keep perpetuating and we don't show up for what's up it's going to keep showing up in different jobs, in different ways and different relationships. So this is an opportunity for you to make a change and start to adjust by befriending this part of you.

So if you are open, would you like to check in with it? Would you like to choose to check in with the anxiety?

DION: Sure.

GABBY: Okay, cool. That's first step. I got your buy in, baby. And we're going to choose to check in with the anxiety now. So when you tune into your body and your thoughts and your emotions, what do you notice right now about this anxious part of you? Where does it live in your body?

DION: In my back and my core.

GABBY: Okay. And when you are with this co-worker who's kind of drives you to anxiety, what, where do you feel it then in the same places?

DION: I feel it in the same places it almost makes me keel over.

GABBY: Keel over.

DION: Like my confidence, yeah, my confidence leaves and I'm like a blob.

GABBY: Right on, okay. Now, what else do you know about it? Like, how long has it been around?

DION: It's been around for some years. Makes me feel very insecure. Makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Like I can't seem to do things the correct way.

GABBY: How old is that part of you?

DION: It's been around in some capacity for a majority of my life in a small form. Now it's growing to the point where I can't ignore it anymore.

GABBY: Right, so you've been trying to ignore it. Okay, and is there anything that it wants you to know?

DION: It feels like it wants me to know that I shouldn't care so much what people think.

GABBY: Okay.

DION:That feels the strongest I shouldn't care so much what other people think even if they're management, or whatever. Because I always do my best.

GABBY: Right on. Okay. This anxious part with me, right here, right now. Right, you're here, you have a few minutes on Dear Gabby. You're now connected to it. I can sense the connection. What does it need from you right now? Or what does it need in general? Maybe it needs something from me. What does it need right now?

DION: It almost feels like it needs to be cared for like a child.

GABBY: Beautiful. So, you've kind of nailed it here. What I'm hoping to help you see right in this moment is that you have this part of you right now that is this anxious part. It's coming to surface. You've taken just a minute and a half with me here to check in with it, to start to get to know it a little bit, to relate to it as a part of you rather than just this burden that keeps coming up.

And then you begin to just start to notice, you become a cheerleader for it a little bit, you don't have to, don't have to be afraid of people, and that was like a beautiful part of you coming forward, but it was in this beautiful direction.

And then once you ask the part what it needs, it's, it is a child, it's a young, young part of you. And it needs to be cared for like a child. Dion, this is stunning.

DION: Sorry.

GABBY: Yeah, no, I mean, let those tears come through because these parts of us are young, they've been in extreme roles carrying burdens from our past for a very, very long time.

And anxiety is a form of protection. It's like we protect ourselves, we feeling the anxious as a protector part of us to avoid deeper feelings, deeper, deeper experiences, memories, experiences that we haven't been ready to face.

So the step here is not to go deeper. The step here is simply relate to your anxiety like a child. Give it space. How would you speak to a child that was in an anxious way?

DION: I would say it's okay to feel your emotions.

GABBY: Beautiful.

DION: You're in a safe space to feel your emotions. No one's going to judge you. No one's going to hurt you. No one's going to tear you down because you're not feeling 100%. It's okay to feel those.

And the sooner you feel through them, the sooner you'll have your strength back.

GABBY: How does that anxious part of you feel now that you've said that to it? Or said it out loud?

DION: It feels safer.

GABBY: Safer?

DION: Yeah.

GABBY: Now Dion, would you be open to making a commitment to this anxious part of you to check in with it often?

DION: Yes.

GABBY: You're the first person I've workshopped my check in process with, so thank you. It's really a truncated version of internal family systems therapy, but recognizing the choice that we have to check in with these parts of us. We're not the victim of these parts of who we are. We're not the victim of our anxiety.

We're not the victim of our fears, but we can choose to check in with them whenever we want. To actually become curious about the part. Curiosity is a gift that we give these parts of ourselves. What do kids want? They just want our attention, right? Little kids want our presence and our attention. So once we become curious, we're actively giving these parts of us, these little children inside of us, a lot of attention.

And then getting to know what they need. Children just want to be seen, safe, soothed, and secure, according to Dan Siegel. And so, you've seen it, you've soothed it with your words. And you've created this secure environment by helping it feel safe. What happens if you do that all day, Dion? What if all day, every day, multiple times a day, you check in?

You have that moment, that moment, it was like a minute of, well, I want you to feel safe. And then expressing that compassion, there was a connection there. Did you notice any compassionate energy come forward?

DION: I, I did, I did.

GABBY: Do you feel connected?

DION: It's like my, I feel, I feel very connected. My body feels so secure and stable.

GABBY: Mm-hmm. Well, you've clearly done a lot of beautiful personal growth work on yourself. This process was very intuitive for you. And what will happen, and here's my promise to you, Dion. If you make the commitment to check in with this part of you, the anxious part of you, one to three times a day, for at least a month, right?

Let's just call it 30 days right now. I guarantee you, you're going to see your energy shifted in your work. You're going to see different opportunities open up for you. You're going to see that your point of attraction changes. Keep going 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, a year. That relationship to that part of you will become safer and safer and safer.

And when that anxious part feels safe, it can show up for work with an energy that's at ease and safe. It can feel the confidence to go get that job that you really want to get. It can show up to job interviews with a different energy.

So, you know, we think like attracting and manifesting is about envisioning and, you know, being the energy. Yes, yes, yes. But what it really is about, my love, is becoming safe inside. And today you took a huge step forward to creating safety inside.

DION: Thank you so much. I really, I really, really needed this. Like, you have no idea. It means so much to me.

GABBY: You have such a gorgeous presence and such a beautiful energy, and I hope that we meet again and I hope that you carry on with this process and experience great miracles and benefits from it.

Email my team in December of 2024 and I'm going to send you a copy of my new book, Self Help. Okay? In December of 2024, I will send you a copy. Okay.

DION: All right. Sounds great.

GABBY: Beautiful. Thank you. Gorgeous. Thank you for being with me.

DION: Thank you.

GABBY: Okay. Let's bring in our next guest.

CALLER: Hi, how are you?

GABBY: I'm good. Thank you.

CALLER: I can't believe, but I can believe that I'm on today could almost bring me to tears. You have been such a huge part of my life. And right before your show today, I got home from bringing my daughter to camp and my husband was home, which was strange because he works and I found out that he got suspended from his job, which could be detrimental to our family.

I work at a school. I don't have an income right now for the next couple of weeks. You know, we're hopeful it doesn't. I don't think he did anything wrong. He's in a tough position in his job. So sometimes these things happen, but we are supposed to go on vacation on Saturday and all of that is up in the air.

We have two little kids who are looking forward to that. And as you can imagine, my anxiety is through the roof. And as soon as this happened, I just felt a sense of something telling me to stay grounded. And I prayed and then I opened up my email and I saw an invite to come on today.

GABBY: And then you got picked to come on, sweetheart. Let's not in any way miss this miracle moment that you have manifested for yourself.

CALLER: It's amazing.

GABBY: Not just the miracle of being with me, but just that you've made, your first move was to pray. I have done my job with you. I'm really proud of you. I'm really proud of you because your first move wasn't like, how do I fix this?

And how do I jump into this? You went, your spiritual faith muscle is so strong that your first move was to pray. And then look how quickly your prayer was answered. Email, come on, picked for me, right, come right in. I just, I just want you to really witness the spiritual proof that you are being guided. So if that guidance is coming in this swiftly and with this much ease, you already actually have the answer.

Continue to pray, continue to lean into possibility, continue to seek spiritual solutions. Continue to raise your vibration, stay in an energy that is positive. Why wouldn't you go on the vacation next week?

CALLER: Because my husband wouldn't be getting any income and we would. I guess just as a way of being smart.

Not, that feels irresponsible, I guess, to go on vacation when maybe we don't know when he could be going back to work. Could be next week, it could be a month, so that would be the reason.

GABBY: Okay. So how can you make it a staycation?

CALLER: Yeah.

GABBY: Because what I want for you is not to go and spend money when you're worried about something like that.

That's not going to help you in any way, shape, or form. But what I do want to recommend is to use whatever downtime you have in this moment with your family with him if you've taken time off already keep it off maybe and do things that are going to bring your family joy.

Spend time with your kiddos get out to a lake or a pool or go for a walk or just do something at a playground. But make it fun because that same energy of pausing, praying, leaning into what's possible, it develops and develops and develops.

And as you commit to it, and as you lean into it and develop it more and develop it more and develop it more, it will grow. And in that space of ease and relaxation, which may be only parts of the day because you have some anxiety that's coming up and that's, we're going to relate to that today with you.

But in those moments of ease and in those moments of faith, prayer, what you're doing is you're actually sending a radical message energetically out to the universe that you're open to creative possibilities for income, for abundance, for support and safety. Abraham Hicks has this beautiful statement that in the absence of resistance is when we manifest.

And so right now, I just want your job to be staying in as much released energy, relaxed from resistance. And working with your anxiety, we're going to use the tool with you. Take your time every day when you notice that anxiety come up. Choose to check in with it. You, my love, because prayer is so accessible to you, you can say a prayer.

I'm going to pray to see my anxiety through the lens of love. And then become curious about it. What do you want me to know right now? How can I help you? What do you need? Just opening that conversation. And I like the idea for you to open it up with a prayer. Thank you, God, universe, angels, whoever you talk to, for helping me see this anxiety through the lens of love.

Thank you for helping me support the anxiety right now. Because the anxious part of you needs support in this moment so that the rest of your nervous system can be settled. And so, if you focus that prayer and that attention inward and start to check in and give it that focus and give it that love, and then it feels safe and connected to you, every other part of you can settle.

CALLER: Yeah, I love that. I love that. And I felt immediately, everything that you were saying that I just have this pull to stay positive at this time.

GABBY: And it's okay in moments if you're not, baby, okay? Like you're gonna have moments where you're like, this is scary, right? Or this sucks or whatever. Well, instead of pushing past it or overriding it with a positive affirmation or something, say your prayer.

Help me see this through a different lens. Help me lean into what's possible, help me have some fun today. Because that's what's going to open you up to the actual answers and the next steps. So, I don't want you to shun the feelings of fear. Befriend them. Become curious and compassionate towards them.

Check in, become curious, and compassionately connect. That's the check in process. It's choosing to check in, and for you it could be through that prayer. The next step is the curiosity questions. What's going on? What do you need? What do you notice? Notice it in your body. Breathe into your body. Check in with yourself.

And then the final question, hello to your gorgeous husband back there. Hi. Sending him positive energy too. And then the final step is to compassionately connect. And that's by asking, what do you need right now? Okay.

CALLER: I feel all of that.

GABBY: I know you're going to write to me in a few weeks and be like, Oh my God, all these miracles happened.

So please do. Let me know what happens with all the miracles because you're doing everything right. Just keep leaning into the solution.

CALLER: I needed to hear that. Thank you. And this was total reassurance. So yeah.

GABBY: Do not override the experiences of the fear or the anxiety either because they need attending to right.

Remember like Dion said, that's like a little child that needs help. Give the little children inside of you the help that they need. Put your oxygen mask on first, and then you can help everybody else, okay? And then you can be a positive light in the household and all of the above.

CALLER: Yeah, we got this.

GABBY: A hundred percent you do.

A hundred percent you do. Okay? And make it fun with those kids, you know? Instead of saying, we're not going on vacation, say, we decided to do a staycation! We have the best plans.

CALLER: That's a great idea.

GABBY: They just want to be with you.

CALLER: Yeah.

GABBY: They just want to feel connected to you. Forget everything else.

CALLER: Yeah. You're right.

GABBY: Beautiful. Have fun. Thanks love. Thank you so much.

CALLER: Thank you, Gabby. With my whole heart. Thank you.

GABBY: Thank you.

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GABBY: All right, let's bring in one more. We got a driver in the house, she's driving.

CALLER 2: I knew I was going to get picked today and I want to say it's because of you and your spirit guide meditation and your book, Happy Days. I am in Toronto, I'm a therapist, and I've recently discovered that I've been sexually abused by my dad.

And God and the universe and my spirit guides through your meditation have made it so clear to me that I need to heal. And I need to write a book. So actually, the comment you posted on Instagram yesterday about your bestseller masterclass was mine. And I needed it so badly because I don't want to write anymore.

I don't want to heal. I'm doing IFS. I'm doing EMDR just like you recommended, but it's so hard.

GABBY: Yeah, it's so f-ing hard, honey. I first want to just sit with you with that truth that remembering trauma is f-ing hard. Even if it's something you've always known for your life, facing and healing trauma is one of the greatest, most courageous acts any human can face.

And so, just let me be with you right here and tell you that and tell you I understand; you're not alone in that. And I'm with you in this. I understand. How recently did you remember?

CALLER 2: It's been six months, but in six months I've created a non profit organization that helps give the community free therapy.

I've created a training institute where I'm training and teaching how to really be good clinicians and therapists because while we have the potential to do great work, we also have the potential to do a lot of damage.

God has not let me rest by giving me opportunity and opportunity because without that, I think I would end up in bed and I have three young, beautiful children. And I can't be in bed.

GABBY: So I want to thank that part of you that got into action, because that's a protector part, okay? And I'm actually really familiar with that, because when this happened to me and I had that memory, I was 36, and I just went right into like, well, I'm going to write about this and I'm going to go do this, you know?

And It's a part, right? It's a protection mechanism. And it's beautiful because it is keeping you in action and it's keeping you out of dissociation and checking out. But it isn't the final solution, but it's a part that's protecting you right now. So let's say thank you to that part.

And of course, you're going to continue to do great things in the world with this, with these types of issues. But I want you first and foremost to do the greatest thing, which is to serve yourself. And the work you're doing is perfect, right? So you're, obviously you've read Happy Days, right? I imagine that's the case, yeah.

And that book, in my own personal life, I mean, I have many friends that have been contacting me lately and I'm just like, I've just remembered this or I remembered that. I mean, friends of mine, not even readers, right?

So I am very, very, very aware of what it means to put that kind of message out because it lets a lot of people out there remember their own. And that's real.

I want to say so many things, but first and foremost, you're not alone. I understand you. Many, many people in this world do. The moment that you're in right now does not last. It's not going to be forever. This feeling of being stuck in that memory, it gets better and it gets easier, especially considering everything that you're doing right now.

I also want you to see just for a moment that the part of you that's still active and doing so much is a protection mechanism. It's a protector part and it's doing a great job We're gonna say thank you to it for right now and let it keep doing what it's doing for as long as it needs to at this time.

Okay? Because it's keeping you feeling connected with all that said I want you to have a very slow processing of this because the more you go slow with the journey of trauma recovery, the molecules of recovery begin to add up. And so if you rip off that bandaid too quickly, or you try to force yourself into anything, it's going to feel like a violation and that's the opposite of what we're trying to do.

So I want you to go slow in those moments when you're just so in your work and you're finding joy in that celebrate that be in that because yes, it's a protection mechanism, but, okay, check out for a little while through that. It's okay. That's okay.

I remember, I lost a baby a few years ago. I was like five and a half months pregnant and it was a big trauma, but my dissociative part came up.

The part of me that's like checked out. I was like, I'm going to just compartmentalize this and check out. And my friends kept saying, oh, no, you got to process this. You have to. And I was like, nope, my dissociative part is doing a great job. I'm not messing with her. And so I'm saying the same to the part of you that is in this work mode because it's helping you in this moment.

Okay, sweetheart? And I really want to acknowledge that you have the courage and the bravery to do this work by having EMDR and IFS in your pocket. Don't feel that you have to be the voice of this right now. So while you have work that you're doing that's beautiful, I would encourage you to keep your story close to you and to the people that love you.

Because when we're not processed through to the end, if we're not really feeling steady in the story and experience, it can be more triggering to people if we start to talk about it. And I had that experience. I read about it in the book. Right? So, and it can really activate you. So keep it close, keep it safe, keep it to the people that are safe in your world, your therapist, whoever it is that you can rely on.

And of course, here with me is totally, totally appropriate. And I just want you to get into the practice of just relating to the parts inside of you, same like we talked about today with the anxiety. So if you notice yourself getting overwhelmed by the feelings and the experience, just choose to check in for a moment.

Place your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly. Give yourself that sense of safety in your body. Choose to check in. Just notice what you're feeling and the sensations and the thoughts. And then gently ask yourself, what do you need right now? How can I help you? And just practice that throughout the day.

Just check in and give yourself a heart hold. Be curious. And ask for how you can help because right now, you have an exiled part of you, a little girl who has been numbed out something for her whole life, and she's raw, she's in the open, she's exposed, in many ways you may be even reactivated into that younger part at this time, right?

Because when we remember, we get thrown back into that experience of almost being in that exiled place. So I want you to just consistently just give her some attention and just give her some love, right? And just, whether it's a her, it's just an energy, whatever you want to call it, right? Offer that presence inside of you a little bit of connection throughout the day.

And right now it's really just staying in your body. I'll give you a subscription to the app so that you can, because then I can really be with you really. It's my way of coaching people and I can see how your energy is really coming back into your body and you're feeling centered just through the tone of my voice.

Maybe you're not even taking in what I'm saying, but just my energy is coming through to you. So now, I can be that for you.

CALLER 2: That has really has healed me, Gabby. I'm following you. I'm meeting you in Dallas in October, and I signed up in October to meet you in Toronto. I could not have gone through this without you, and I wholeheartedly mean that, Gabby.

GABBY: Yeah, and I, I take that in, and I also, I'm really grateful that I've been able to be there for you and live to tell that thriving and surviving this is totally possible, baby. Take your time. This is the hardest part of it right here, right now. It gets better.

CALLER 2: Can I ask you a question? Were there days where it was hard for you to get up and attend to your son?

GABBY: I didn't have a child then. But yeah, there was days I couldn't get out of bed. Most days. Most days. And I, just like you, I couldn't get out of bed. I would get to my computer, and I was actually writing The Universe Has Your Back while I was going through this journey of remembering the trauma. And so that book saved my life, right, because it was the only place I felt safe.

So I would wake up, I'd be overburdened with anxiety and fear and the just extreme tension and gastrointestinal issues and just everything that was coming up for me. And I'd sit down to my computer, my hands would hit the keyboard, and I would take a deep breath. And it was an addictive pattern, right, because it was like, I'm using this work to get out of another feeling but you know what it was a protector part that was right there for me.

And through that writing I was able to really heal. And so, if you feel called to write right now do write but make sure that you do it for you right now, okay?

I said many times in my life that I wrote The Universe has Your Back for myself. That book healed me, it healed me. And I continue to write these books for myself, although Happy Days, as much as I wrote it for myself, I wrote it for you, exactly you, okay baby?

So just take any pressure off of like the producing, but be in the creation, the creating is working for you. The creating is a protector part, it's not the answer, but it is soothing you in this time and it's keeping you feeling connected to your body and to life. And you're going to have moments, do you have a partner that can show up?

CALLER 2: I do.

GABBY: Okay, good. So be as honest as you can with that partner and I really want to recommend also that you let that partner know you need some help with the kids. And if it means like extra childcare or daycare or whatever you can do, you can ask for that help right now. The kids can be triggering when you're facing your own childhood trauma, right?

So not that they're triggering, but it can trigger you to be a witness of children, you know?

CALLER 2: Thank you so much, Gabby.

GABBY: I'm so excited I can give you the Gabby coaching app.

CALLER 2: I'm excited. I'm already on that wait list.

GABBY: Yeah, we're going to give it to you. Okay. It's yours. It's my present to you.

CALLER 2: Thank you.

GABBY: My hope is that I'm with you through this whole journey. And then I can, you can just open your phone, you can get Gabby, there's a whole section called the Get Gabby section, you can go in there and you can just, you're like, I'm anxious and I can just be right there for you. Or I want to tap with Gabby, I'm going to just tap right now. And I really want you to lean on that right now.

Just lean on it like I am your coach in your pocket with you all the time.

CALLER 2: Perfect. Thank you.

GABBY: Bless you, my love. Thank you so much. And I'm proud of you. And you're going to be just fine. Just take one day at a time. Okay.

CALLER 2: Yeah. Thank you, Gabby. Thank you for everything you put out to help us all.

GABBY: Oh, beautiful show, guys. Beautiful show. And I can close it out now by just offering so much love and compassion to everybody that's joined me. So I really want to acknowledge the bravery and the courage of the three humans that came through to this show today. This is big stuff. People are telling the truth.

They're facing their fears. They're acknowledging their trauma. They're bravely and courageously offering up their desire to find and seek spiritual solutions. You people are rock stars. You blow my mind. Never fails. I am so proud to be able to contribute to your journey of personal growth and spiritual development.

If you made it to the end of this episode, that means you're truly committed to miracles. I'm really proud of you. If you wanna get more Gabby, tune in every Monday for a new episode.

Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the guidance or special bonus episodes. Your experience at this show means a lot to me, so I really wanna welcome you to leave an honest review and you can follow me on social media at @GabbyBernstein.

And if you wanna get in on the action, sign up for a chance to be Dear Gabby’d live at deargabby.com. See you next week.